I admit to tearing up quite a bit as I read through this thread - I guess I am even more emotional about this situation than I realized.
I teared up reading these too. It's sad when folks are unhappy with a situation and don't know what to do about it.
We had an OT go and watch the classroom too. She saw some misbehaviors, mostly that he was not staying in place for long enough. He'd want to jump from work to work.
This can be a sign that the work isn't at the right level for your son, or it could be a sign that he is gifted with ADHD. The way I look at it, there are lots of gifted kids with ADHD out there because their parents were able to use their Giftedness to compensate for their ADHD well enough to be fairly successful and live long enough to have families of their own. When you have him home this summer, you'll be able to try many levels of the same activity and see how much of this is poor fit. Here's a caution: Just like we parents of Gifted kids tend to be 'unimpressed' with our children's unusual thinking skills because we are 'used to' family members who are often quite similar, parents of kids with ADHD tend to be 'unimpressed' with our children's unusual level of non-tolerance for things not being just right, because we are 'used to' family members who are often quite similar. That was me anyway.
It's so hard to get a finger on exactly how bad he is acting at school. I don't think the teachers are lying or even exaggerating because I know for a fact that he is a very intense kid and very stubborn too. It doesn't sound like they have found triggers or any pattern to his behavior. He just sometimes decides he doesn't want to cooperate, or he doesn't want to follow the rules.
I'm just about to recommend
Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook: An Interactive Guide to The Nurtured Heart Approach [Perfect Paperback] by Lisa Bravo and Howard Glasser
http://www.amazon.com/Transforming-Difficult-Child-Workbook-Interactive/dp/0967050758They have notes in there about how to turn teachers around into seeing the good in kids - basically a daily note, you make it and give them 7 xerox copies each week that says:
1) I joined the circle Great good somewhat none
2) I was kind to my friends Great good somewhat none
3) I did my works Great good somewhat none
Mommy and Daddy can be proud of me today because I ___________
Teachers are human, and we humans are vulnerable to 'confirmation bias.' see
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_biasSo in the note above, the first 3 are 'decoy' so that the teacher feels comfortable doing what they do - judging your child, but the 'Mommy and Daddy can be proud....' stuff is where the magic happens. But being open to looking for one simple thing about your kid to celebrate each day, the teacher will shift her perception and start having confirmation bias in the good direction.
The rest of the book is for you. It's quite possible that your son has 'no trouble' at your house becaue you are such a thoughtful and sensitive parent. (Happened at my house.) You may have even read, and implimented Raising Your Spirited
Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic [Paperback] by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Because you are probably gifted, sensitive, and intense, you may be able to keep the upsets to a minimum, even though your son is quite unable to deal with many situations where 'mere mortals' are running the show. That's where the workbook I mentioned above comes in very useful. It's a safe and sane way to figure out how to help you child grow inner resource enough to deal with situations where the environment isn't being carefully managed by a sensitive aware adult with plenty of time and motivation. They report that this style of parent has helped many kids with behaviors identical to ADHD grow to use their intensity for good and stop being a behavior problem without medication. Which is what attracted me to them in the first place. I would say that some kids can and some kids can't but that isn't the main point. The main point is that Parents of Intense Gifted kids need specialized disipline techniques, but cause their kids might not respond to regular disipline. Or regular discipline might make the problems worse!
The last time he got sent home from school was for dumping sand on some girl's head. Part of me thinks that it isn't that strange for a three-year-old to dump sand on another kid's head when they are playing in a sandbox. Is it bad behavior?
Just like we parents of Gifted kids tend to be 'unimpressed' with our children's unusual thinking skills because we are 'used to' family members who are often quite similar, parents of kids with ADHD tend to be 'unimpressed' with our children's unusual level of non-tolerance for things not being just right, because we are 'used to' family members who are often quite similar. That was me anyway.
I can stay home with him this summer. My husband and I both work from home - and I only work part-time. I actually really want to take him out of school right now and keep him home all summer too! My husband, however, really wants to keep him in school. I'm not sure what we'll end up doing.
I don't blame you for wanting to take him out now, and I'm so glad to hear that you can take him out this summer. Because your DH isn't 'on board' and I can understand his point of view, I might suggest a compromise - try the workbook and daily note for 3 weeks. As long as the situation doesn't get worse, give it the full 3 weeks with the note, and then re-evaluate. You many have future opportunity to use the skills of interacting with teachers, so a 3 week 'educational experience' might be worth the hassle.
I completely agree with the poster that said for Montessori being a child-led education they sure have a TON of rules. So true. I think I had this idea that they were more flexible than what they really are.
[/quote]
You will find that you can't tell a school by it's affiliation. Montessori is very based in their view of how children typically develop. When a (highly intelligent/wise/sensitive) director understand that difference between 'most' and 'all' then Montessori can work well for many gifted kids. But in the hands of a more 'concrete' thinking, the shades of grey are lost and Montessori can be instituded in a 'lockstep' way that really frustrates many gifted kids. The A then B then C THEN D, approach works for many kids, but frustrates the learners who WANT D NOW.
What worries me is that his experiences here are shaping how he sees himself. I feel like he has been labeled (rightly or wrongly) as a troublemaker by both the teachers and the other kids.
I agree. I saw this happen to my son in 2nd grade. I think that the note, used daily, will turn this around quickly, because it's clear that your son has a lot of strengths.
Clearly, I've needed a place to vent. You all don't know how much I appreciate being able to talk openly about these issues here and receiving such great feedback. It really means a lot. Thank you!
We all neeed a place to vent. That's the number one difficulty with have a child who is 'on their own developmental path.' Let us know how things turn out. We want your family to do well!
Love and More Love,
Grinity
