what do you do for the sensitive (but brutish) gt girl who wont allow you to brush or comb her hair without a HUGE fuss? or, if she refuses to 'allow' barrettes or pony tail holders, same huge fuss, what then? Apparently they are not 'cool'. SHES FOUR!! I don't want to go short, but I don't want her to look like a rat's nest all the time.
It's interesting that so many people feel that 4 year olds are 'too young' to have firm opinions. It must be all the movie and TV images portraying 4 year olds as 'real live baby dolls.' My son was adamant about wearing orange socks to daycare. Due to my 'I'd rather switch than fight' attitude, I just bought some orange dye and oranged all his socks, and a few T shirts while I was at it. I got to work on time, and DS was delighted.
But, he did grow up to be a kid who was ok with wanting what he wants. I, on the other hand, was forced through really painful hairbrushing, and that kind of hairdo where the adult pulls it all up high on top of my head and puts that rubber band on super tight. I would have headaches for hours ages 4-6. I complained. Mom said: 'It hurts to be beautiful.' in a tone that let me know that that was the end of the discussion.
To this day I can put up with a lot of discomfort, which is a blessing. DS14 complains that I didn't give him enough chances to see how it feels to 'not get his way.' I still am wearing my hair short, refusing any shoe with a heel of 1 inch or more, refusing any bra except 'sports' bras, dressing for comfort in general, refusing to dye my hair, and make up 'feels yucky' on my skin.
I think my point is that some of us are born very sensitive to things like clothing, smells, textures, hair. How our parents handle that makes a big difference in how we feel about ourselves, but not so much of a difference in how we handle the sensitivities. My DS14 has made a lot of progress, partially, I think, because he is motivated to fill his gender role, partially because he had a lot of parental support to go at his own speed.
So hugs @ chris1234!
It's really hard to 'take in' the aliveness and individuality of our young ones. Whatever you decide, it will help your daughter grow in someways, but not in others - there is no right answer, but there is opportunity to journal, or vent, or post about what it felt like to you to navigate the female role, and what your hopes and fears for your daughter's future are doing to mess up the present.
The great thing about hair is that it grows back. The hard thing is that it's so visible. If you live in a town where all the little girls have long, straight, untangled hair, it's hard to be so visibly different. Untangle the gender parts, and the white/ethnic/racial thing as best you can and find a solution that works for you.
Love and More Love,
Grinity
