Hi, I have 3 questions that I was hoping to get some feedback on-

can someone point me to an article about grade skipping actually being better socially for a gifted child? I am getting some mixed signals from the school about a preschool skip to K that I am looking into.

what do you do for the sensitive (but brutish) gt girl who wont allow you to brush or comb her hair without a HUGE fuss? or, if she refuses to 'allow' barrettes or pony tail holders, same huge fuss, what then? Apparently they are not 'cool'. SHES FOUR!! I don't want to go short, but I don't want her to look like a rat's nest all the time.

Oh, and on the brutish part, we usually get tons of compliments on dd4's behavior at school, but then she can be really unbearable/loud/aggressive at home. Is this coming up for other folks, and how are you handling it?

thanks!

I hope you find the perfect article, and I'd like to read it too.

I don't have a little girl, but I give my five-year-old son a lot of leeway on choice of appearance. Right now, for example, he's sporting a mohawk even though I cringed initially at the idea. If I had your child, I would give up on barrettes and pony tail holders if she just can't stand them.

Our son sometimes overreacts. The times in the past that he's been unbearable/aggressive at home, I have consistently punished him. That doesn't make the problem go away forever, since kids can be strong-willed by nature, and ours is extremely strong-willed, but it does often help in the short term since it reminds him that there's zero percentage in being bad. Still, I actually cherish his stubbornness, praise him for it when it's displayed in a good way, and would never want to "cure" him of it.

When punishing him I explain that part of my job as a parent is to teach him the right way to behave, that I still love him even though I'm punishing him, that I wish I didn't have to do it, why what he did is not the best choice, etc. But when the hammer comes down, it stays down, with no right of appeal.

Sensitive to hair ... yep, got one of those! You could always use a ton of detangler but I find DD's hair to be a little greasy after over doing it with the products. Some suggestions:

BioSilk Silk Therapy Hair Treatment. It is a clear liquid and though a little pricy works wonders and can be used on wet and/or dry hair. You only need a tiny drop and the tangles are gone. Ever since adding this one into our routine DD has stopped complaining and has no more meltdowns about getting her hair done.

Also I love the circle of friends line, especially the detangler because it doesn't leave DD's hair greasy even if I need to spray a little more than normal. Our usual routine is Silk Therapy on the wet hair which is when she goes to bed and can lead to a few tangles the next morning and then the circle of friends detangler in the morning which is a 'just in case' course of action since she slept on her wet hair.

We had this problem with sensitivity and control too. Oh wait, we still do! When she was little, I let her do her own hair whenever possible. As for the hair accessories, my daughter (now 14) is still very particular about which ones she likes. Maybe you could let your daughter try them out at the store first.

We use detangler here, too. DD7 always wants to wear her hair down and it looks like bed-head by lunch. Our rule is that she has to put it up in a ponytail or braid when she goes out... she can do whatever she wants when we are at home. We take her to the dollar store and let her pick out any hair accessories she wants. She always gets to choose what we put in her hair and how she wants it done. On the days that she gets fustrated we give her the option of short hair.

Also, there are super cute ways to cut little girls hair that look very feminine. DD had a reverse bob in grade 1 and it looked fab on her. I wish she would go back to it!

We just 'went short'. Told both Ds that they could wear her hair longer when they were older and ready to take care of it themselves. Around middle school both decided to grow it longer. Worked for us

Hi
Re an article, the Nation Deceived report information supporting the social side. Also articles by Miraca Gross on acceleration pretty plentiful online and she talks alot about the social benefits based on her longitudinal study. Unfortunately I am replying on my phone so I can't paste in a link (well, I don't know how to anyway!) but they are font page on google.
Re hair - we have the same issue. I just wash it and brush though conditioner and leave it at that unless it's something special.

You could look at the Iowa Acceleration Scale to see if it helps you make your case. It weighs both social negatives and social positives.

DeeDee

I would encourage her to do her own and then do a little touch up as needed with complements on how well she did. I would try to drop "please do this...and just reinforce the intended hair do/behavior. When ever she has her hair pulled back say wow that looks so pretty. Grandmas can be a big help with this. Also give a choice would you like a pony tail or headband today? She might say neither but let it go unless it's important.

Our rule was that kids who want long hair have to put up with either ponytail / braid / something to keep it untangled or with the brushing and combing. At one point, DD had waist-length hair, and had to sleep with it in a braid because she wasn't willing to deal with me picking the tangles out in the morning. She now has much shorter hair, and everyone is happier.

We also switched to conditioner-only (no shampoo) about 2 years ago, and that really cut down on the tangles. Plus her hair looks great.


Any chance it's "I can keep it together in public, but need the relaxation of a good meltdown at home"?

We use melatonin to facilitate an earlier bedtime in the summer. DD7 needs ~11 hours of sleep a night, but without something to override the "daylight = waking time" cues, she'd get more like 9 hours this time of year. Better sleeping sometimes improves home behavior, but stress trumps sleep.

Kids tend to act differently at home than at school. Pay attention to how you react to her inappropriate behavior, and contrast that with what her teacher might do. (Which is not to say that you should act like her teacher; it wouldn't work anyhow, but this exercise might help you see how you can stem the brutishness).

In addition to all the detangler suggestions, how about changing the brush? When we got dd4 a "baby brush", that did the trick -- no more tears. (Though, yes, sometimes I had to still remind her that she needed her hair brushed or cut -- her choice. Hasn't been an issue lately, though.) Showing the cause-effect nature of regularly brushing (and using whatever other hair products) helped, too. Ie, the more you brush, the less tangles you'll have, the less of a hassle it will be.

When she feels like it, dd can brush her own hair, as long as she understands I will come behind her to finish up the job. And I don't bother with the whole ponytail fight. Every once in a while she'll request one -- otherwise, loose is fine. (Except for ballet class, when her hair HAS to be up -- but there's no fight there, because it's coming from the ballet teacher, not mommy.) I think she tends to looks like a wild child, but she gets A LOT of compliments on her hair.

BTDT! Man, it's hard! But, I do remember as a kid how sensitive my head was, so her distress is real, albeit dramatic! Invest in detangling spray, and maybe even a glossing spray to help tame her hair after it's brushed (I found one for just a couple of dollars at Wal-Mart). Offer to spray it on her hair or let her attempt to spray it, and then let her brush it out first before you "check" it. That way when you brush it, it won't hurt as much (assuming she got out most of the tangles!) and you won't get blamed for the pain she's feeling. Get lots of different types of headbands because she can put these in herself (and they have a bunch of different kinds, from elastic thick or thin to hard plastic to embellished with every type of ribbon and flower imaginable). Also, offer her a choice of whether she puts in a headband or you put her hair up in a mary jane or pony tale or braid. As far as cool goes, I've been seeing a ton of headbands lately made for adults, so maybe an adult headband might be a little cooler than a little girl one (I always wanted to be more grown up when I was little). We have a lot of problems here with chlorine from swimming, and it seems to make a huge difference if we make sure her hair is properly cleaned and conditioned by adult products. I agree, though, that it can make it easier to go shorter. Maybe you can talk to her a bit about how she can have long hair or shorter hair and what the ramifications are of each. I happen to be a fan of the chin-length bobs a lot of girls are wearing now -- so cute!

ETA: DD8 has hair that can be washed and conditioned every night but she still wakes up with it tangled. Also, she can brush her hair in the morning, but if nothing else is done to it, it will look like a rats nest 30 minutes later. So, while other people are able to not let hair be a point of contention, I get it if that is not the case for you. However, I totally agree to let it slide if possible to avoid it becoming a battle-ground. I wish!

Oh, and DD8 also is impeccably behaved in public but can be emotional at home. Honestly, I'm just glad it's not the opposite! Really, though, I take it as a sign that she feels safe enough at home to feel all her emotions. And, since she's not in public, it's really not that big a deal to let her cry it out if she wants to. My only rule at home is that, while she can feel whatever way that she wants to and cry all she wants, if she's being loud and disturbing the rest of the family, she has to go into her room to do it.

Good point! Come to think of it, I was always more impatient with my family than with the rest of the world, and that probably has quite a bit to do with it. At home, hopefully, one is free to be oneself -- however unpleasant that may occasionally be.

Oh, this girl lived at my house too at age 3-4. We did just cut it into a short bob for a while. It made life much, much simpler and it grows back fast. It's almost midway down her back at age 6 now that she wants it combed, braided, and pony tailed. Preferably several times a day, often with a change of clothes.

I can relate to the hair woes, except I've got a 6yo boy who doesn't want his hair cut or brushed. I'm letting it go for the summer, but I'm making him get it cut before school starts. Our usual rule is if you can't comb through it, you must get it cut short enough so it doesn't matter if it's combed or not. We see no signs of change....

It's interesting that so many people feel that 4 year olds are 'too young' to have firm opinions. It must be all the movie and TV images portraying 4 year olds as 'real live baby dolls.' My son was adamant about wearing orange socks to daycare. Due to my 'I'd rather switch than fight' attitude, I just bought some orange dye and oranged all his socks, and a few T shirts while I was at it. I got to work on time, and DS was delighted.

But, he did grow up to be a kid who was ok with wanting what he wants. I, on the other hand, was forced through really painful hairbrushing, and that kind of hairdo where the adult pulls it all up high on top of my head and puts that rubber band on super tight. I would have headaches for hours ages 4-6. I complained. Mom said: 'It hurts to be beautiful.' in a tone that let me know that that was the end of the discussion.

To this day I can put up with a lot of discomfort, which is a blessing. DS14 complains that I didn't give him enough chances to see how it feels to 'not get his way.' I still am wearing my hair short, refusing any shoe with a heel of 1 inch or more, refusing any bra except 'sports' bras, dressing for comfort in general, refusing to dye my hair, and make up 'feels yucky' on my skin.

I think my point is that some of us are born very sensitive to things like clothing, smells, textures, hair. How our parents handle that makes a big difference in how we feel about ourselves, but not so much of a difference in how we handle the sensitivities. My DS14 has made a lot of progress, partially, I think, because he is motivated to fill his gender role, partially because he had a lot of parental support to go at his own speed.

So hugs @ chris1234!

It's really hard to 'take in' the aliveness and individuality of our young ones. Whatever you decide, it will help your daughter grow in someways, but not in others - there is no right answer, but there is opportunity to journal, or vent, or post about what it felt like to you to navigate the female role, and what your hopes and fears for your daughter's future are doing to mess up the present.

The great thing about hair is that it grows back. The hard thing is that it's so visible. If you live in a town where all the little girls have long, straight, untangled hair, it's hard to be so visibly different. Untangle the gender parts, and the white/ethnic/racial thing as best you can and find a solution that works for you.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Hi, thanks all for the many responses! My dh reminds me that is it so much easier with enough time (getting the hair thing done). I have tried more and more to go soooooper gently, so this definitely does help. I will for sure get some of the good sounding products; we had detangler for a while but it didn't quite get the job done so I think I will try the silk stuff that Katelyn's mom mentions too; sounds powerful.
Grinity, thanks for the post; I love the 'detangle the gender parts'! We do have some tangling over here for sure. We live in a pretty open community, short hair for girls would be ok, but she does ballet and it really is nice for her to have the 'bun' when everyone else does.
We had it bobbed for a bit but the bun really suffered! (normally I wouldn't care about that either, but she LOVES ballet and is so serious about it, I want her to have the whole package, and I think she does too...)

I will dig around for articles on the social pros and cons of skipping; if I find something good I will post it.

It is possible she is getting less sleep and this is affecting her mood after school, but I think it might be more of just letting loose at home because she can't or doesn't think she can do so at the preschool.
We are hoping to have her in k in the fall so maybe this will help too.

this is good...http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10379.aspx

Even if she 'could' let loose at school, the social cost would be super high. The cost was high on my son, and he had the 'boys will be boys' defense to fall back on (talk about tangled gender things) but girls who step out of line at school are opening themselves up for some high costs. Some do anyway, but the ones who are high EQ enough to dodge it, often will save it up for home. There are lots of references to gifted kids being more androgenous than ND kids. Who knows if it's even true. But if it is, my thought is that it's the kind of androgenous where they have LOTS of qualities that match their gender expectations and rather a lot of qualities that don't match, instead of being 'half way in the middle' or 'rather neither' although amoung us here I'll bet we could find plenty of kids in every catagory.

I love that when you slow down things go better, and I hope that the products work for you. I was thinking that maybe you could keep a picture of her bun for her to hold while you do her hair so she could keep her eyes on the goal.

Maybe a good compromise is bangs to eliminate the barrettes, while keeping the back hair long for the bun?

Love and More Love,
Grinity

We had the "you can't cut your hair because of ballet" issue, too. We're fortunate enough to have lots of studios in the area, and found one that has a very loose dress code - kids come in just about anything, and which pretty much every hairstyle and length imaginable, which helped a lot. When half the kids have too-short-to-bun hair, no one feels left out without a bun.

I agree with a previous poster, DD9 has sensitive palate, twins both have sensitive stomach (one frequently has slight upset stomach, not sure why but it hasn't gotten out of hand). DS4 definatly sensitive to noise and still has trouble watching a fireworks show without someone holding his ears shut.

I have tender headed girls. They are multiracial as well so they don't have a choice all the time of when they get their hair done unfortunatly. Thankfully they are now the age when they can start really doing some of their own hair (with reminding) and have some stuff that worked for us (cause we tryed many different things).

Pantene works great. The main things are the conditioner, detangler, and I think there is a leave in treatment that all worked very well. Love Pantene.

Garniere Fructise (sp?) also has some products, like one that comes in a green see through bottle with a pump, can't think of the name, that is a leave-in oil that works good for detangling but isn't greasy. And they also have a regular leave-in conditioner.

Use the leave in products while the hair is still wet, it will help it move throughout the hair evenly.

DD does ballet at an academy which means strict rules about hair. She has or rather HAD long hair which helped with the rules but I really felt for some of the other moms whose children had layers in their hair. I couldn't imagine forcing that hair into a bun for their performances. Poor things. When we received their costumes we also received very specific instructions on how the hair was to be put up, including no bangs allowed.

The reason DD no longer has long hair is because she took it upon herself to give herself a haircut. She went to town on it and scalped the top of her head. And before anyone goes there with this was a clear sign of her not wanting the gender specific long hair ... she was the one who insisted on long hair. I was happier with shorter layered hair and bangs. But as long as she allowed us to pull it out of her face, I was fine with letting her grow it.