Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Emotional/Mental Health Help, please.

Hi all! I think my son, who is gifted and has motor dyspraxia and dysgraphia, needs some help. And I am not sure how to help him. Perhaps some of you have some advice? Maybe been here yourself?

In short, my son appears to have a quite fragile ego that manifests in his having a very difficult time managing constructive criticism and instruction. It seems that he is increasingly unable to face/admit his faults/shortcomings/mistakes without it devastating his ego. He, therefore, just refuses to accept he is making mistakes/not doing something correctly/needs to improve. This is getting to be a big problem (it seems to be getting worse as he was not always like this or at least not this bad) because criticism is a part of learning and he needs to learn from his mistakes (which he can not if he will not face or admit them) and he needs to develop a level of maturity necessary to learn and improve, etc.

Here is an example of the issue: He has been playing ice hockey for two years. As you can imagine, having dyspraxia does NOT make this an easy undertaking at all. One of the problems he has been having in hockey, consistently for the past two years, is where to line up/position himself during face-off. He is very, very often in the wrong spot and when the ref notices this he will not start the face-off until DS is in the right position. On one the teams my son plays, my husband is assistant coach; so, he is on the bench and calls out to DS when he sees DS going to the wrong spot. On the other team my son plays one his teammates has taken to often showing him where to stand (that particular team is extremely, and oddly, supportive an positive with each other and it is adorable how this kiddo helps my son). Of course, that teammate is not always on the same line as my son so if they are not together on the ice DS ends up in wrong spot. This *should* be embarrassing to DS but he *seems* not too embarrassed. Up until recently, I kept thinking eventually he'll get it... right? Last night during a game, however, DS lined up wrong, ref did not notice and DH noticed too late to call out to DS. Because DS didn't realize that he lined up wrong, and that the goalies had switched sides (they switch every period), he actually starting carrying the puck in the wrong direction. At which point, his entire team starts yelling at him to turn around (this is not the super supportive team, btw) - super embarrassing. [The up-side was as he turned, an opposing player checked him hard and landed on top of him and, then, couldn't seem to get off of him (LOL) so the DS's team ended up with a power play.] It is at this point that it hits me hard - I need to figure out why DS is lining up wrong because he must be harboring some erroneous/mistaken belief that is causing this. My husband said "oh he just doesnt care enough" But I know that is not true. I know he just needs it explained in a certain way to "get it." So, I asked him about it this morning and I felt like I did not ask in an angry or condescending way... I did say something like, "tell my what your thought process is when you lining up for faceoff because you keep lining up wrong and we need to figure out why." In response, he completely melted down - screaming at me that he does not usually line up wrong, crying, etc. He insisted he does not usually line up wrong for face-off. I can tell you he does line up incorrectly A LOT... And he is getting to an age and a level where it is not acceptable. I am not sure how he does not realize this. But the more I tried to explain it to him, the louder he screamed at me - until he was shrieking and freaking out. He is constantly being made to correct his position either by the ref or a teammate or coach. And everybody sees this because everyone is watching, waiting for the faceoff. I was stunned by his inability to deal with this issue. Then, I realized - he can not face/admit that he is doing this a lot because facing that inadequacy is 'devastating' his self esteem... It struck me that he appears not to be able to handle how his failure makes him feel so he needs to deny it. Obviously, he can not get better if he won't say to himself, his dad, me or his coach, "I gotta figure put why I keep getting this wrong so I can fix it."

There are other things... my husband will give him constructive criticism and pointers on where to improve with stick-handling, for example, and he will completely shut-down and say "my stick handling is awesome I do not need to work on that!" when nothing could be further from the truth. And it is not like my husband is a tiger-dad... he is being pretty gentle. But DS can not improve with this kind of mindset. There is a player on his team who is VERY gifted and he seems always open to even how he could improve and instruction. My son who needs it the most can not seem to handle instruction or criticism at all. It is so weird to me. I have also noticed it several times in math as well. He will be completely unable to face up to where/when his thought process is breaking down in math concept he is struggling with.

The good news is he usually he does calm down eventually and we get there. He'll probably come in this afternoon and we'll talk and figure it out. But it scares and troubles me that he is this way and that it is getting worse.

I am worried that he needs to cope with this better or he will have serious problems and unhappiness. He needs to recognize that no one learns anything without making mistakes and everyone has struggles/inadequacies but he can face those and work on them without it meaning that he is now identified as a "failure." I am thinking of getting him therapy but I am not sure. The last time he went for therapy the psychologist just wasn't very good and it was a waste. But I think he needs help.

Anyway, sorry this is so long...If you made it this far and have advice insight, I'd love to hear it.