Hi all! I think my son, who is gifted and has motor dyspraxia and dysgraphia, needs some help. And I am not sure how to help him. Perhaps some of you have some advice? Maybe been here yourself?

In short, my son appears to have a quite fragile ego that manifests in his having a very difficult time managing constructive criticism and instruction. It seems that he is increasingly unable to face/admit his faults/shortcomings/mistakes without it devastating his ego. He, therefore, just refuses to accept he is making mistakes/not doing something correctly/needs to improve. This is getting to be a big problem (it seems to be getting worse as he was not always like this or at least not this bad) because criticism is a part of learning and he needs to learn from his mistakes (which he can not if he will not face or admit them) and he needs to develop a level of maturity necessary to learn and improve, etc.

Here is an example of the issue: He has been playing ice hockey for two years. As you can imagine, having dyspraxia does NOT make this an easy undertaking at all. One of the problems he has been having in hockey, consistently for the past two years, is where to line up/position himself during face-off. He is very, very often in the wrong spot and when the ref notices this he will not start the face-off until DS is in the right position. On one the teams my son plays, my husband is assistant coach; so, he is on the bench and calls out to DS when he sees DS going to the wrong spot. On the other team my son plays one his teammates has taken to often showing him where to stand (that particular team is extremely, and oddly, supportive an positive with each other and it is adorable how this kiddo helps my son). Of course, that teammate is not always on the same line as my son so if they are not together on the ice DS ends up in wrong spot. This *should* be embarrassing to DS but he *seems* not too embarrassed. Up until recently, I kept thinking eventually he'll get it... right? Last night during a game, however, DS lined up wrong, ref did not notice and DH noticed too late to call out to DS. Because DS didn't realize that he lined up wrong, and that the goalies had switched sides (they switch every period), he actually starting carrying the puck in the wrong direction. At which point, his entire team starts yelling at him to turn around (this is not the super supportive team, btw) - super embarrassing. [The up-side was as he turned, an opposing player checked him hard and landed on top of him and, then, couldn't seem to get off of him (LOL) so the DS's team ended up with a power play.] It is at this point that it hits me hard - I need to figure out why DS is lining up wrong because he must be harboring some erroneous/mistaken belief that is causing this. My husband said "oh he just doesnt care enough" But I know that is not true. I know he just needs it explained in a certain way to "get it." So, I asked him about it this morning and I felt like I did not ask in an angry or condescending way... I did say something like, "tell my what your thought process is when you lining up for faceoff because you keep lining up wrong and we need to figure out why." In response, he completely melted down - screaming at me that he does not usually line up wrong, crying, etc. He insisted he does not usually line up wrong for face-off. I can tell you he does line up incorrectly A LOT... And he is getting to an age and a level where it is not acceptable. I am not sure how he does not realize this. But the more I tried to explain it to him, the louder he screamed at me - until he was shrieking and freaking out. He is constantly being made to correct his position either by the ref or a teammate or coach. And everybody sees this because everyone is watching, waiting for the faceoff. I was stunned by his inability to deal with this issue. Then, I realized - he can not face/admit that he is doing this a lot because facing that inadequacy is 'devastating' his self esteem... It struck me that he appears not to be able to handle how his failure makes him feel so he needs to deny it. Obviously, he can not get better if he won't say to himself, his dad, me or his coach, "I gotta figure put why I keep getting this wrong so I can fix it."

There are other things... my husband will give him constructive criticism and pointers on where to improve with stick-handling, for example, and he will completely shut-down and say "my stick handling is awesome I do not need to work on that!" when nothing could be further from the truth. And it is not like my husband is a tiger-dad... he is being pretty gentle. But DS can not improve with this kind of mindset. There is a player on his team who is VERY gifted and he seems always open to even how he could improve and instruction. My son who needs it the most can not seem to handle instruction or criticism at all. It is so weird to me. I have also noticed it several times in math as well. He will be completely unable to face up to where/when his thought process is breaking down in math concept he is struggling with.

The good news is he usually he does calm down eventually and we get there. He'll probably come in this afternoon and we'll talk and figure it out. But it scares and troubles me that he is this way and that it is getting worse.

I am worried that he needs to cope with this better or he will have serious problems and unhappiness. He needs to recognize that no one learns anything without making mistakes and everyone has struggles/inadequacies but he can face those and work on them without it meaning that he is now identified as a "failure." I am thinking of getting him therapy but I am not sure. The last time he went for therapy the psychologist just wasn't very good and it was a waste. But I think he needs help.

Anyway, sorry this is so long...If you made it this far and have advice insight, I'd love to hear it.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? We haven't tried it, but the pediatrician suggested it as a way to deal with inappropriate emotions/reactions to situations.

Whoever it is to help your son with the hockey problem specifically, it needs to come from someone else, not you the parents. I'd speak to the coach - I haven't the foggiest about hockey but it sounds like an unsustainable situation and he may lose his spot on the team over this eventually, right? So, the coach needs to tell him what he is doing wrong and if possible, your husband should stop "helping", too. The first thing he needs to learn is that it IS a problem, and that he is only in the right position most of the time because other people are watching out for him. If they stop doing it, he'll realize he needs to learn for himself.

I second the idea of CBT. We have started doing it with our explosive kid who has similar meltdowns over completely reasonable criticism and does not handle strong emotions well. No obvious results yet, but DS9 loves going...

Have you heard the same concerns from either his hockey coaches or his teachers? If you haven't, I wonder if part of the reaction you're receiving isn't due simply to the advice coming from his parents. I also wonder (this is probably a very naive question so feel free to say, um, pb, you're nuts!).. but why do you expect it to be embarrassing for him to be in the wrong starting position? I'm not a hockey parent, so I can't speak specifically to hockey, but my kids have participated in quite a few sports, from dyspraxic ds who's totally *not* an athlete and not coordinated, to my ds who is a competitive gymnast. There are many times that kids on their teams and in the individual/group sports they participate in don't get things correct or perfect or whatever - some kids repeatedly having the same challenges - but no one gets embarrassed.

I think re the hockey issue with lining up, it's possibly related to his dyspraxia and challenges with direction (at least my ds is still very directionally challenged). If you could figure out some type of touchstone thing that he could always use as a go-by to let him know which way is which for lining up, then have either an understanding teammate or coach give him the hint (*not* his parents), that might give him a tool which will help when he lines up.

Best wishes, and good to hear from you!

polarbear

How old is your son?

Depending on your DS' age, maybe this book will be useful -- Thanks for the Feedback, I Think (Best Me I Can Be!)

Yes, I have heard similar concerns from teachers here and there - his current math teacher, in particular. Although he is doing better with that presently ... with his math teacher, I mean. He said to me, "I don't feel like I have to prove anything to Mrs. Math Teacher anymore and so I have been going to her when I do not understand something or why I got something wrong. She's been really nice and I think she likes me now." I have not heard from her yet (I will during the upcoming PT conference) but I suspect her improved attitude towards him has to do with him being open to her instruction and constructive criticism. His attitude of "I know what I am doing I do not need help" when he clearly did need help would drive her crazy. So, I guess that is good - in one area it does seem to be improving.

And, yes, the lining up thing is definitely related to his dyspraxia. Definitely. Then, he also needs to think about being on the left side or the right side, and well you know how that is for someone like DS! However the left winger/right winger isn't a big thing but he does at least have to be on the correct side. I realized that my husband (who by the way is the assistant coach so he is suppose to be telling DS what to do) may not be explaining it in a way DS understands. I certainly have this problem with DH myself. And DS may not understand but is too proud to admit it and he doesn't get what DH is saying. For example, I personally had no idea where DS is suppose to be either because I did not know the positions. I only knew he was wrong because it causes a bit of a spectacle and a delay each time DS needed correcting. So, I asked DH last night, where is he suppose to be? How does he know where to go? DH gave me an explanation that did not make sense to me so I kept pushing and asking questions. I realized that is the problem - I don't think it has been explained to DS in a way he understands. You are exactly right and that was my thought he needs a way of thinking about it that makes sense to him - he needs like a 'tool' to use each time. I was trying to figure that out! What makes sense to neurotypical hockey player may not make much sense to DS as he thinks differently.

Re embarrassing, you have a point - DS is not the only one who gets it wrong ...occasionally others do too but it is MUCH less frequent. DS almost always has it wrong. I would assume it is embarrassing for it to happen so much at this level. It is especially embarrassing to end up carrying the puck the wrong way,, and that happened because he was in the wrong position in the first place.

No real ideas, but we have a simialr issue with my DD. I do find that anything coming from us is received much more defensively than from others. Sometimes it does make me feel bad. I think it's probably comfort level, though, because I have also seen DD get like this with her very best friend when she would never be like that with a more distant friend...guess she feels she can let it all out, which isn't so great.

He is right in the middle of his 10th year.

I mean yeah - he is definitely the worst with his father... they really can push each other's buttons... He is usually much more receptive to me.

It just worries me. I really do not think it is good. It certainly impedes his improving. And it just breaks my heart because he is clearly hurting, too.

I think this problem is very related to dyspraxia because he very acutely feels his inadequacies, you know? It's hard for a 10 year old boy to have this issue of motor coordination. I can see through his eyes and it looks like this stuff (ball sports, hockey, etc.) just comes so easily to most of these boys around here. I mean, no, most are not gifted/talented athletically (but we have a few - there is a kid on DS's hockey team who is just pure talent - I mean, he really has a gift) but they all pick up this stuff pretty easily compared to DS and DS is almost always on the lower end of skill. But he LOOKS completely normal. I think it is hard for him to cope. He looks normal, is super intelligent, but can't figure out where he is suppose to position himself in a face-off after TWO years of playing? That's gotta be rough. It's almost like his self-esteem just needs protection.

I am looking into this book now. Thanks!

My DS 11 was in a similar situation last year. He had been playing basketball for a few years but were never good at or seem interested. It became very obvious during the game. His lack of attention and average skills made it very hard to watch a lot of times, especially to my husband. DH was ok with DS being an average player but could not tolerate him not being focused and not being a team player. It created such a tension between them to the point DS's academic performance started to slip due partly to frustration against his dad. Being 11 and not courageous enough, he wasn't ready to say" mom I want to quit basketball". After a couple of weeks, and the spring season came to an end, and I realized we should not hold any expectations for something DS truly did not excel. We decided that it was time for him to quit basketball and discussed with him to only keep activities he truly enjoyed. We totally relaxed in the summer and just enjoyed nature and some self directly learning. It helped! At least, it released tension between DH and DS for the time being.

The point I was trying to make is that, please lower expectations or let him focus on something he is good at and confident about.

Hmmm yes, lots of good points. I can relate to the games being very hard to watch sometimes. DS has said he does not want to quit hockey, though. I think part of it is that he wants a sport. His friends that play football and basketball are a bit in awe of hockey (they can't even ice skate) so it gives him street-cred, so to speak, and they do not play so they do not see how good or badly he is doing. He does, however, want to quit this one team he is on (the school team) - he plays on two teams (a school team and a club travel team). He is much happier and engaged on club travel team than the school one - it's a better level for him and he is considered a "decent" player on that team (and that team is the one where his teammate gets him in the right position for face off - the kiddos on that team are just incredibly sweet). The school team, the one his father coaches, is the one he wants to quit. That team has some really talented players so he does not get to shine or even improve much. There has also been some bullying and other drama on the team that interferes with the team climate. I noticed that he was almost depressed on the school team and a completely different guy on the club team. I talked to him about quitting the school team and pulled him out of the team immediately upon his confirming he wanted to quit it. His father and the head coach, however, convinced to stay and see out the season . That is probably playing into all of this. He will not be playing for that team next year, though, and he is adamant about it. He said he definitely wants to continue with club team.

Anyway, he came in from school and he apologized and we talked about it and he was like a totally different kid than the one that melted down this morning. We discussed different tools he could use to remember where he is suppose to be. He seems perfectly fine now. But, I still think this is an issue that I want to stay on top of.

I ordered "Thanks for the Feedback, I Think (Best Me I Can Be!) " I am not sure if it is too young for him ...But I figure it's worth a shot .. even if it gives me some things to say and ways to communicate with DS about this.

Oh my goodness PurpleViolin ... I see you had similar problems with your guy: http://giftedissues.davidsongifted....rnness_and_refuse_to_be_.html#Post214509

I feel like the hockey thing is just one example of the same issue - refusing to be corrected. Your Ds improved on this though, yes?

Have you thought of having your ds try a different sport? I wouldn't give up on the hockey yet if he likes it - but if he's not involved in any other sports I'd look around for something else he likes to do. My ds has always preferred sports that he performs as an individual in, so that a team isn't relying on him - but he's still able to participate in those sports with groups, it's just not a team sport such as soccer or hockey or basketball etc. DS prefers mountain biking (and belongs to a group that bikes) and is on the cross country team in school (anyone who wants to can join and participate - same is true for all of our schools, so meets are huge and somewhat social, plus he gets the benefits of learning how to set goals for himself and sports nutrition etc but it doesn't matter to anyone that he comes in as part of the tail end of runners). I think swimming might be a good sport too for some dyspraxics, but ds had trouble learning how to swim. Skiing is another sport that ds enjoys. Rowing might be another that would work (but we have no rowing here lol!). My older dd enjoys cyclocross, which is relatively new in our area... I think ds would like it too, but he's been too busy to try it out yet.

Anyway, just some random thoughts - finding a sport to add in where you can enjoy it as a family and take away the stress of having to feel like ds needs to be corrected might be good for your ds - confidence building for him, more fun for the rest of the family

polarbear

I can totally relate to this and it is something that we've worked on for YEARS with DS. Not sure if this has helped but we've really made an effort to model it ourselves whenever we have the chance. I play hockey and so does DS and like your DS he declared very early on that "he knew everything and didn't need to practice". We talked a lot about how even NHL players practice and are always working to improve and how I've played forever and I'm still learning and trying to be better. We've also tried new things as a family where DH and I are learning something alongside the kids and even though you feel ridiculous we've been know to say things like "it's fun to try learn something new".

I'll also say that I've coached hockey for 20+ years and your kid isn't the only 10 year old that can't figure out the left and right thing. With young kids I usually ask them every shift if they are on the side near the stands or near the bench just before they go on and don't even talk about right/left (of course it has to change when the periods change so that is still fun).

Oh, and many coaches I know can't coach their own kids Most coaching teams I've been on will put the parent-coach on the opposite end of the bench from their kid for that very reason. I've coached DS for 5 years and this is the first year that he has been able to admit that I actually might be able to offer him some useful advice (well sometimes...lol).

Good luck!

Yes, he does like soccer and I think that is easier for him because he does not have to coordinate his anything other than his legs and a ball. With hockey, you're skating and, at the same time, coordinating a stick and puck - it's hard! He played intramural soccer last year. This year he wants to try out for travel. But I think if he doesn't make travel soccer he will do intramural. I have been encouraging the soccer because he likes it and I do want him to have an alternative if hockey doesn't work out. I do think the hockey is good for his dyspraxia. I mean, what better way to work on coordination? I like to think of it as fun physical therapy. As long it remains mostly fun and not demoralizing for him!

Also, he is picking up skiing very well. But skiing is just a winter thing that we can only do a few times during the winter because the mountains are about two hours away.

Thanks for all your thoughts, Polarbear! How is your DS doing these days?

Wow so great to have a hockey dad and coach weigh in! I should have known - you being Canadian and all! I like your advice and thoughts. And it is certainly a relief to know he is no the only squirt still struggling with where to stand during a face off!

Happy it helped. Just to further encourage the Canadian stereotype that EVERYONE plays hockey - I'm actually a hockey mom/player

One of the many reasons that we sign our kids up for sports is that there is always a challenge to be had. I personally have learned more on the ice/field about hard work, dedication, taking criticism, never giving up, teamwork, etc than I did in a classroom and as a bonus I managed to have a lot of amazing experiences and friends along the way. I have no expectations that my kids will be superstars - my main goal is that they are still playing/doing *something* when they're my age that keeps them active and makes them happy. Maybe it will be hockey, maybe not, but either way I figure that learning to push themselves and being willing to try new things are key to eventually figuring that out for themselves.

Irena, you might also be interested in "Your Fantastic Elastic Brain". It's a picture book but is aimed at slightly older kids because it talks about the anatomy of the brain and how it works. The book's main emphasis is that you need to try new things and make mistakes along the way if you want your brain to grow. I found it useful with DS6 who is an extreme perfectionist and is horrified at the notion of making mistakes. I presume most GCs are pretty cerebral, so it might help for him to understand that mistakes can actually be a "good" thing.

Ha Ha! So sorry! Actually, in my defense I have always thought you were a guy even before this hockey discussion! It's you user name, I think - my DH and I have a friend named Chay and I just associate that name with a guy.

Anyway, thanks!

Thanks, this sounds interesting! I will look into it as well...

Irena, Sorry I haven't been here for days. Yes, your frustration with your DS is very familiar! DS11 refuses to be guided or corrected for almost anything he does, therefore, private lessons are almost all a waste of money, even for the activities he claims to enjoy, such as piano. He does enjoy but he just wants to do it his own way. We've came to realize that it's not worth it and have stopped all the activities that he does not enjoy or willingly practice without being reminded or nagged. He still swims 5 days a week, completely at his own will and enjoys it, It's just we don't ask him what his times are and when he would like to participate in the meets. On the other hand, his work habits including writing has improved tremendously over the past year, thanks to two very consistent teacher he adores and appropriate level of challenges. History, humanities and writing are where his strength and interests are, so it was not as hard as asking him to change his swimming strokes or run faster
My point is it is much more efficient to follow the child's lead and let him be himself and accepting and celebrating who he is.

DS still has melt downs over different things, but we've over the time learned how to cope and help hi manage his emotion.