So, a couple of questions. How does one stop the cycle when a kid gets that ramped up? How does a mom deal with the guilt when child is saying she hates her? This is a theme in our house for DD. My statement back is I am getting her ready to be a grownup (making her do chores, behave, etc). It has nothing to do with love or no love on my part. Perhaps this really got to me yesterday and the last time because DD rarely cries. Oh, and I told her this morning that we were going to discuss this later so maybe you all have some ideas on how to frame that conversation?
When my son used to get this way, I did exactly the same type of thing you did. The work was immediately stopped and my son send somewhere (usually his room) where he could calm down. What I learned was to not try and reason with him once he would break down because it never worked and only made things worse. We would discuss the situation later (next day -- at least 6 hours later) after he had calmed down and had time to recoup. We discussed that I was sending him to him room wasn't to 'punish' him but to give him space to calm down. I had been taking classes in "non violent communication" that I found helpful in talking my child through his feelings and keeping him involved in the solutions. I don't feel real comfortable in explaining this whole system but one of the main points to to talk about both of your feelings and make sure you DD hears you state that you recognize her feelings before moving onto solutions.
My personal belief is that early puberty exasperated this situation. My son was the most difficult at 11-12. My DS16's never did this type of thing at a library but did throw these fits AT SCHOOL. And believe me that got him into a heap of trouble. I ended up taking DS to a psychologist who diagnosed him with anxiety disorder. He did end up helping him a lot. That and the social skill class I put him in that spring. Screaming fits in class did nothing to make his classmates like him. The professionals that worked with him taught him some technique to help "center" him.
At 16 my son is an entirely different child. Although it's not that he doesn't have similar problem with perfectionism and getting stuck on work. But he has learned how better to control his emotions. We have worked hard at managing his stress but cutting back the difficulty level in some classes. I believe some of this is just growing up and getting more mature. But as I've stated I've also gotten him professional help.
Good Luck. I've been there and it's not fun.
