"though we present it in a more positive framework than binip presents here."
Haha, didn't mean to come off so negative. We do say positive things--but when a child insists that you don't know what you're talking about so she's leaving, you are sorely tempted to let her see how that works out!
I agree that there needs to be a positive side to it as well, such as letting them take control of things, do chores, etc.
And sometimes I will "give up" and say, "You know what? It's me who needs a clean house to function, it's me who hates it when we're late to school, so I'm going to clean your room this week because it's me who doesn't feel like overseeing it and I don't feel like bribing you with an allowance."
Sometimes they're like, "YAY MOM THANKS!!!" (This week.
Sometimes they're like, "NO! We can do it! We want an allowance!"
Sometimes they ask me to do it for them and I say "No, I have the energy to do my parental duty and enforce your cleaning of your room. I'm okay with staying inside all day to follow up on it. You need to learn what is acceptable when you live with other people and that's my job."
Then we might just stay inside all day. I tell them to organize the cleaning, they whine, I explain why, they whine, I tell them what the consequences will be, they whine, I explain that they have 30 minutes, and leave. Rinse, repeat until the room is clean or everything goes in big black garbage bags for storage 30 minutes before bedtime because that is what happens when you don't fulfill your obligations to your roomies. Nobody should have to live like that.
A little choice goes a long way. We try to present all consequences like choices: "You don't HAVE to take off your shoes when you come in the house, but if you don't, then you need to sweep every night instead of playing games or reading. What, you don't like sweeping? That's fine. Then take off your shoes."
Sadly they are smarter than us and frequently insist on a third choice which is something more like, "I know. How about you do all the work and I have all the fun? How about THAT option?"
Which brings us back to, "I have all the money and you have nothing."
And as a former "gifted child" I can tell you I wasn't worried about my mom handling it. I just thought that I knew everything, she was a little stupid (she is not stupid, she's very smart, great at her job and was a great, great mom), and that the world was too small and unimportant for me to deal with 'petty' things like cleaning my room or doing handwriting worksheets. In short, I was a little poop. I don't imagine that my children's defiance comes from another, more sensitive place, particularly not the little one, who is just as much of a stinker as I was.
