I should have listened to the advice, but I decided at the last minute to take my son to Vacation Bible School at our small town church. I thought my son and I both needed to get out of the house and around other people. I was feeling very sad and depressed because I realize that my mother is probably nearing the end stage of dementia and I know that my Dad will need more help from us in caring for her. The thought of this is just overwhelming for me sometimes. I guess I just wanted to feel that our lives were normal for a few hours.

I had to talk my son into going to Vacation Bible School. I told him that he did not have to do the hand motions during the songs and that he could sit out during races and that I would explain to the crafts teacher that he might take a little longer to do some crafts. I just wanted him to try to have fun and I did see him smiling a few times.

But I could feel some of the VBS teachers looking at me when my son didn't do some of the physical activities that he was self conscious about doing because of his motor coordination disorder. Some of them are teachers at the public school or are retired public school teachers. Two of the VBS teachers had a conversation next to me about how they had trouble with their kids when they were older because they did not "make" them do things when they were younger. One teacher I talked to did seem to understand when I explained that my son was twice exceptional. She said she knew that kids like mine fall through the cracks in our school. She was very nice, but the rest of the teachers, while nice to my face, were watching me and most likely talking about me. Talking about other people seems to be something they really enjoy in our small town and of course, sports, but I think that it is probably a typical small town.

As we were leaving, I noticed the daughter of the swimming teacher who gave my son lessons a few years ago. I talked to her while she waited for her mother. I had called her mother before school was out for the summer (she is also a public school teacher) and asked if she was going to do the swimming lessons again because my son really wanted to take lessons from her. She said she would let me know. When I talked to her daughter I found out that she was doing the lessons and that they were already booked up for June and I realized then that she probably didn't want my son in the class so I didn't stay.

My son and I then walked to our car and the lady who is in charge of VBS told me that teachers and parents who are staying during VBS are not supposed to park where I parked, although there is no sign.

I tried so hard to keep it together on the way home, but by the end of the 15 minute drive, I couldn't hold it in any longer and I started crying and of course my son thinks it is his fault. We didn't go back this morning but tonight is family night and if my husband can go with me I want to go and pick up my son's craft.

My son was supposed to go to acting practice yesterday evening, but when I told him his teacher had sent an email saying she was going to start 4 day a week rehearsals, he said that wasn't fun any more either and he didn't want to go. Instead, he went online and looked at all the pictures of the musicals he had been in, starting when he was four. He felt sad about it not being the way it used to be and said he just didn't want to do it any more. One of his friends is a relative of the acting teacher and he told us months ago that she gave the best parts to her relatives because her family had to look better than anyone else. All those times when she gave my son his lines to memorize last or forgot to make enough copies of the music CD so he would have to wait while the other kids had their CDs to practice with finally made sense. So the acting class isn't exactly a refuge from petty competitiveness. Yet he decided to stay for a while after hearing this because some of his friends were still in the group. Most of them have quit now though. If he quits now, she will not let him back in.

I went to visit my parents and my dad told me that he had his worst day with my mother because she didn't make it to the bathroom in time and she didn't want to be cleaned up and she fought him and fell on the floor and he had a lot of trouble getting her back up and they both had new bruises and it was just awful.

It looks like we are on our own here. I guess we can now add reclusive to our description of our homeschooling style, because I will not try again. I guess we will now be eclectic, reclusive homeschoolers.

My son is okay with this. He said he knew from day one that VBS would not work for us but he knew that I wanted to go, so he went. He says he feels like he makes my life more difficult sometimes and he wants me to be happy.

He said we just need to spend more time on the internet because with the internet you can be whoever you want to be and you can even have friends online. He says he will leave this state when he is older and maybe even this country, but until then, he can visit places online and meet people online.