Although from 18 months old dd knew her abcs and all the letters sounds, no one seemed to notice as i was home with her all the time. Everyone i talked to about my surprise at her achievements, gave me the impression they thought i was drilling her..that confused me.. it couldn't be further from the truth (as i am sure you all know). As she turned 2 she was talking rings round me with why? and was full of questions. I was branching out as a new mom and getting very excited about all she could do and joined in with my friends and playground mams talking about how amazing our kids are, only to discover after i blurted too much that my little one was miles ahead of anyone else and i wasn't allowed say anything unless i wanted backs turned on me and to be left isolated. So sadly i've learned to shut my mouth. I had already said too much though as people who i thought were friends could only focus on the negative aspects of my child from then on, as if she and I needed grounding.
I never tell friends what my child does or doesn't know, nor to do I get out the letters or books or puzzles when they are around to try to get her to show them in what ways she is advanced. She doesn't need the praise, it's not very interesting for other adults to hear about, and her praise isn't
my praise.
The fact that she liked to be alone studying something or other for ages, including kids at a distance didn't help. They looked at her like she was odd. She is always tuned in to how people feel and told me she didn't like how any of the mammys on the playground looked at her (her own words @ 2.5), or any of the kids because they were too rough. She is super gentle and hates to see any form of roughness, including kung fu panda images or me killing a fly! but this is all turned into negative by anyone outside the family.. they say she needs more contact with kids to "learn kid behaviour". (personally i think she has already gone beyond it, but how do you say that?!!) I tried some one on one playgroups, but each time my little one was running rings around the other, in talking, memory, general realization/know-how etc. and i never had to say a word, the moms saw it straight away and they subtly got out of meeting up anymore.. they spent their time comparing anyway which was embarrassing, so maybe it was a good thing. But what do i do now?
I usually just let the other parents know I realize my child isn't very interested in playing with other kids yet, try to give my child and the other child a lot of attention, try to praise the other child's physical, mental or social skills to the mother so that they see I'm interested in them and not just focusing on my own child, even if my child is completely ignoring everyone except me. If a mom tells me her child can do X and in my head I know my child can do 2X, I look at the child and say "Wow, you can do X?! That's so cool!" and then move on. I do not engage in comparing. It's natural for other parents to ask questions because they want to know what is normal but just because they are telling you something their child did doesn't mean they are asking you what your child did. I've learned not to allow myself to get any self-esteem boost from talking about what my child has done - it's not my accomplishment, neither she nor I need to tell everyone ever my child's grandparents don't even hear the things that most impress me.
Once she was called a drama queen which is what stings most. Its almost moms bullying my kid. She had bumped her head after another kid pushed her and she couldn't handle either thing and she just cried uncontrollably while shouting at me to just leave her, and then went to calm down at the top of the slide like an older kid would sort themselves out.. I know that she is very sensitive, but i have read it goes hand in hand with being gifted and am learning to help her deal with eg. when a bee gets squashed or theres a stone in her shoe, to which she will squeal about, because it hurts! I never dramatize any of these situations, its just in her. I'm sure someone out there will get it.. I've changed playgrounds to a point that i don't know where to go anymore. I have lost friends and am feeling alone..
I'm sorry. It sounds like maybe the other mother was embarrassed because her child hurt yours and your child was acting upset. What I do when this happens and another parent is looking at me with concern, is explain to the other parent that my child is fine, she was just scared and needs a hug (or in your case, maybe just needs some time alone). That way the other parent knows I'm not mad that their child pushed mine. I understand that they are kids.
Since she has been two i have never discussed her achievements with anyone because i can't, and she constantly hears other people going on about their kids.
I think when you stay in a group for longer there won't be the constant discussions about what the kids are doing. That sort of thing gets old pretty fast.
As a result of me not talking about her she seemed to one day come to the conclusion of: 'i'm boring, i don't know anything'. This has been the final straw for me. I can't take it and don't know where to turn for reassurance that this isn't affecting her in a bad way.
Can you talk about her without talking about accomplishments? Like, we went ___ and she liked ____. Tell them about the ____, DD. Could you talk about what she is doing at that moment "Look at the tower DD is making, pretty cool!" Or if you just want to give her some praise to overhead, can you talk about accomplishments that aren't related to academics - "DD helped me clean her room today and put away all of her toys". "I said my nose itched and she scratched it for me, she is so kind." Or let her overhear praise in front of your husband or relatives? I think you can fill up her need for this, if there is one, and it doesn't have to be done in front of other parents.
Another thing, she looooves to talk to adults and they don't love to talk to her even if its about the planets or why we see shadows. No one likes a know it all i guess..
I think it's really normal for adults to think other people's children are annoying to talk to. I wouldn't read too much into this.
What can i say when they put their hands over their ears when she screeches because the bridge at the playground is too wobbly and she thinks she will fall?
You can apologize quietly to the person covering her ears, and then whisper to your child to look, that was hurting someone's ears. That made him cover his ears. Maybe make a game out of trying to scream quietly and get her giggling if you can. The main thing is just showing others around that you do acknowledge them, even if you can't always control your young child.
What can i tell them when they scoff at her knowledge as if i've programmed her? ]I should be proud but all i feel is embarrassed because i don't know what to say, and she is picking up on it.
I've been a little embarrassed by child's social behavior sometimes but often I just ask the other parent (not where my child can hear), what they recommend. In your case I might say "She hasn't learned how to talk about what other people are interested in yet, or how to tell if she is boring someone. She thinks that if she's interested in something, everyone else is interested too. She's only 2 so I don't know how to teach her that skill yet. What would you do?" I think often people just want to know that you see there's an issue. For my child the big one is that sometimes she cries in groups - so I just explain she gets stressed when she's new in a group but that she should calm down soon and I'm not sure what else I should be doing but leave it open for them to give me suggestions. They usually go from concerned looks that hurt my feelings to compassionate understanding looks instantly if we have that exchange.
I'm feeling exhausted. I know no one will ever love my child like i do, but am i wrong to expect some recognition for her.
Do you want it for her or for you? I could be wrong but I think you can probably fill up her need for attention and praise before you even get to the playground.
She is a lovely kid. All the people i meet who either don't have kids or are past a certain age absolutely love and adore her so i'm not delusional. She has a small family around her and those other people work or are away all day and all i'm left to deal with are the playground or toddler group mums. Any suggestions on how to handle them and their rudeness? should i just hide at home praising her myself til school?
I think the main thing I do is treat interactions with people as though they are mind-readers, and try to adjust my thinking/making it more reasonable so they don't read my ruder thoughts.
What I mean by that is this:
Say another child's mom proudly tells me that her child recognizes many letters and sings the ABC song. In my head I could think, that's great but my child recognizes lots of words and has for a long time.
What I don't
think is "My child is smarter than yours" - Early reading is not an IQ test. Academic knowledge is not an IQ test. Her child might have the higher IQ and even if my child had a higher IQ, my child might grow up and struggle to keep a full-time job. There's nothing predictive about whose kid knows about letters, planets or dinosaurs first. Also, girls are often are very advanced in terms of language compared to boys the same age. Being a year or more ahead is not at all uncommon.
What I don't think is "If you knew my child knows some things your child doesn't know, you'd be jealous because my child is smarter." - First, we don't know who is smarter. Second, the other mom probably wouldn't care, she'd just wonder why I was trying to one up her instead of just saying something positive in response to her story about her child singing the ABCs. A more appropriate response would have been to enthusiastically ask to hear the ABC song.
What I do think is "She is very proud of her child, it's fun for parents to see them learning new things, I want this to be a positive interaction for her. What can I say to make this a positive interaction?"
I think people can read non-verbal cues like reading minds and if you are thinking something negative about what they say to you, they can probably tell and won't want to hang out as much. If you find yourself thinking that a 5 minute interaction with another preschool-aged child shows you that yours is smarter or better or going to have a better paying and thus more important job then that's really unfair of you and I would work on changing that thinking because people pick up on it.
