Hello, I am new to the forum and need some help. I found this website from browsing.. I have a 2yr old, nearly 3 who i think may be gifted and up til now the internet has answered all my parenting questions, but now i am stuck. I need someone to talk to..
Although from 18 months old dd knew her abcs and all the letters sounds, no one seemed to notice as i was home with her all the time. Everyone i talked to about my surprise at her achievements, gave me the impression they thought i was drilling her..that confused me.. it couldn't be further from the truth (as i am sure you all know). As she turned 2 she was talking rings round me with why? and was full of questions. I was branching out as a new mom and getting very excited about all she could do and joined in with my friends and playground mams talking about how amazing our kids are, only to discover after i blurted too much that my little one was miles ahead of anyone else and i wasn't allowed say anything unless i wanted backs turned on me and to be left isolated. So sadly i've learned to shut my mouth. I had already said too much though as people who i thought were friends could only focus on the negative aspects of my child from then on, as if she and I needed grounding. The fact that she liked to be alone studying something or other for ages, including kids at a distance didn't help. They looked at her like she was odd. She is always tuned in to how people feel and told me she didn't like how any of the mammys on the playground looked at her (her own words @ 2.5), or any of the kids because they were too rough. She is super gentle and hates to see any form of roughness, including kung fu panda images or me killing a fly! but this is all turned into negative by anyone outside the family.. they say she needs more contact with kids to "learn kid behaviour". (personally i think she has already gone beyond it, but how do you say that?!!) I tried some one on one playgroups, but each time my little one was running rings around the other, in talking, memory, general realization/know-how etc. and i never had to say a word, the moms saw it straight away and they subtly got out of meeting up anymore.. they spent their time comparing anyway which was embarrassing, so maybe it was a good thing. But what do i do now?
Once she was called a drama queen which is what stings most. Its almost moms bullying my kid. She had bumped her head after another kid pushed her and she couldn't handle either thing and she just cried uncontrollably while shouting at me to just leave her, and then went to calm down at the top of the slide like an older kid would sort themselves out.. I know that she is very sensitive, but i have read it goes hand in hand with being gifted and am learning to help her deal with eg. when a bee gets squashed or theres a stone in her shoe, to which she will squeal about, because it hurts! I never dramatize any of these situations, its just in her. I'm sure someone out there will get it.. I've changed playgrounds to a point that i don't know where to go anymore. I have lost friends and am feeling alone..
Since she has been two i have never discussed her achievements with anyone because i can't, and she constantly hears other people going on about their kids.. As a result of me not talking about her she seemed to one day come to the conclusion of: 'i'm boring, i don't know anything'. This has been the final straw for me. I can't take it and don't know where to turn for reassurance that this isn't affecting her in a bad way.
Another thing, she looooves to talk to adults and they don't love to talk to her even if its about the planets or why we see shadows. No one likes a know it all i guess.. is what i tell myself when i see people scoff at her, instead of woah look what this 2yr old knows. She sees that people ignore her and i'm feeling so sad for her right now. i know things will change when she goes to school and will make friends herself, but til then i think i will go crazy by everyones cold shoulder. It hurts so bad and i am so afraid of the damage it is doing to her. What can i say when they put their hands over their ears when she screeches because the bridge at the playground is too wobbly and she thinks she will fall? What can i tell them when they scoff at her knowledge as if i've programmed her? I should be proud but all i feel is embarrassed because i don't know what to say, and she is picking up on it.
I'm feeling exhausted. I know no one will ever love my child like i do, but am i wrong to expect some recognition for her. She is a lovely kid. All the people i meet who either don't have kids or are past a certain age absolutely love and adore her so i'm not delusional. She has a small family around her and those other people work or are away all day and all i'm left to deal with are the playground or toddler group mums. Any suggestions on how to handle them and their rudeness? should i just hide at home praising her myself til school?

Hi, Smidge. Welcome! You're in the right place.

I'm so sorry you and your dd are experiencing such a painful response to your dd's sensitivities and abilities. I wish people would realize how damaging this kind of shunning behavior can be. Particularly when they try to "bring her down a peg" by focusing on the negative. Ugh.

I don't have any advice on how to deal with their rudeness. You can't make people not feel threatened by precociousness if they are. I would suggest trying, through this site or something similar, to find true peers for your dd whose parents can appreciate, understand, and not be threatened by the special challenges that come with parenting a child like her.

And you're right. Society is so odd in this way. Parents feel entitled to brag about their child as long as the child's accomplishments aren't *too* out of the ordinary. But there's this unspoken rule that we mustn't acknowledge or speak about the talents or abilities that are really out there--unless they happen to be athletic or musical. Anything but intelligence.

And sensitive children are not respected in our society either. My ds finds some peer behavior outrageous. He gets put out by cheating and lying. In his peer group of kids he's known since kindergarten, (and these kids are gifted as well) he's the one who's ostracized if he responds to the other kids' bad behavior. This double standard, the expectation that people not lie and cheat, but it's okay for his peers, baffles him. And the other parents? Time and again, it's easier for them to make ds the scapegoat than deal with their own children's bad behavior. It's easier for them to assume ds is too sensitive, too emotional, too righteous. Or often they take the attitude that boys will be boys. Whatever their conclusion, it doesn't seem to be that perhaps the others might have a lesson to learn on fairness or honesty.

Honestly, we have done better limiting time around kids and moms who are not supportive. My kid is an extrovert and when there is a good match I let him fly, but he picked up very early that he was different and negative people made a very strong impression.

Think about the behavior you are modeling. If you two are happy and blossoming at home, stick with it and if you find some nice kids at the library, pursue playdates. These kids tend to take one repetition to learn a fact when some other kids take thirty... If she thinks you are embarrassed by her learning, it will stick long before school starts...

You might think about something structured and safe like parent tot gymnastics. It is fantastic for developing confidence with the right coach.

Just my two cents...

What area of the country are you in? Maybe there are some activities or groups we can point you toward...

SAHM has great advice.

We were sort of reclusive when DD was little. I just couldn't bear to expose her to that kind of adult hostility-- she was definitely fully aware of it, and knew that it was directed at her.

It was terrifying for her, and not a little disconcerting for ME, for that matter.


Structured classes were good-- based around physical activities, though, NOT a blend of physical/cognitive/artistic, because-- well, that one is fairly obvious.

Library visits.

Lots of walks, play with outdoor toys, chalk, etc.

Awww. This was the hardest age for DS and me socially speaking and was when I showed up here too. It gets much easier. It did for us anyhow. Mainly through changing my expectations and keeping at things that showed any shred of promise.

We went regularly to a playgroup and I would spend most of my time trying to avoid DS "showing off", ie distracting him from going over to the books or changing the conversation topic, and without him knowing. When the playgroup came to my house I engineered the spread of toys to look "correct". I was so relieved when the winter platter of infectious illnesses effectively ended it.

It didn't help to try to find similar age children that shared his interests because their knowledge level was too different. Most playdates did not go well at 3 and even at 4.

But honestly he didn't need the playgroup to feel happy... I needed it, I didn't have much of a social life myself after becoming a SAHM, and really needed to meet people in my community. I was too attached to the possibility of it even beyond seeing the reality. The social connections for me happened very slowly and it ended up for me it was better to not only do things where DS was with me at the time -- for example volunteer here and there without him. It took 3 years for me to realize he just wasn't going to have a close same age friend in our community and let that go (beyond planning to move, LOL). I did find parents with either lots of kids or a disabled child of any age were far more likely to be good friend bets for me than parents with a singleton perfectly average child. Something about understanding the limits of their own power over their child's perfection. It sounds like some sort of reverse discrimination. The worst for us was parents of the excessively well groomed single child who from birth is being taught perfect manners: as a gross over-generalization the parents are invested in their child being perfect, about how their child appears to others, it keeps them up at night, they need to find inadequacies in others' children.

Our best bet socially when DS was 3 and 4 was college girl babysitters, the freshmen especially seemed to not have realized that pretend play could be considered immature, and were really energetic, they were nice to DS and appreciative of him being smart rather than feeling threatened. They loved to teach him things, he came home one day knowing the greek alphabet (sorority girl). He went to preschool part days too and that was good I think in terms of him managing in that environment, but he didn't interact much with the other kids or learn anything. At 4 he started a mixed age preschool where he was the youngest and that went better socially but was still very dependent on the particular kids.

DS now has a few interest based classes and clubs he goes to that have older kids and that's where I see him light up with social interest, suddenly completely engaged with another child. At 3 though he couldn't make it through those things without crying or otherwise being a disturbance, asking questions out of turn etc ... we tried.

We're making some effort to give DS cultural commonality. He's different enough as it is. Plus he has too many driven interests to ever turn into a TV zombie. We've done beginning soccer at 4, T ball, despite his lack of interest in all things ballish. I keep an eye out for movies to go to, try to think ahead what computer games his older friends might know about, books they would have read, etc. So that there's some common background, so he gets references and can make them himself.

Anyways, some of that is a long way off, I'm getting too far ahead. Hang in there! Look for interest based activities like library story or craft times (and check libraries further away, the closest may not be the best). Just because it says for 4 and 5 year olds doesn't mean you can't just show up, there are usually a younger sibling or two in attendance anyhow.

Polly: It is isolating to be gifted. The more sensitive the person, then the more it is necessary to have a home that is a haven. Gifted people care deeply about society, but have to self-regulate their interactions because they pick up everything that is going on with everyone and it can be sensory overload. Gifted people generally are independent, so the isolation factor fits that profile, too, because they have an endless list of subjects that they want to pursue, so they are always busy with their own projects. Everything you described is normal for a gifted child. You have to view advice for parents of average IQ children as not necessarily suited for your child's development. We go to the the playground that is least occupied or go to popular playgrounds at off-hours. If you yourself are gifted and a high-sensitivity person, then you are likely super-sensitive to your child's interaction with the other children; that is normal for us. Once, you are comfortable with being perhaps in a smaller group intellectually, you can relax and pursue your child's interests with them while they are young. Gifted people can be very self-motivated and driven from within; they are going somewhere in their life and once they are adults, they might not have as much time for family. Not because they don't care, but because they care very much about the work that they can accomplish.

One thing I have noticed that you might bear in mind. As the parent of gifted child you are likely gifted yourself. You may therefore have over sensitivities yourself. While many people may be behaving badly there may also be occasions where they are simply being thoughtless or you are misinterpreting. I know I have tendancy to overthink throwaway comments that were in fact meaningless. The example I am thinking of is the person putting their hands over their ears - maybe they are over sensitive to noise or had earache? Children squealing are very loud and I have done this myself and it was not a comment on either the child or the parent (often it is my own child after all).

hi Smidge!

i'm pretty new here, too, but have you ever come to the right place! everyone here is so wise and helpful.

like you, we've had problems with the dirty looks and the cold-shoulders right from Day One. well, Day Two, i suppose, when DD rolled over for the first time. most recently, i believe i've lost my best friend of 35 years when she simply couldn't understand the problems we've had this year - and flatly refused to believe that anything i might be saying could be true. i feel so very far away from her right now.

i guess that's the long way around, but i wanted to say i really feel for you.


we did 2 things for this problem:

1) we got DD out on public transit all the time - i'm not sure if that will work in your area, but the innately low-stakes nature of interacting with strangers seemed to work well for everyone. DD loved talking to new people about whatever was on her mind at the time, and it seemed that if the adults literally never had to see her again, the conversations weren't constantly ruined by comparisons. over time, she did make a few "bus friends" - who were largely elderly folks who genuinely thought she was neat.

2) we took DD to the places where her interests would be served, and let her ask her questions to the adults in charge. science centres, museums, hospitals, the vet even showed her the OR and let her handle and "set up" a whole bunch of surgical equipment last year. we're planning a trip to a medical research facility for the fall - i don't *think* they usually do tours for 5 y/olds... but it's amazing what happens when you ask!

i've found that many adults are totally charmed by a kid who is fascinated by what they do - they'll often let you do things you'd never dream possible. we had a radiologist swipe some old x-rays and give them to her - they redacted the names with a sharpie together and had a great talk about medical confidentiality.

oh! and the other thing i did was cultivate some "younger" friends - kids (to me) in their mid-20s who were kind of adults, but not quite parental-figures. since they had no kids of their own... they could just enjoy DD and all her weirdness. eventually, she'd go on sleepovers with them and away for camping trips - they always had a blast and they truly loved how articulate and fun DD was. now that they're a bit older, we're not seeing as much of them, but it was a terrific bridge during that awkward 1-4 yr period.

so welcome to the board - it's really, really good here. i can't wait to hear more about your little bean!

It's sad that you are going through this, and it's sadder for your daughter. I can never understand how anyone can be cruel to a child- no matter the reason.

I haven't had negative experiences with friends and family, luckily. Mind you, my friends are wonderful, and my family don't have their own kids and my husband has no family. No opportunity for jealousy. However, I just had to comment that I feel it is so important to show your daughter that being gifted isn't a bad thing! I know it is hard, but you need to be strong and defend her- just like you would for anything else.

These "friends" are just jealous. If they were real friends, or even just nice human beings, they would be happy for your daughter. I would be less open about giftedness with strangers, but I wouldn't go out of my way to hide the fact that your daughter is gifted. To do so will give the impression that it is a shameful thing to be.

There should especially be no shame with your friends, and if they don't like it then they can go away. While I talk openly about my boys to friends, I don't go overboard. The best thing, I have found, is having a friend who also has a gifted child. Just one has been enough for my eldest, but it has also been enough for me to have someone to talk to about...gifted things. Otherwise, just let your daughter hang out with you and your friends that don't have kids.

I never tell friends what my child does or doesn't know, nor to do I get out the letters or books or puzzles when they are around to try to get her to show them in what ways she is advanced. She doesn't need the praise, it's not very interesting for other adults to hear about, and her praise isn't my praise.


I usually just let the other parents know I realize my child isn't very interested in playing with other kids yet, try to give my child and the other child a lot of attention, try to praise the other child's physical, mental or social skills to the mother so that they see I'm interested in them and not just focusing on my own child, even if my child is completely ignoring everyone except me. If a mom tells me her child can do X and in my head I know my child can do 2X, I look at the child and say "Wow, you can do X?! That's so cool!" and then move on. I do not engage in comparing. It's natural for other parents to ask questions because they want to know what is normal but just because they are telling you something their child did doesn't mean they are asking you what your child did. I've learned not to allow myself to get any self-esteem boost from talking about what my child has done - it's not my accomplishment, neither she nor I need to tell everyone ever my child's grandparents don't even hear the things that most impress me.


I'm sorry. It sounds like maybe the other mother was embarrassed because her child hurt yours and your child was acting upset. What I do when this happens and another parent is looking at me with concern, is explain to the other parent that my child is fine, she was just scared and needs a hug (or in your case, maybe just needs some time alone). That way the other parent knows I'm not mad that their child pushed mine. I understand that they are kids.


I think when you stay in a group for longer there won't be the constant discussions about what the kids are doing. That sort of thing gets old pretty fast.


Can you talk about her without talking about accomplishments? Like, we went ___ and she liked ____. Tell them about the ____, DD. Could you talk about what she is doing at that moment "Look at the tower DD is making, pretty cool!" Or if you just want to give her some praise to overhead, can you talk about accomplishments that aren't related to academics - "DD helped me clean her room today and put away all of her toys". "I said my nose itched and she scratched it for me, she is so kind." Or let her overhear praise in front of your husband or relatives? I think you can fill up her need for this, if there is one, and it doesn't have to be done in front of other parents.


I think it's really normal for adults to think other people's children are annoying to talk to. I wouldn't read too much into this.


You can apologize quietly to the person covering her ears, and then whisper to your child to look, that was hurting someone's ears. That made him cover his ears. Maybe make a game out of trying to scream quietly and get her giggling if you can. The main thing is just showing others around that you do acknowledge them, even if you can't always control your young child.


I've been a little embarrassed by child's social behavior sometimes but often I just ask the other parent (not where my child can hear), what they recommend. In your case I might say "She hasn't learned how to talk about what other people are interested in yet, or how to tell if she is boring someone. She thinks that if she's interested in something, everyone else is interested too. She's only 2 so I don't know how to teach her that skill yet. What would you do?" I think often people just want to know that you see there's an issue. For my child the big one is that sometimes she cries in groups - so I just explain she gets stressed when she's new in a group but that she should calm down soon and I'm not sure what else I should be doing but leave it open for them to give me suggestions. They usually go from concerned looks that hurt my feelings to compassionate understanding looks instantly if we have that exchange.


Do you want it for her or for you? I could be wrong but I think you can probably fill up her need for attention and praise before you even get to the playground.


I think the main thing I do is treat interactions with people as though they are mind-readers, and try to adjust my thinking/making it more reasonable so they don't read my ruder thoughts.

What I mean by that is this:

Say another child's mom proudly tells me that her child recognizes many letters and sings the ABC song. In my head I could think, that's great but my child recognizes lots of words and has for a long time.

What I don't think is "My child is smarter than yours" - Early reading is not an IQ test. Academic knowledge is not an IQ test. Her child might have the higher IQ and even if my child had a higher IQ, my child might grow up and struggle to keep a full-time job. There's nothing predictive about whose kid knows about letters, planets or dinosaurs first. Also, girls are often are very advanced in terms of language compared to boys the same age. Being a year or more ahead is not at all uncommon.

What I don't think is "If you knew my child knows some things your child doesn't know, you'd be jealous because my child is smarter." - First, we don't know who is smarter. Second, the other mom probably wouldn't care, she'd just wonder why I was trying to one up her instead of just saying something positive in response to her story about her child singing the ABCs. A more appropriate response would have been to enthusiastically ask to hear the ABC song.

What I do think is "She is very proud of her child, it's fun for parents to see them learning new things, I want this to be a positive interaction for her. What can I say to make this a positive interaction?"

I think people can read non-verbal cues like reading minds and if you are thinking something negative about what they say to you, they can probably tell and won't want to hang out as much. If you find yourself thinking that a 5 minute interaction with another preschool-aged child shows you that yours is smarter or better or going to have a better paying and thus more important job then that's really unfair of you and I would work on changing that thinking because people pick up on it.

My daughter begged for her x-rays when she fell down the stairs! She was kind of upset because they promised her CT scan photos, but they didn't print well, so she couldn't see "the inside of her eyeballs". The doctors were all so impressed with her, they explained every little detail to her. Until they checked her chart, they actually thought she was 5 (she would be 3 in a month).

I'm saddened to hear that people treat a child that way, I know back in my days as a little one, I had similar issues. My family believed in the "seen not heard" method of child rearing, and when I would get excited about an adult conversation and add anything to it, I was told to leave the room.

We've been very lucky with our little girl because she's very social, she has kind of adapted to "formal behavior" around non-familial adults and her insights and comments tend to be appreciated as "cute". We're also lucky, in that, we have a large group of friends who were all considered gifted as children too, who have incredibly impressive kids of their own, so we all can appreciate what our children are going through/need (usually).

All I can give as advice is to compliment your child and make her feel good in her own eyes. Try to see if there are local gifted groups where you can connect with parents that get it.

With the drama issues, try explaining things to her - show her why she won't fall off the bridge, show her the chains and the stability structures that keep it up, break out the engineering books if you have to, just give her a reason to not be frightened. I know my daughter loves the WHY and the HOW, and fears have been a great way to address a lot of those things.

We use fear as a reason for research - scared of spiders? Look up the kind of spider you see and show her it isn't poisonous. Afraid of the slide? Talk about gravity and slopes and friction, most of the kids I know are very excited to try new things once it's become an experiment or they gain a new understanding of it.

Our other approach is to make an adventure out of everything - we used to make up stories when she was small that we'd play along in. When she was 2, I came into her room and she was sitting on her bed pulling up stuffed animals off her floor saying "I'll save you, hold on!". When I asked what was happening, she informed me that she was on a raft in a river full of crocodiles trying to eat her friends and she had to hurry to save them.

Interestingly, this solved another problem - she was afraid of falling out of bed up to that point (the crocodiles were her own mental concoction to deal with the fear), the day she started saving her friends was the day she decided that falling out of bed was no longer scary. It's all about being creative and finding what works for your kid It's even better if they think it's their idea!

I hope that's helpful!

That is just plain awesomely good advice-- advice so good that it could probably be applied well... all the time. With everyone.

It's exactly what I try to do when I'm acting as an advocate for my child-- or myself. I try to seem reasonable and understanding even in my inner thoughts. It truly works.

The advice and insights provided by motherof toddler are absolutely perfect. Fabulous advice! Print it out, read it commit it to memory, have it as a resource.

I agreed with much of what you said prior to the recommendation to visit library story time. That was a disaster for me and DS when he was three. He refused to sit and listen and instead wandered the room wanting to touch the fire extinguisher, the CD player, etc. In retrospect, I think the reason for this was that the storyteller wouldn't let DS see the book up close enough so he could follow the words as she read. She kept telling him to sit back down. (DS had started to read easy readers on his own at that time, so of course he wanted to follow along!)

When it came to "share time", he insisted on bringing his compass. He explained exactly what it did and pointed out the needle was facing North. (The correct direction at that time.)

The other mothers bit their tongues and avoided any interaction with us. I went several times hoping something would change, but sadly had to leave partway through more than a few stories because DS was "disruptive".

Having a gifted child is isolating, period. School didn't help us much. DS cried that the kids didn't understand him and his teacher reprimanded him for his perfectionist-driven crying over his performance. She also reprimanded US-implying we were pushing him at home!

I tried to connect with other parents of gifted children in my community through our local online chat, but found no one interested. Maybe you'd have better luck.

Agree with Ametrine that story time was and is hard for us for the same reasons. We mainly just go and read books or play with the toys at the library. We still buy a lot of books, but we check out many many more... The library is a nice haven for us when it isn't busy.

hello again! Sorry it has taken me so long to reply! I have been reading and just working on turning my schedule on its head It has done me some good! I just want to say first, thank you all for your replies and just helping me feel like i am not alone..

The library visit idea is great, its something we do already! However i don't meet many mams there as we seem to be the only two that come in and sit and read for hours. We will keep going though! you never know who might show up!
Thanks SAHM for the gymnastic class idea. I had done a class when DD was 20months, but didn't rejoin. DD was the only one in the group who sat listening intently and joining in. Then one day the teacher, as if to make the other mams feel better said, 'Don't worry coz that's (pointing to my compliant child) not normal!' ..to which DD who was sitting in my lap looked back at me with puppy eyes and from then on explained everything in terms of being 'normal'. Thank god that phase has ended.. So maybe its time to try again somewhere else since its probably more likely that 3yr olds will be a bit more focused now like DD.

Thanks Portia, i am definitely limiting our time with negative moms from now on. I am watching out for off peak times at the big playground and I brought my DD to visit a farm this week too where we picked some fruit! She loved it! i was feeling so guilty about doing so much one on one with her, worrying that it was my fault she acted so mature and couldn't understand kids. But from what you all seem to say, i guess its ok in the first few years.

Haha! polly i do that too! i hide all the 100piece jigsaw puzzles and the colouring books that she has so percisely coloured in The read it yourself books have been commented on and i have pretended they were given to her by cousins terrible.. i don't think that trying to hide her is a good thing though, coz the truth always comes out. One day she visited a house with me where the older child had a vtech computer. She sat in the corner and played with it til she figured it out! I was asked if she has one at home and i said "no" and one mother just couldn't drop it for the whole visit that i must be lying! awkward!

Also polly, thanks you hit the nail on the head when it comes to being a SAHM. Perhaps its important for me to have some seperate friends and maybe pursue some spare time. So i looked into a playgroup i found online this week outside my area. Its only a small group, two days a week, where the teachers monitor closely, so i think its perfect! I hope this will start to give her the exposure she needs, plus some praise from a teacher without my input. I told them nothing of her abilities when i applied, they can see for themselves and hopefully advise me further on what else i can do with her! Now i can look for some friends separately in my spare time and not be so focused on DD and getting all sensitive about it!

@wesupportgifted, i hope DD has that haven already, it was just the interaction with peers that i thought she was lacking. I was feeling guilty that i am giving her problems by keeping her at home. I've been told by my parents that i am most likely gifted, info i only found out after having DD and being surprised at all she could do! They then told me i was exactly the same.. I cried when i read gifted websites and gave myself clarity that i wasn't alone all those years, but just thought differently. It has given me a new confidence in my life..that different is good, and that i've an excuse for my social failures! However, where i missed out, i am hoping to help my DD so that she won't be so isolated from the outset with just a mom and me situation. Maybe me and DD need a fresh path and some time apart..maybe even some babysitters

However i disagree that gifted people care less about family. Its no.1 on my ladder right now. My family IS my work and my motivation! I care so much about raising my DD to love life and have the morals i grew up with. I don't find being a SAHM a stop in my accomplishments. My DD is my greatest gift. No amount of money can compensate for me what she gives me, and i hope what i give her. She is all i have for now and my goal is to see her safely to school. I just want the best for her. But maybe its becoming overbearing and she needs playschool now.. But despite the regular chores, the freedom and enjoyment and diversity of raising a child rules out the monotonous chore of a 9-5 job for me. Its not that i am disheartened about being a mom, if thats what you were thinking, but more disheartened by the attitude of others towards what i love most in this world.

Thanks puffin, they are good points.. i tend to be sensitive too alright, but i don't think i am imagining it. I think kids are kids and despite countless kids pushing and shoving and even at times hitting (most have that phase i know) my DD, i reassure the mam not to worry, i understand. So therefore when it comes to my own child, i don't understand why they can't show any compassion for the way she is and the phases she is going through. To top it, its not like they should hate her playing with their children because she has never EVER, since she was a tot, raised a hand or foot at anyone. All she has done 'wrong' is be too mature for her peers.

Maybe i'm drifting off point, but @doubtfulguest, i would looove if my DD would open up a bit to people. Thats another issue. Maybe its a result of her playground experience, but if someone on public transport talks to her or if someone walking by us says hello to me and smiles to her, she gives them the biggest frown EVER! She tells people they are strangers and that she can't talk to them and will run and hide behind me. Sometimes it makes people tease her and peek around me at her and a tantrum erupts. Don't have a clue where to take that problem except wait it out??!!
To help with being in public, as i said above, i took her to a farm recently and am making plans for more museum visits now! I know she will love that! She was at a museum a while ago and loved it, but upstairs the crowd was bigger and we had to leave! Still exposure is probably the way to go right? why did i not think of making these things more regular?!! I think i just fell in a hole recently! thanks again everyone for pulling me out!

MotherofToddler; her praise isn't my praise either, but i find her abilities stump a conversation when they are brought to light by her actions or words. The comments are jealous in reply and the attitude to DD is horrible at times. Yes i too am looking for friends, i admit that, but i want to be myself with my friends and let DD be herself too. A smile and "well done!" or "really? woah!" doesn't take much to make her smile and go about her business again and then adult conversation could resume. Thats what i am looking for and haven't found it. Am i looking for the unimaginable? It was only in the early days that i blurted too much about dds abilities, and i only talked about them because everyone else was telling what their LO learned the day before too! I know better now.
I do give the other kids attention which is what back fired that time i mentioned when she told me she can't do anything. She saw me praising kids for whatever, and then their parents praising them. Then when she accomplished something, like one time it was tying her shoelaces while sitting on the tarmac beside us adults chatting; only i told her excellent, well done, the others just stared without compliment! she started shouting "don't stare its rude!" and undid her lace.. but i had to tell her quietly not to shout like that at people..she ran off embarrassed, so praise for shoe tied is lost.. many similar situations..
I tried your conversation starter ideas with the family thanks! they work great!! helps her join in with the adults which she loves!
Haha! actually yes i tried pointing out that screaming makes people cover their ears and here is what has been going on since. A baby or toddler is crying on the bus (the most embarrassing occasion, no escape! it happened around town too) and she claps her hands over her ears and shouts, "that baby is too loud, she is hurting my ears and probably everyone elses!". A VEEEERY embarrassed mammy tries to console her baby in the pram..obviously feeling inadequate and looking close to tears..to which a VEEERY embarrassed me tells dd to stop that and I apologize to the mammy. I am now telling DD quietly that when someone covers their ears, they are being very rude and insensitive and to ignore them! The words she chose to express its meaning are perfect, but we don't say that in society, so therefore we shouldn't do the actions either. Its hurtful.

Also no, not recognition for me. I'm sure. its not recognition for her abilities i'm talking of, its recognition of her as a person..not to be ignored, because she picks up on it, which in turn i suppose has to do with her abilities in a way. All kids want praise and to be acknowledged by people they look up to and they do that by doing good things and showing us what they can do. If you read my stories about her, you will see how the comments and looks and cold shoulders are hurting her..or maybe i'm not portraying it right.. You see the things an adult is surprised at, is not average 2yr old stuff, but she doesn't get that. She doesn't know what is "advanced" and that most people will feel jealous if she can do something their kid can't.. Plus 9/10 don't comment on anything she does.. advanced or not. And when someone says woah you can count to 3 to another child she wonders why people don't say well done when she counts 3 buckets and smiles to them ..shes ignored, but its because they know she counts past 20 as shes done that in front of them too! but again she doesn't get that!! so its the hurt for her that i am feeling. They could either acknowledge the little stuff or even the big stuff. anything! Also lately praise from me doesn't seem to matter to her as much, shes looking for it elsewhere..thats why i looked into the playgroup.. is that common?
You may be right about the non-verbal cues, but we never had 5min interactions where i thought my kid was smarter. They were several meet ups and things the other mom kept comparing about over time.. It was their thinking, not mine. If i saw things i never said it, but they blatantly said it out to me, pointing out milestones my dd had reached that i never even knew about. At times i was even hiding dds capabilities to try make friends, but something always gave and they thought me bad for playing her capabilities down. Have you seriously just mentioned future jobs? I haven't quite got to school years yet! haha! Thats not my attitude, i think you have me wrong..

KellyA that is soooo WEIRD!!! you gave me goosebumps reading that! my dd plays the EXACT same game as your LO! the bed is a boat and there is a crocodile in the water and shes rescuing her teddies! Thats so cute!! Also we use google for everything too.. including a lot of questions i can't answer like "what are bones made of?"!! but to help her face fears, thats brilliant! I will have to do that

Ok i'm cutting a bit short i know, but i've been too long here at the laptop! Thank you all so much and sorry if i've skipped over things, but i have read everything and i'm grateful! It was nice to be introduced to you all!

Hey Smidge,

Methinks you have come to the right place. After having been on the receiving end of various comments ranging from disbelief to fear and to criticisms of hot-housing ('cause of course I must have tied my hot-headed 12 month old to his high chair and force-fed flashcards to him 'til he got his alphabet DOWN baby ), I just decided to save my stories of pride, joy and apprehension for this forum and close family members or friends should they ask. With time, I realized that as long as you have a small number of people in the know, that is all you need. For the rest, either you try to live with the fact that you can't share certain things with them and talk about other things or just spend less or no time with them (easier said than done but it is possible, because in the end what is more important, fair-weather friendships or your child's well-being?).

Maybe try to communicate more with your daughter about how she feels and what she wishes. If she wants to go to the playground, maybe tell her that in playgrounds, kids can be rough but it's usually not personal. Give her time to explore her environment with you on the bench until she is ready to go explore. Anything to help alleviate her anxiety to help avoid isolation. And read a lot about how to deal with overexcitabilities in gifted children. It helped us a lot with dealing with our easily frustrated and sensitive (yet terrific) tyke...
Also is there a gifted kids association in your town/county, maybe they can help with suggestions?

And last but not least, know that you are not alone. Welcome!

time and exposure will definitely help! my bean was the world's shyest at first and then over time it got better. the strangers would sometimes only make eye contact with her and smile - or talk to my husband (who was with her most often on the way home from work/montessori) about her. they would totally freak out over her vocabulary and clarity - and then they would want to engage her. at first, she really wouldn't respond - the frown-face is totally familiar over here, too!

but we'd try to emphasize that it's natural for people to be interested in interesting conversations, and sometimes some of them might want to join in. over time it really improved. she's still a bit shy, especially when she feels someone is really singling her out, but it's loads better.

we have definitely talked with DD about the difference between a kindly stranger and someone asking a lot of personal questions, or conversations that might occur without her parents present - i'm trying to remember, but i think we might have talked about this as early as 1.5? i think it was when we knew she'd be on the transit every day - i know we didn't want her to feel unsafe with so many people around, many of whom might suddenly say "hello!"

the kindness of strangers really helped us, as parents, not feel so quite so isolated, too. though, truth be told... nothing beats this place for not feeling so crazy anymore!

It sounds like your child needs a lot of attention to be "full". What I'd recommend is focusing more on detailed observations as conversation starters and less on praise.

If she is playing with blocks, you can notice "I see you are building a castle and using yellow triangles for the top. Who lives in your castle?" If she is climbing on monkey bars "You made it to the second monkey bar, strong DD! Do you think you can make it all the way to the 5th monkey bar?", if she is digging a hold in the sand "That hole is so big you could fit both of your feet in it. What are you making?" if she is painting a picture "I see you painted a cat and a dog. Is that our cat?"

You can fill the same need for attention without praise, especially if you focus on giving frequent detailed observations several times an hour that encourage a positive interaction between each of you. This works with other people's children at playdates too. Make an observation, ask a question, repeat. So much better than praise! They don't need to hear that they are smart and perfect, they need to see they are worth paying attention to.

I gave the outrageous example about future jobs just to point out that we need to be aware of what value we put into our child's achievements and think about whether it's reasonable. My child can count past 20 too but I don't really think about it at playdates. She's counted in front of other adults, they don't make a big deal out of it, I smile and we move on and I don't really think about it after that. What do YOU think it means when one child counts higher than another child? Because I don't think it means much in the grand scheme of things but if you think it means some significant, that's what's going to annoy other parents, whether you say it or not. That could be why they avoid bringing attention to it when she does it in front of them. I don't know what value you put on these skills, that's why I ask.

I think MotherofToddler offers terrific advice on communication that shows interest without praise. There is a time for praise, but it doesn't have to come with every accomplishment. The value that I'd highlight is in the initiative, the curiosity, and the perseverance that leads to those achievements. By highlighting something your DD is doing, you are singling her out in the group as a somebody worthy of attention. That's huge!

For instance, when my son was proudly showing me his paintings today, I said these things:
- You sure seem to like painting!
- I see you chose to use many colors in this picture, and you mixed many of them by yourself. How did you make orange?
- The stippling is really eye-catching.
- I love painting with you.
- Which painting would you like to hang on the wall? (We display his artwork in frames with our "real" art. I think that is a good way to communicate that his work is important.)

I get the sense from your posts that, like near us, parents are in the habit of over-praising. It can be jarring to be the only child within earshot not acknowledged. That being said, I'm not convinced that constant praise will be of service to these children. It may lead to perfectionism, reduced intrinsic motivation, and lower self-efficacy.

Frankly, I think your daughter will be better off psychologically than her peers for her lack of over-praise. I actually consciously try to avoid people who fawn over my son (20 mos) for the reasons I listed.

Thanks Max'sMom, Do you have any suggested reading list for gifted kids? there is nothing is my area for gifted kids so it will be mostly info from the internet and praying that we will find some good peers when school starts.

I hope then i am doing the right things by her.. Thats one issue i always think of.. how do I encourage her to say hello, but not to eventually blurt out all our business?!! hoping she will automatically find the balance!! Its so hard to teach politeness yet fear of strangers and the wrong people.

When it comes to attention, my DD is like this: she will play for long periods of time alone, then she comes for cuddles and wants me to play or do something with her. As long as she has had some together time, she will happily go off again. If during that time i comment on something she does eg: The colors you chose are great, or are you enjoying that? or what are you making? she will generally find an excuse to put herself down..I try to differ that i think she has done a great job, but that soon becomes an aruement to which I say I can have an opinion, but she will generally huff if i pursue those ideas and stop the activity. A half year ago or so we went through a phase of whenever i said well done she had a tantrum. She would tell me it wasn't well done, that she could have done it better by "fill in long explanation". I have tried approaching her different, and have noticed if we are in front of others she will smile if i say great! but at home she will tell me the green she mixed wasn't the shade she wanted, or that shes not enjoying it because she can't get a certain thing to go right. I don't comment much lately.. We seem to get on with our own stuff.. A bad thing maybe?
But outside is a different story. Its like she is copying the other kids and wants the praise for what they are praised for. She changes, tries to fit in maybe?! Maybe its her way of trying to get in with the crowd. She is generally very shy, and watches other kids at a distance and i see her laughing about what they do. At some later point then she will "try it out" in front of the other moms to see if she gets the same reaction. eg. with the counting. She copies their actions straight after and looks for approval from them. I don't matter.. But thats just randomly. Its not the whole time that we are on the playground.
@motheroftoddler: If one kid counted to 10 or 20 or whatever and smiled at me i would at least smile. Its not about whats important to us, it's what is important to the kid. They feel an achievement, i wouldn't blank them. I am hoping that the lack of over praise in that case may be a good thing aquinas.

It sounds like she is trying out her socialization skills and trying to figure out what works in your social circles. In this house, we compliment effort and we highly compliment practice. When my husband or I make a mistake, we smile and say we just need more practice. For a kid who almost always gets things on the first try, it is nice to emphasize practice as a way to get even better. Even professional athletes practice... We emphasize that especially professionals practice...

People often criticize themselves to fish for complements. Does she see this modeled by anyone? If I were in your shoes and she criticized something she did, I would probably tell her that I think it is wonderful but that if she is unhappy with it that with practice, it will get even better.

Hey Smidge,

Try this link, there are reading suggestions and some free info...http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/sensitivity.htm
Have a wonderful day

The best thing we ever did was join a homeschool co-op that catered to gifted kids. We honestly don't hang out with people (besides my parents) very often, but when we do, it's with these families with gifted kids.

The other moms just smile and say how cute she is. They wouldn't feel threatened or act judgmental if my 2 year old sounded out words or did complex jigsaw puzzles in front of them. In fact, they'd be like "Oh, wait 'til she does this next milestone." They totally get it. And they get me, too, because they are smart quirky mamas. I can also be myself.

The main problem is that they live a decent drive from us and I think we need to find some closer kids to hang out with. DD is starting to seem like she would really enjoy some time with other kids. Older girls at the playground ignore her-- some are even nasty to her (these are just random local kids we don't know.)

Preschool wouldn't work-- they're very strict about age. We tried it for two weeks and they put her in the two year old room, which she'd still be in this year. The teacher had the classroom set up perfectly for 2 year olds. DD has hit most of the 44-48 month milestones, but she's still a two year old emotionally. She cried when I left her and I probably won't send her back.

My best tip is hunt around online and try to find groups near you with smart kids. My local natural parenting / breastfeeding groups seem to have a higher-than-average number of smart mamas with gifted children. Since many of the other children are advanced, no one's going to judge or be nasty.

Thanks SAHM, I've started to point out to DD when i am trying something new and she is taking notice! i show her things that don't work too.. eg i burnt the rice
And here's the funny thing, I also simply told her that she can say thanks if i compliment her. Why the hell didn't i do that sooner?!! Someone told her the other day her dress was pretty (usually that brings on a pout!!), but she actually said thank you to them! haha! success!! It hasn't solved every problem, but hey, one step at a time
Thanks for the link max's mom.
@Islandofapples, thanks for the advice too! Its so hard to find stuff online, then suddenly things just pop out of nowhere! turns out there IS a gifted preschool in the next town!! Only thing is, its a bit pricey. Its a bit late though, because DD actually starts her new playgroup soon, which is nearby. She is enrolled so i will just see how that goes. Maybe she will have a good experience! Like you i will probably take her out though if shes crying about it and doesn't like it.

Wonderful! Congratulations. I love it when sometimes the best fix is something simple like learning the to just say thank you. :-). Sometimes I miss things like that because with the asynchronous behavior I forget that I never taught my son something and once it clicks I wonder how I missed it because he is only X years old...