Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school please help

My daughter begged for her x-rays when she fell down the stairs! She was kind of upset because they promised her CT scan photos, but they didn't print well, so she couldn't see "the inside of her eyeballs". The doctors were all so impressed with her, they explained every little detail to her. Until they checked her chart, they actually thought she was 5 (she would be 3 in a month).

I'm saddened to hear that people treat a child that way, I know back in my days as a little one, I had similar issues. My family believed in the "seen not heard" method of child rearing, and when I would get excited about an adult conversation and add anything to it, I was told to leave the room.

We've been very lucky with our little girl because she's very social, she has kind of adapted to "formal behavior" around non-familial adults and her insights and comments tend to be appreciated as "cute". We're also lucky, in that, we have a large group of friends who were all considered gifted as children too, who have incredibly impressive kids of their own, so we all can appreciate what our children are going through/need (usually).

All I can give as advice is to compliment your child and make her feel good in her own eyes. Try to see if there are local gifted groups where you can connect with parents that get it.

With the drama issues, try explaining things to her - show her why she won't fall off the bridge, show her the chains and the stability structures that keep it up, break out the engineering books if you have to, just give her a reason to not be frightened. I know my daughter loves the WHY and the HOW, and fears have been a great way to address a lot of those things.

We use fear as a reason for research - scared of spiders? Look up the kind of spider you see and show her it isn't poisonous. Afraid of the slide? Talk about gravity and slopes and friction, most of the kids I know are very excited to try new things once it's become an experiment or they gain a new understanding of it.

Our other approach is to make an adventure out of everything - we used to make up stories when she was small that we'd play along in. When she was 2, I came into her room and she was sitting on her bed pulling up stuffed animals off her floor saying "I'll save you, hold on!". When I asked what was happening, she informed me that she was on a raft in a river full of crocodiles trying to eat her friends and she had to hurry to save them.

Interestingly, this solved another problem - she was afraid of falling out of bed up to that point (the crocodiles were her own mental concoction to deal with the fear), the day she started saving her friends was the day she decided that falling out of bed was no longer scary. It's all about being creative and finding what works for your kid It's even better if they think it's their idea!

I hope that's helpful!

That is just plain awesomely good advice-- advice so good that it could probably be applied well... all the time. With everyone.

It's exactly what I try to do when I'm acting as an advocate for my child-- or myself. I try to seem reasonable and understanding even in my inner thoughts. It truly works.

The advice and insights provided by motherof toddler are absolutely perfect. Fabulous advice! Print it out, read it commit it to memory, have it as a resource.

I agreed with much of what you said prior to the recommendation to visit library story time. That was a disaster for me and DS when he was three. He refused to sit and listen and instead wandered the room wanting to touch the fire extinguisher, the CD player, etc. In retrospect, I think the reason for this was that the storyteller wouldn't let DS see the book up close enough so he could follow the words as she read. She kept telling him to sit back down. (DS had started to read easy readers on his own at that time, so of course he wanted to follow along!)

When it came to "share time", he insisted on bringing his compass. He explained exactly what it did and pointed out the needle was facing North. (The correct direction at that time.)

The other mothers bit their tongues and avoided any interaction with us. I went several times hoping something would change, but sadly had to leave partway through more than a few stories because DS was "disruptive".

Having a gifted child is isolating, period. School didn't help us much. DS cried that the kids didn't understand him and his teacher reprimanded him for his perfectionist-driven crying over his performance. She also reprimanded US-implying we were pushing him at home!

I tried to connect with other parents of gifted children in my community through our local online chat, but found no one interested. Maybe you'd have better luck.

Agree with Ametrine that story time was and is hard for us for the same reasons. We mainly just go and read books or play with the toys at the library. We still buy a lot of books, but we check out many many more... The library is a nice haven for us when it isn't busy.

hello again! Sorry it has taken me so long to reply! I have been reading and just working on turning my schedule on its head It has done me some good! I just want to say first, thank you all for your replies and just helping me feel like i am not alone..

The library visit idea is great, its something we do already! However i don't meet many mams there as we seem to be the only two that come in and sit and read for hours. We will keep going though! you never know who might show up!
Thanks SAHM for the gymnastic class idea. I had done a class when DD was 20months, but didn't rejoin. DD was the only one in the group who sat listening intently and joining in. Then one day the teacher, as if to make the other mams feel better said, 'Don't worry coz that's (pointing to my compliant child) not normal!' ..to which DD who was sitting in my lap looked back at me with puppy eyes and from then on explained everything in terms of being 'normal'. Thank god that phase has ended.. So maybe its time to try again somewhere else since its probably more likely that 3yr olds will be a bit more focused now like DD.

Thanks Portia, i am definitely limiting our time with negative moms from now on. I am watching out for off peak times at the big playground and I brought my DD to visit a farm this week too where we picked some fruit! She loved it! i was feeling so guilty about doing so much one on one with her, worrying that it was my fault she acted so mature and couldn't understand kids. But from what you all seem to say, i guess its ok in the first few years.

Haha! polly i do that too! i hide all the 100piece jigsaw puzzles and the colouring books that she has so percisely coloured in The read it yourself books have been commented on and i have pretended they were given to her by cousins terrible.. i don't think that trying to hide her is a good thing though, coz the truth always comes out. One day she visited a house with me where the older child had a vtech computer. She sat in the corner and played with it til she figured it out! I was asked if she has one at home and i said "no" and one mother just couldn't drop it for the whole visit that i must be lying! awkward!

Also polly, thanks you hit the nail on the head when it comes to being a SAHM. Perhaps its important for me to have some seperate friends and maybe pursue some spare time. So i looked into a playgroup i found online this week outside my area. Its only a small group, two days a week, where the teachers monitor closely, so i think its perfect! I hope this will start to give her the exposure she needs, plus some praise from a teacher without my input. I told them nothing of her abilities when i applied, they can see for themselves and hopefully advise me further on what else i can do with her! Now i can look for some friends separately in my spare time and not be so focused on DD and getting all sensitive about it!

@wesupportgifted, i hope DD has that haven already, it was just the interaction with peers that i thought she was lacking. I was feeling guilty that i am giving her problems by keeping her at home. I've been told by my parents that i am most likely gifted, info i only found out after having DD and being surprised at all she could do! They then told me i was exactly the same.. I cried when i read gifted websites and gave myself clarity that i wasn't alone all those years, but just thought differently. It has given me a new confidence in my life..that different is good, and that i've an excuse for my social failures! However, where i missed out, i am hoping to help my DD so that she won't be so isolated from the outset with just a mom and me situation. Maybe me and DD need a fresh path and some time apart..maybe even some babysitters

However i disagree that gifted people care less about family. Its no.1 on my ladder right now. My family IS my work and my motivation! I care so much about raising my DD to love life and have the morals i grew up with. I don't find being a SAHM a stop in my accomplishments. My DD is my greatest gift. No amount of money can compensate for me what she gives me, and i hope what i give her. She is all i have for now and my goal is to see her safely to school. I just want the best for her. But maybe its becoming overbearing and she needs playschool now.. But despite the regular chores, the freedom and enjoyment and diversity of raising a child rules out the monotonous chore of a 9-5 job for me. Its not that i am disheartened about being a mom, if thats what you were thinking, but more disheartened by the attitude of others towards what i love most in this world.

Thanks puffin, they are good points.. i tend to be sensitive too alright, but i don't think i am imagining it. I think kids are kids and despite countless kids pushing and shoving and even at times hitting (most have that phase i know) my DD, i reassure the mam not to worry, i understand. So therefore when it comes to my own child, i don't understand why they can't show any compassion for the way she is and the phases she is going through. To top it, its not like they should hate her playing with their children because she has never EVER, since she was a tot, raised a hand or foot at anyone. All she has done 'wrong' is be too mature for her peers.

Maybe i'm drifting off point, but @doubtfulguest, i would looove if my DD would open up a bit to people. Thats another issue. Maybe its a result of her playground experience, but if someone on public transport talks to her or if someone walking by us says hello to me and smiles to her, she gives them the biggest frown EVER! She tells people they are strangers and that she can't talk to them and will run and hide behind me. Sometimes it makes people tease her and peek around me at her and a tantrum erupts. Don't have a clue where to take that problem except wait it out??!!
To help with being in public, as i said above, i took her to a farm recently and am making plans for more museum visits now! I know she will love that! She was at a museum a while ago and loved it, but upstairs the crowd was bigger and we had to leave! Still exposure is probably the way to go right? why did i not think of making these things more regular?!! I think i just fell in a hole recently! thanks again everyone for pulling me out!

MotherofToddler; her praise isn't my praise either, but i find her abilities stump a conversation when they are brought to light by her actions or words. The comments are jealous in reply and the attitude to DD is horrible at times. Yes i too am looking for friends, i admit that, but i want to be myself with my friends and let DD be herself too. A smile and "well done!" or "really? woah!" doesn't take much to make her smile and go about her business again and then adult conversation could resume. Thats what i am looking for and haven't found it. Am i looking for the unimaginable? It was only in the early days that i blurted too much about dds abilities, and i only talked about them because everyone else was telling what their LO learned the day before too! I know better now.
I do give the other kids attention which is what back fired that time i mentioned when she told me she can't do anything. She saw me praising kids for whatever, and then their parents praising them. Then when she accomplished something, like one time it was tying her shoelaces while sitting on the tarmac beside us adults chatting; only i told her excellent, well done, the others just stared without compliment! she started shouting "don't stare its rude!" and undid her lace.. but i had to tell her quietly not to shout like that at people..she ran off embarrassed, so praise for shoe tied is lost.. many similar situations..
I tried your conversation starter ideas with the family thanks! they work great!! helps her join in with the adults which she loves!
Haha! actually yes i tried pointing out that screaming makes people cover their ears and here is what has been going on since. A baby or toddler is crying on the bus (the most embarrassing occasion, no escape! it happened around town too) and she claps her hands over her ears and shouts, "that baby is too loud, she is hurting my ears and probably everyone elses!". A VEEEERY embarrassed mammy tries to console her baby in the pram..obviously feeling inadequate and looking close to tears..to which a VEEERY embarrassed me tells dd to stop that and I apologize to the mammy. I am now telling DD quietly that when someone covers their ears, they are being very rude and insensitive and to ignore them! The words she chose to express its meaning are perfect, but we don't say that in society, so therefore we shouldn't do the actions either. Its hurtful.

Also no, not recognition for me. I'm sure. its not recognition for her abilities i'm talking of, its recognition of her as a person..not to be ignored, because she picks up on it, which in turn i suppose has to do with her abilities in a way. All kids want praise and to be acknowledged by people they look up to and they do that by doing good things and showing us what they can do. If you read my stories about her, you will see how the comments and looks and cold shoulders are hurting her..or maybe i'm not portraying it right.. You see the things an adult is surprised at, is not average 2yr old stuff, but she doesn't get that. She doesn't know what is "advanced" and that most people will feel jealous if she can do something their kid can't.. Plus 9/10 don't comment on anything she does.. advanced or not. And when someone says woah you can count to 3 to another child she wonders why people don't say well done when she counts 3 buckets and smiles to them ..shes ignored, but its because they know she counts past 20 as shes done that in front of them too! but again she doesn't get that!! so its the hurt for her that i am feeling. They could either acknowledge the little stuff or even the big stuff. anything! Also lately praise from me doesn't seem to matter to her as much, shes looking for it elsewhere..thats why i looked into the playgroup.. is that common?
You may be right about the non-verbal cues, but we never had 5min interactions where i thought my kid was smarter. They were several meet ups and things the other mom kept comparing about over time.. It was their thinking, not mine. If i saw things i never said it, but they blatantly said it out to me, pointing out milestones my dd had reached that i never even knew about. At times i was even hiding dds capabilities to try make friends, but something always gave and they thought me bad for playing her capabilities down. Have you seriously just mentioned future jobs? I haven't quite got to school years yet! haha! Thats not my attitude, i think you have me wrong..

KellyA that is soooo WEIRD!!! you gave me goosebumps reading that! my dd plays the EXACT same game as your LO! the bed is a boat and there is a crocodile in the water and shes rescuing her teddies! Thats so cute!! Also we use google for everything too.. including a lot of questions i can't answer like "what are bones made of?"!! but to help her face fears, thats brilliant! I will have to do that

Ok i'm cutting a bit short i know, but i've been too long here at the laptop! Thank you all so much and sorry if i've skipped over things, but i have read everything and i'm grateful! It was nice to be introduced to you all!

Hey Smidge,

Methinks you have come to the right place. After having been on the receiving end of various comments ranging from disbelief to fear and to criticisms of hot-housing ('cause of course I must have tied my hot-headed 12 month old to his high chair and force-fed flashcards to him 'til he got his alphabet DOWN baby ), I just decided to save my stories of pride, joy and apprehension for this forum and close family members or friends should they ask. With time, I realized that as long as you have a small number of people in the know, that is all you need. For the rest, either you try to live with the fact that you can't share certain things with them and talk about other things or just spend less or no time with them (easier said than done but it is possible, because in the end what is more important, fair-weather friendships or your child's well-being?).

Maybe try to communicate more with your daughter about how she feels and what she wishes. If she wants to go to the playground, maybe tell her that in playgrounds, kids can be rough but it's usually not personal. Give her time to explore her environment with you on the bench until she is ready to go explore. Anything to help alleviate her anxiety to help avoid isolation. And read a lot about how to deal with overexcitabilities in gifted children. It helped us a lot with dealing with our easily frustrated and sensitive (yet terrific) tyke...
Also is there a gifted kids association in your town/county, maybe they can help with suggestions?

And last but not least, know that you are not alone. Welcome!

time and exposure will definitely help! my bean was the world's shyest at first and then over time it got better. the strangers would sometimes only make eye contact with her and smile - or talk to my husband (who was with her most often on the way home from work/montessori) about her. they would totally freak out over her vocabulary and clarity - and then they would want to engage her. at first, she really wouldn't respond - the frown-face is totally familiar over here, too!

but we'd try to emphasize that it's natural for people to be interested in interesting conversations, and sometimes some of them might want to join in. over time it really improved. she's still a bit shy, especially when she feels someone is really singling her out, but it's loads better.

we have definitely talked with DD about the difference between a kindly stranger and someone asking a lot of personal questions, or conversations that might occur without her parents present - i'm trying to remember, but i think we might have talked about this as early as 1.5? i think it was when we knew she'd be on the transit every day - i know we didn't want her to feel unsafe with so many people around, many of whom might suddenly say "hello!"

the kindness of strangers really helped us, as parents, not feel so quite so isolated, too. though, truth be told... nothing beats this place for not feeling so crazy anymore!

It sounds like your child needs a lot of attention to be "full". What I'd recommend is focusing more on detailed observations as conversation starters and less on praise.

If she is playing with blocks, you can notice "I see you are building a castle and using yellow triangles for the top. Who lives in your castle?" If she is climbing on monkey bars "You made it to the second monkey bar, strong DD! Do you think you can make it all the way to the 5th monkey bar?", if she is digging a hold in the sand "That hole is so big you could fit both of your feet in it. What are you making?" if she is painting a picture "I see you painted a cat and a dog. Is that our cat?"

You can fill the same need for attention without praise, especially if you focus on giving frequent detailed observations several times an hour that encourage a positive interaction between each of you. This works with other people's children at playdates too. Make an observation, ask a question, repeat. So much better than praise! They don't need to hear that they are smart and perfect, they need to see they are worth paying attention to.

I gave the outrageous example about future jobs just to point out that we need to be aware of what value we put into our child's achievements and think about whether it's reasonable. My child can count past 20 too but I don't really think about it at playdates. She's counted in front of other adults, they don't make a big deal out of it, I smile and we move on and I don't really think about it after that. What do YOU think it means when one child counts higher than another child? Because I don't think it means much in the grand scheme of things but if you think it means some significant, that's what's going to annoy other parents, whether you say it or not. That could be why they avoid bringing attention to it when she does it in front of them. I don't know what value you put on these skills, that's why I ask.

I think MotherofToddler offers terrific advice on communication that shows interest without praise. There is a time for praise, but it doesn't have to come with every accomplishment. The value that I'd highlight is in the initiative, the curiosity, and the perseverance that leads to those achievements. By highlighting something your DD is doing, you are singling her out in the group as a somebody worthy of attention. That's huge!

For instance, when my son was proudly showing me his paintings today, I said these things:
- You sure seem to like painting!
- I see you chose to use many colors in this picture, and you mixed many of them by yourself. How did you make orange?
- The stippling is really eye-catching.
- I love painting with you.
- Which painting would you like to hang on the wall? (We display his artwork in frames with our "real" art. I think that is a good way to communicate that his work is important.)

I get the sense from your posts that, like near us, parents are in the habit of over-praising. It can be jarring to be the only child within earshot not acknowledged. That being said, I'm not convinced that constant praise will be of service to these children. It may lead to perfectionism, reduced intrinsic motivation, and lower self-efficacy.

Frankly, I think your daughter will be better off psychologically than her peers for her lack of over-praise. I actually consciously try to avoid people who fawn over my son (20 mos) for the reasons I listed.