Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school please help

Hello, I am new to the forum and need some help. I found this website from browsing.. I have a 2yr old, nearly 3 who i think may be gifted and up til now the internet has answered all my parenting questions, but now i am stuck. I need someone to talk to..
Although from 18 months old dd knew her abcs and all the letters sounds, no one seemed to notice as i was home with her all the time. Everyone i talked to about my surprise at her achievements, gave me the impression they thought i was drilling her..that confused me.. it couldn't be further from the truth (as i am sure you all know). As she turned 2 she was talking rings round me with why? and was full of questions. I was branching out as a new mom and getting very excited about all she could do and joined in with my friends and playground mams talking about how amazing our kids are, only to discover after i blurted too much that my little one was miles ahead of anyone else and i wasn't allowed say anything unless i wanted backs turned on me and to be left isolated. So sadly i've learned to shut my mouth. I had already said too much though as people who i thought were friends could only focus on the negative aspects of my child from then on, as if she and I needed grounding. The fact that she liked to be alone studying something or other for ages, including kids at a distance didn't help. They looked at her like she was odd. She is always tuned in to how people feel and told me she didn't like how any of the mammys on the playground looked at her (her own words @ 2.5), or any of the kids because they were too rough. She is super gentle and hates to see any form of roughness, including kung fu panda images or me killing a fly! but this is all turned into negative by anyone outside the family.. they say she needs more contact with kids to "learn kid behaviour". (personally i think she has already gone beyond it, but how do you say that?!!) I tried some one on one playgroups, but each time my little one was running rings around the other, in talking, memory, general realization/know-how etc. and i never had to say a word, the moms saw it straight away and they subtly got out of meeting up anymore.. they spent their time comparing anyway which was embarrassing, so maybe it was a good thing. But what do i do now?
Once she was called a drama queen which is what stings most. Its almost moms bullying my kid. She had bumped her head after another kid pushed her and she couldn't handle either thing and she just cried uncontrollably while shouting at me to just leave her, and then went to calm down at the top of the slide like an older kid would sort themselves out.. I know that she is very sensitive, but i have read it goes hand in hand with being gifted and am learning to help her deal with eg. when a bee gets squashed or theres a stone in her shoe, to which she will squeal about, because it hurts! I never dramatize any of these situations, its just in her. I'm sure someone out there will get it.. I've changed playgrounds to a point that i don't know where to go anymore. I have lost friends and am feeling alone..
Since she has been two i have never discussed her achievements with anyone because i can't, and she constantly hears other people going on about their kids.. As a result of me not talking about her she seemed to one day come to the conclusion of: 'i'm boring, i don't know anything'. This has been the final straw for me. I can't take it and don't know where to turn for reassurance that this isn't affecting her in a bad way.
Another thing, she looooves to talk to adults and they don't love to talk to her even if its about the planets or why we see shadows. No one likes a know it all i guess.. is what i tell myself when i see people scoff at her, instead of woah look what this 2yr old knows. She sees that people ignore her and i'm feeling so sad for her right now. i know things will change when she goes to school and will make friends herself, but til then i think i will go crazy by everyones cold shoulder. It hurts so bad and i am so afraid of the damage it is doing to her. What can i say when they put their hands over their ears when she screeches because the bridge at the playground is too wobbly and she thinks she will fall? What can i tell them when they scoff at her knowledge as if i've programmed her? I should be proud but all i feel is embarrassed because i don't know what to say, and she is picking up on it.
I'm feeling exhausted. I know no one will ever love my child like i do, but am i wrong to expect some recognition for her. She is a lovely kid. All the people i meet who either don't have kids or are past a certain age absolutely love and adore her so i'm not delusional. She has a small family around her and those other people work or are away all day and all i'm left to deal with are the playground or toddler group mums. Any suggestions on how to handle them and their rudeness? should i just hide at home praising her myself til school?

Hi, Smidge. Welcome! You're in the right place.

I'm so sorry you and your dd are experiencing such a painful response to your dd's sensitivities and abilities. I wish people would realize how damaging this kind of shunning behavior can be. Particularly when they try to "bring her down a peg" by focusing on the negative. Ugh.

I don't have any advice on how to deal with their rudeness. You can't make people not feel threatened by precociousness if they are. I would suggest trying, through this site or something similar, to find true peers for your dd whose parents can appreciate, understand, and not be threatened by the special challenges that come with parenting a child like her.

And you're right. Society is so odd in this way. Parents feel entitled to brag about their child as long as the child's accomplishments aren't *too* out of the ordinary. But there's this unspoken rule that we mustn't acknowledge or speak about the talents or abilities that are really out there--unless they happen to be athletic or musical. Anything but intelligence.

And sensitive children are not respected in our society either. My ds finds some peer behavior outrageous. He gets put out by cheating and lying. In his peer group of kids he's known since kindergarten, (and these kids are gifted as well) he's the one who's ostracized if he responds to the other kids' bad behavior. This double standard, the expectation that people not lie and cheat, but it's okay for his peers, baffles him. And the other parents? Time and again, it's easier for them to make ds the scapegoat than deal with their own children's bad behavior. It's easier for them to assume ds is too sensitive, too emotional, too righteous. Or often they take the attitude that boys will be boys. Whatever their conclusion, it doesn't seem to be that perhaps the others might have a lesson to learn on fairness or honesty.

Honestly, we have done better limiting time around kids and moms who are not supportive. My kid is an extrovert and when there is a good match I let him fly, but he picked up very early that he was different and negative people made a very strong impression.

Think about the behavior you are modeling. If you two are happy and blossoming at home, stick with it and if you find some nice kids at the library, pursue playdates. These kids tend to take one repetition to learn a fact when some other kids take thirty... If she thinks you are embarrassed by her learning, it will stick long before school starts...

You might think about something structured and safe like parent tot gymnastics. It is fantastic for developing confidence with the right coach.

Just my two cents...

What area of the country are you in? Maybe there are some activities or groups we can point you toward...

SAHM has great advice.

We were sort of reclusive when DD was little. I just couldn't bear to expose her to that kind of adult hostility-- she was definitely fully aware of it, and knew that it was directed at her.

It was terrifying for her, and not a little disconcerting for ME, for that matter.


Structured classes were good-- based around physical activities, though, NOT a blend of physical/cognitive/artistic, because-- well, that one is fairly obvious.

Library visits.

Lots of walks, play with outdoor toys, chalk, etc.

Awww. This was the hardest age for DS and me socially speaking and was when I showed up here too. It gets much easier. It did for us anyhow. Mainly through changing my expectations and keeping at things that showed any shred of promise.

We went regularly to a playgroup and I would spend most of my time trying to avoid DS "showing off", ie distracting him from going over to the books or changing the conversation topic, and without him knowing. When the playgroup came to my house I engineered the spread of toys to look "correct". I was so relieved when the winter platter of infectious illnesses effectively ended it.

It didn't help to try to find similar age children that shared his interests because their knowledge level was too different. Most playdates did not go well at 3 and even at 4.

But honestly he didn't need the playgroup to feel happy... I needed it, I didn't have much of a social life myself after becoming a SAHM, and really needed to meet people in my community. I was too attached to the possibility of it even beyond seeing the reality. The social connections for me happened very slowly and it ended up for me it was better to not only do things where DS was with me at the time -- for example volunteer here and there without him. It took 3 years for me to realize he just wasn't going to have a close same age friend in our community and let that go (beyond planning to move, LOL). I did find parents with either lots of kids or a disabled child of any age were far more likely to be good friend bets for me than parents with a singleton perfectly average child. Something about understanding the limits of their own power over their child's perfection. It sounds like some sort of reverse discrimination. The worst for us was parents of the excessively well groomed single child who from birth is being taught perfect manners: as a gross over-generalization the parents are invested in their child being perfect, about how their child appears to others, it keeps them up at night, they need to find inadequacies in others' children.

Our best bet socially when DS was 3 and 4 was college girl babysitters, the freshmen especially seemed to not have realized that pretend play could be considered immature, and were really energetic, they were nice to DS and appreciative of him being smart rather than feeling threatened. They loved to teach him things, he came home one day knowing the greek alphabet (sorority girl). He went to preschool part days too and that was good I think in terms of him managing in that environment, but he didn't interact much with the other kids or learn anything. At 4 he started a mixed age preschool where he was the youngest and that went better socially but was still very dependent on the particular kids.

DS now has a few interest based classes and clubs he goes to that have older kids and that's where I see him light up with social interest, suddenly completely engaged with another child. At 3 though he couldn't make it through those things without crying or otherwise being a disturbance, asking questions out of turn etc ... we tried.

We're making some effort to give DS cultural commonality. He's different enough as it is. Plus he has too many driven interests to ever turn into a TV zombie. We've done beginning soccer at 4, T ball, despite his lack of interest in all things ballish. I keep an eye out for movies to go to, try to think ahead what computer games his older friends might know about, books they would have read, etc. So that there's some common background, so he gets references and can make them himself.

Anyways, some of that is a long way off, I'm getting too far ahead. Hang in there! Look for interest based activities like library story or craft times (and check libraries further away, the closest may not be the best). Just because it says for 4 and 5 year olds doesn't mean you can't just show up, there are usually a younger sibling or two in attendance anyhow.

Polly: It is isolating to be gifted. The more sensitive the person, then the more it is necessary to have a home that is a haven. Gifted people care deeply about society, but have to self-regulate their interactions because they pick up everything that is going on with everyone and it can be sensory overload. Gifted people generally are independent, so the isolation factor fits that profile, too, because they have an endless list of subjects that they want to pursue, so they are always busy with their own projects. Everything you described is normal for a gifted child. You have to view advice for parents of average IQ children as not necessarily suited for your child's development. We go to the the playground that is least occupied or go to popular playgrounds at off-hours. If you yourself are gifted and a high-sensitivity person, then you are likely super-sensitive to your child's interaction with the other children; that is normal for us. Once, you are comfortable with being perhaps in a smaller group intellectually, you can relax and pursue your child's interests with them while they are young. Gifted people can be very self-motivated and driven from within; they are going somewhere in their life and once they are adults, they might not have as much time for family. Not because they don't care, but because they care very much about the work that they can accomplish.

One thing I have noticed that you might bear in mind. As the parent of gifted child you are likely gifted yourself. You may therefore have over sensitivities yourself. While many people may be behaving badly there may also be occasions where they are simply being thoughtless or you are misinterpreting. I know I have tendancy to overthink throwaway comments that were in fact meaningless. The example I am thinking of is the person putting their hands over their ears - maybe they are over sensitive to noise or had earache? Children squealing are very loud and I have done this myself and it was not a comment on either the child or the parent (often it is my own child after all).

hi Smidge!

i'm pretty new here, too, but have you ever come to the right place! everyone here is so wise and helpful.

like you, we've had problems with the dirty looks and the cold-shoulders right from Day One. well, Day Two, i suppose, when DD rolled over for the first time. most recently, i believe i've lost my best friend of 35 years when she simply couldn't understand the problems we've had this year - and flatly refused to believe that anything i might be saying could be true. i feel so very far away from her right now.

i guess that's the long way around, but i wanted to say i really feel for you.


we did 2 things for this problem:

1) we got DD out on public transit all the time - i'm not sure if that will work in your area, but the innately low-stakes nature of interacting with strangers seemed to work well for everyone. DD loved talking to new people about whatever was on her mind at the time, and it seemed that if the adults literally never had to see her again, the conversations weren't constantly ruined by comparisons. over time, she did make a few "bus friends" - who were largely elderly folks who genuinely thought she was neat.

2) we took DD to the places where her interests would be served, and let her ask her questions to the adults in charge. science centres, museums, hospitals, the vet even showed her the OR and let her handle and "set up" a whole bunch of surgical equipment last year. we're planning a trip to a medical research facility for the fall - i don't *think* they usually do tours for 5 y/olds... but it's amazing what happens when you ask!

i've found that many adults are totally charmed by a kid who is fascinated by what they do - they'll often let you do things you'd never dream possible. we had a radiologist swipe some old x-rays and give them to her - they redacted the names with a sharpie together and had a great talk about medical confidentiality.

oh! and the other thing i did was cultivate some "younger" friends - kids (to me) in their mid-20s who were kind of adults, but not quite parental-figures. since they had no kids of their own... they could just enjoy DD and all her weirdness. eventually, she'd go on sleepovers with them and away for camping trips - they always had a blast and they truly loved how articulate and fun DD was. now that they're a bit older, we're not seeing as much of them, but it was a terrific bridge during that awkward 1-4 yr period.

so welcome to the board - it's really, really good here. i can't wait to hear more about your little bean!

It's sad that you are going through this, and it's sadder for your daughter. I can never understand how anyone can be cruel to a child- no matter the reason.

I haven't had negative experiences with friends and family, luckily. Mind you, my friends are wonderful, and my family don't have their own kids and my husband has no family. No opportunity for jealousy. However, I just had to comment that I feel it is so important to show your daughter that being gifted isn't a bad thing! I know it is hard, but you need to be strong and defend her- just like you would for anything else.

These "friends" are just jealous. If they were real friends, or even just nice human beings, they would be happy for your daughter. I would be less open about giftedness with strangers, but I wouldn't go out of my way to hide the fact that your daughter is gifted. To do so will give the impression that it is a shameful thing to be.

There should especially be no shame with your friends, and if they don't like it then they can go away. While I talk openly about my boys to friends, I don't go overboard. The best thing, I have found, is having a friend who also has a gifted child. Just one has been enough for my eldest, but it has also been enough for me to have someone to talk to about...gifted things. Otherwise, just let your daughter hang out with you and your friends that don't have kids.

I never tell friends what my child does or doesn't know, nor to do I get out the letters or books or puzzles when they are around to try to get her to show them in what ways she is advanced. She doesn't need the praise, it's not very interesting for other adults to hear about, and her praise isn't my praise.


I usually just let the other parents know I realize my child isn't very interested in playing with other kids yet, try to give my child and the other child a lot of attention, try to praise the other child's physical, mental or social skills to the mother so that they see I'm interested in them and not just focusing on my own child, even if my child is completely ignoring everyone except me. If a mom tells me her child can do X and in my head I know my child can do 2X, I look at the child and say "Wow, you can do X?! That's so cool!" and then move on. I do not engage in comparing. It's natural for other parents to ask questions because they want to know what is normal but just because they are telling you something their child did doesn't mean they are asking you what your child did. I've learned not to allow myself to get any self-esteem boost from talking about what my child has done - it's not my accomplishment, neither she nor I need to tell everyone ever my child's grandparents don't even hear the things that most impress me.


I'm sorry. It sounds like maybe the other mother was embarrassed because her child hurt yours and your child was acting upset. What I do when this happens and another parent is looking at me with concern, is explain to the other parent that my child is fine, she was just scared and needs a hug (or in your case, maybe just needs some time alone). That way the other parent knows I'm not mad that their child pushed mine. I understand that they are kids.


I think when you stay in a group for longer there won't be the constant discussions about what the kids are doing. That sort of thing gets old pretty fast.


Can you talk about her without talking about accomplishments? Like, we went ___ and she liked ____. Tell them about the ____, DD. Could you talk about what she is doing at that moment "Look at the tower DD is making, pretty cool!" Or if you just want to give her some praise to overhead, can you talk about accomplishments that aren't related to academics - "DD helped me clean her room today and put away all of her toys". "I said my nose itched and she scratched it for me, she is so kind." Or let her overhear praise in front of your husband or relatives? I think you can fill up her need for this, if there is one, and it doesn't have to be done in front of other parents.


I think it's really normal for adults to think other people's children are annoying to talk to. I wouldn't read too much into this.


You can apologize quietly to the person covering her ears, and then whisper to your child to look, that was hurting someone's ears. That made him cover his ears. Maybe make a game out of trying to scream quietly and get her giggling if you can. The main thing is just showing others around that you do acknowledge them, even if you can't always control your young child.


I've been a little embarrassed by child's social behavior sometimes but often I just ask the other parent (not where my child can hear), what they recommend. In your case I might say "She hasn't learned how to talk about what other people are interested in yet, or how to tell if she is boring someone. She thinks that if she's interested in something, everyone else is interested too. She's only 2 so I don't know how to teach her that skill yet. What would you do?" I think often people just want to know that you see there's an issue. For my child the big one is that sometimes she cries in groups - so I just explain she gets stressed when she's new in a group but that she should calm down soon and I'm not sure what else I should be doing but leave it open for them to give me suggestions. They usually go from concerned looks that hurt my feelings to compassionate understanding looks instantly if we have that exchange.


Do you want it for her or for you? I could be wrong but I think you can probably fill up her need for attention and praise before you even get to the playground.


I think the main thing I do is treat interactions with people as though they are mind-readers, and try to adjust my thinking/making it more reasonable so they don't read my ruder thoughts.

What I mean by that is this:

Say another child's mom proudly tells me that her child recognizes many letters and sings the ABC song. In my head I could think, that's great but my child recognizes lots of words and has for a long time.

What I don't think is "My child is smarter than yours" - Early reading is not an IQ test. Academic knowledge is not an IQ test. Her child might have the higher IQ and even if my child had a higher IQ, my child might grow up and struggle to keep a full-time job. There's nothing predictive about whose kid knows about letters, planets or dinosaurs first. Also, girls are often are very advanced in terms of language compared to boys the same age. Being a year or more ahead is not at all uncommon.

What I don't think is "If you knew my child knows some things your child doesn't know, you'd be jealous because my child is smarter." - First, we don't know who is smarter. Second, the other mom probably wouldn't care, she'd just wonder why I was trying to one up her instead of just saying something positive in response to her story about her child singing the ABCs. A more appropriate response would have been to enthusiastically ask to hear the ABC song.

What I do think is "She is very proud of her child, it's fun for parents to see them learning new things, I want this to be a positive interaction for her. What can I say to make this a positive interaction?"

I think people can read non-verbal cues like reading minds and if you are thinking something negative about what they say to you, they can probably tell and won't want to hang out as much. If you find yourself thinking that a 5 minute interaction with another preschool-aged child shows you that yours is smarter or better or going to have a better paying and thus more important job then that's really unfair of you and I would work on changing that thinking because people pick up on it.