Thanks everyone. There really is no good option here - it's very much a case of choosing the least bad option. I think any are better than what we have experienced over the past couple of years but none seem like the answer to our problems.
DH is a tenured full professor - his job is not at all portable. The benefit of job security is off-set by being permanently bound to the location. Since the district will be paying we don't have the option of relocating unless we are willing to start the whole process over. He can arrange to teach his classes on 2 days a week so if needed he could come join us at the beginning or end of the week. That can't be a regular thing but he could do it sporadically if we were at the 2E school.
DH and DD are very, very close. He has always arranged his schedule to spend significant amounts of time with her. (i.e. Grading and prepping classes in the middle of the night so that after school he can be with her at the park, playground, museums, etc.) He is very hands on so it would be rough for both DD and me to suddenly be a single parent. 2E option is in MAJOR city - nothing like our suburban lifestyle. Yes I could find her a dance studio and a children's theater company but I don't think they would have the same feel to them. Probably a lot more entree to professional performing than after school activity. We are talking MAJOR upheaval. DH and I have been married 25 years so stability is not a problem in that regard. Yes we would certainly do it but it is not an appealing option.
I have asked DD's psych to speak to director of #2 and see what she thinks. As off-putting as our interactions were there do seem to be some benefits to the program. It would be so different from her previous experience I am wondering if I can even look at it as a detoxifying year. Almost an "unschooling" experience. If we keep the psych involved as the person monitoring DD's progress I may be able to comfortably back off. It might even be a good cleansing option for me after everything I have been through fighting for her. I don't know if I am justifying, rationalizing or just desperate to find a way to make the local option doable. DH is very, VERY angry about the way DD and I were treated by the director so he is not even considering #2 a viable option at this point.
If #3 were the more local option I would probably be feeling the same way about them as I am about #2. The school psych and director both seemed sincere in their interest in meeting DD's needs. I know that's not enough,though, especially with the other areas of concern. It's interesting that #2 didn't express any concern about whether or not they could meet DD's needs, only about whether I could actually accept being 100% hands off and letting them have free reign.
DD has liked each school. Whichever she visited last was her favorite. Now she is suddenly all upset about the idea of leaving the public that has made our lives so miserable. She is clearly overwhelmed and I don't think she is a good source of info. I think she could be comfortable, to a degree anyway, with any of the 3. Shlepping back and forth and being away from everything at home would grate on her. Being in a school with kids bouncing off the walls would grate on her. Being in a school that intentionally pushes her out of her comfort zone so that she can grow from it would grate on her. That's just the reality.
For so long I knew who I was fighting and what I was fighting for. I was sure we wanted the 2E school but once I heard there was a possibility of a local option the idea of uprooting DD became so much harder. Last year I had thought lovely little private plus services provided by the district could be our best option. At this point, though, I think her needs are too great. If she can become independent through voice-to-text or keyboarding and become a more comfortable, fluent reader it could be an option later but not now. Psych, consultant and lawyer all say it's not really feasible at the point. It has to be one of these specialized programs. No one has uncovered another option.
