ElizabethN - Thank you for the book advice - I have ordered it.
Good! I actually went home and reread half of it last night, thinking about your problem. I think you have what they call a "yo-yo friendship," where X is reveling in her power over your DD. The fact that X has been bullied by others probably makes this extra-delicious for her.
The four steps that they recommend that you apply to every problem are: (1) Observe (2) Connect, (3) Guide (working together to think of possible solutions, and discuss how they might work or not work), and (4) Support to take action.
I think you're doing a fabulous job on observing, because it sounds like you have a really good handle on how everyone is acting and why. It's important to recognize that you cannot change X's behavior, and again, I think you have a good handle on that. It also sounds like you are connecting with your daughter on how she feels about this, although you really can never do too much of that. Try just restating what she tells you without adding judgment or advice. "OK, so you're upset because X tried to take your toy when you haven't played with it yourself yet. What did you say when she said that?" It also helps if you can tell her a story about how you have faced this kind of problem, as long as you don't "steal the focus" away from her problem too much. "When I was a little girl, there was a girl named Marcie who used to sneak stuff out of my lunch bag when I wasn't looking. It made me so mad!" The idea is to reinforce the emotional connection with your daughter, not to tell her to deal with the problem the same way you dealt with Marcie. Work conflicts that you have now can also be good for reinforcing connections, if you can explain them simply. "I worked really hard on a presentation for Friday, and then Justin took some of my slides and used them on Thursday! He made it look like he had done the work, when it was really all mine, and my presentation looked like an anticlimax. I am so mad at him!"
At this point, you and your DD need to go to step 3: work together to think of possible solutions, and talk through whether they would work and how to implement them. Try to get her to supply as many ideas as possible, and you can also slip some into the list. Try to get her to tell you the pros and cons of each idea as much as possible, and try to use her ideas, even if they seem to you like they won't help.
To support her to take action, you need to select one or a few of the ideas you've brainstormed, and then talk about how to put them into effect. Do you need to set up playdates with some different girls? (Have her make the call to invite someone over, even if you have to pick up the extension to confirm it with the other parent.) Do you need to hide stuff before X comes over, or have their playdates at a park or something where there's no personal belongings to fight over? Should you set up some more structured activities for them to do together? You may need to do things like role-play scenarios that you guys have thought up where X acts inappropriately, and help her figure out things to say that will defuse the situation.
Another thing that was mentioned is that you should really try not to let two girls get into a best-friends relationship where they have
no other friends, as it gives them too much power over one another. You can talk to the school about putting them in separate classes next year if possible, and try to encourage other friendships. Even if it's too late to affect class assignment for next year, it would be good to be sure that their teacher knows about the dynamic between them, so she can allow for it.
Good luck, and let us know how it's going!
