Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Dd's difficult friendship

Wow, Flower! How amazingly patient you were! Kids are not bad seeds...but they learn quickly what they have to get what they need in life, and sometimes that means manipulation, becoming the aggressor, and shutting out vulnerable feelings. You helped her learn there is a different way. I grew up in a very adversarial household where weaknes was exploited. Adults outside of my family taught me that I didn't always need to be so prickly.

I like the idea of explaining the different ways to handle conflict to kids: passive (doing nothing), aggressive (attempting to hurt others physically or emotionally), passive-aggressive (being hurtful in an underhanded way), and assertive (seeking to get your needs met openly but not hurtfully). Sometimes
we have to use differing styles based on conflict (principal confronts you: passive, someone tries to kidnap you: aggressive, etc). I see that 'mean girls' are masters of passive-aggression. The best way to shut town someone who's
using this sharp little tool is to call the aggression out. "I REALLY like your hair (smirk) ." Call out: "The way you said that makes me think you don't. See ya." I practice assertive comebacks with my clients who are dealing with mean girls.

I also think it's fair to recognize most kids play both sides with different friendships. I get really annoyed with anti-bullying programs that tend to
demonify bullies instead of helping us to see we are all potential bullies.

Our efforts with our Girl X weren't really effective, because while she did learn that certain behaviors wouldn't work with us, she decided to focus on manipulating DD into going over to her own house, where our rules did not apply and Girl X had all the power. Once there, GX limited them to only two activities, didn't let DD play with any of her toys, and Mom X involved herself in every argument, where apparently she sided with GX every time. Needless to say, DD didn't like going there.

So that's something to watch out for.

Good! I actually went home and reread half of it last night, thinking about your problem. I think you have what they call a "yo-yo friendship," where X is reveling in her power over your DD. The fact that X has been bullied by others probably makes this extra-delicious for her.

The four steps that they recommend that you apply to every problem are: (1) Observe (2) Connect, (3) Guide (working together to think of possible solutions, and discuss how they might work or not work), and (4) Support to take action.

I think you're doing a fabulous job on observing, because it sounds like you have a really good handle on how everyone is acting and why. It's important to recognize that you cannot change X's behavior, and again, I think you have a good handle on that. It also sounds like you are connecting with your daughter on how she feels about this, although you really can never do too much of that. Try just restating what she tells you without adding judgment or advice. "OK, so you're upset because X tried to take your toy when you haven't played with it yourself yet. What did you say when she said that?" It also helps if you can tell her a story about how you have faced this kind of problem, as long as you don't "steal the focus" away from her problem too much. "When I was a little girl, there was a girl named Marcie who used to sneak stuff out of my lunch bag when I wasn't looking. It made me so mad!" The idea is to reinforce the emotional connection with your daughter, not to tell her to deal with the problem the same way you dealt with Marcie. Work conflicts that you have now can also be good for reinforcing connections, if you can explain them simply. "I worked really hard on a presentation for Friday, and then Justin took some of my slides and used them on Thursday! He made it look like he had done the work, when it was really all mine, and my presentation looked like an anticlimax. I am so mad at him!"

At this point, you and your DD need to go to step 3: work together to think of possible solutions, and talk through whether they would work and how to implement them. Try to get her to supply as many ideas as possible, and you can also slip some into the list. Try to get her to tell you the pros and cons of each idea as much as possible, and try to use her ideas, even if they seem to you like they won't help.

To support her to take action, you need to select one or a few of the ideas you've brainstormed, and then talk about how to put them into effect. Do you need to set up playdates with some different girls? (Have her make the call to invite someone over, even if you have to pick up the extension to confirm it with the other parent.) Do you need to hide stuff before X comes over, or have their playdates at a park or something where there's no personal belongings to fight over? Should you set up some more structured activities for them to do together? You may need to do things like role-play scenarios that you guys have thought up where X acts inappropriately, and help her figure out things to say that will defuse the situation.

Another thing that was mentioned is that you should really try not to let two girls get into a best-friends relationship where they have no other friends, as it gives them too much power over one another. You can talk to the school about putting them in separate classes next year if possible, and try to encourage other friendships. Even if it's too late to affect class assignment for next year, it would be good to be sure that their teacher knows about the dynamic between them, so she can allow for it.

Good luck, and let us know how it's going!

I agree 100%. You don't have to cut off all out-of-school contact (like I did with my DD & her Girl X), but if you "water down" the influence and power of your DD's Girl X with other friendships, it will really help.

We've had experience with a Girl X.

When I started seeing much of the same behaviors as detailed above, I pointed them out to DD (now 11, but we noticed it when she was around 9 and had just met this friend).

I asked DD "do you think she's being a good friend when she does stuf like that?" or "are you happy when you never get to win and she changes the rules?"

I didn't think it would be very helpful to play the mommy card and just cut off contact with the other kid, so I worked on showing my kid that it wasn't a healthy friendship, and curbing contact where it wasn't noticeable.

The more aware DD became of the inequalities, the more she started putting her foot down. I don't think kids are born knowing what's a healthy friendship and what's not-they have to learn both from the positive ones and the negative ones.

Of course, the more she put her foot down, the less friendly the other kid became. My kid was sad, because she could sense the loss of attention from the other kid, and I was sort of like, well, she's not really looking for a friend, she's looking for a minion. Do you really want to be her minion?

The good thing is, the more confidence DD gains in herself, the less interested she is in hanging with Girl X.

So now they're "friendly" but not "friends" anymore, and DD has moved on to other friendships.

We've also got a Girl X! She enjoys rejecting her friends to make herself feel powerful. Weirdly, the parents are not particularly dysfunctional, other than being a bit spineless. I suspect that Girl X learned it from her older sister, who learned it at public school, and the parents have never effectively intervened.

Worse, my daughter (Hanni) and Girl X are only 4. They are at a small preschool together so there is no way for them to be kept apart. And Hanni is too young to have any perspective on the situation. Even if she agrees logically that friends shouldn't be mean, the emotional pull of wanting to be loved by this girl is just too strong.

Girl X is away for two months, and it's a huge relief, but I'm dreading when she comes back. Hanni has other friends, but nothing like the intensity she feels for Girl X. She continues to talk about Girl X and call her her "best friend." And Girl X's time away from the group will probably just intensify her need for emotional control.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I checked out some books from the library yesterday. They didn't have the one mentioned above (Little Girls Can Be Mean), but I'm reading Odd Girl Out. And I have to say, IT'S NOT HELPING. It's just making me angry.