Thank you so much for all your advice. I am torn between feeling like dd has a right to choose her friends and therefore not interfering, and using this window of time while she'll still listen to me to hopefully give her some insight in to how these kinds of relationships impact on her and others. I've been going with the latter and it's comforting to hear that that would be the approach others would take.
ElizabethN - Thank you for the book advice - I have ordered it.
Cricket3, I love your suggestion re showing how it impacts on others. Dd has quite solid self esteem and doesn't see her self as a victim at all. But I think she would respond to how Girl X's behavior might make others feel, especially kids who aren't so resilient.
Cricket2 - Your description of 'trimming herself down' is exactly right. Dd can slot herself in anywhere, she molds and trims and adds to herself so she can fit any size or shape of social hole. It's extraordinary. Other parents love her and without fail they tell me their children have never played better than with her. She just goes with the flow. In many ways this is a truly valuable quality, but in others - when you and/or your friends are not being treated respectfully, it is problematic. I'm so glad your daughter has grown to see her friend's behavior for what it is - I'll hold out hope!
Dude - I am fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it!) well versed in the ways of the Mother Xs of the world and was on to her potential to negatively impact on dd's and my relationships within the school from day one. She has indeed already enlisted a number of the strategies you mentioned (criticizing me to others, suddenly establishing friendships with the parents of kids dd is playing with - people that she 'despised' a day earlier, and so on). I have some tried and tested strategies to deal with such situations (which basically consist of not taking anything she says or does personally, cultivating friendships and, while indicating my disagreement on various issues, being unfaltering in my civility which gives her very little to use) - all of which you no doubt employed too - and while they don't guarantee that I'll avoid all out warfare, they have stood me in good stead so far! But you are spot on; she has the potential to make an unpleasant experience into an horrendous one. Re badgering the parents enough, this little girl has said to dd 'just have a tantrum if you don't get what you want - that's what I do, works every time' and Mother X has told me the same thing! Dd knows me well enough by now not to bother - tantrums don't fly with me, so she hasn't tried this particular tactic
CCN: Thank you, yes the learning opportunity vs bad experience is the line I am trying to walk at the moment. I was wondering if I was mad to be thinking about it as a learning experience, but there are plenty of Girl Xs in the world and to be able to identify them and manage them is a skill worth having. But not at the expense of your own self esteem. I have been forging friendships thick and fast with mums of other girls in the class (much effort for highly introverted me!) and had a couple of other kids over in recent weeks. They have provided a good chance to show dd the difference between being controlled and cooperative play.
KatieMama: Thanks for your kind words. I have raised it with the school, however Girl X has been bullied herself for much of her first two years of school and so they view it at the moment as her finally having a chance to learn social skills... They have assured me they'll keep an eye on it and that dd is playing with other kids too, but I will raise it from time to time and I plan to ask for dd to be placed in a different class next year if things don't change over the remainder of this year (we still have half the school year to go here).
syoblrig: Thanks for your story. It is wonderful that your daughter could see it for what it was. I will try asking dd the same kinds of questions - they give me a great way to frame the discussion (without those kinds of specifics I think dd's been finding my concerns all a bit nebulous).
Thanks again
