My daughter (6.5yo) has recently made friends with a girl at school who is extremely competitive and controlling. I will call her Girl X. Girl X manipulates EVERY situation she can to ensure she gets what she wants (I'm not exaggerating). On the rare occasion she lets my daughter 'have a turn' she then insists on how dd completes it. In games Girl X will manipulate the situation (often through blatant cheating) to ensure she wins and encourages dd to loose if it looks like she is going to win. Girl X constantly talks over dd so that only her opinion is heard. If dd actually wins Girl X will tell her that she let dd win. If dd gets a new toy/piece of clothing etc, Girl X will tell dd that it's horrible or plain etc. She does this constantly (well, at least in my presence) and without fail.
Other mums have had the same experience and have also told me this girl is preventing other kids who want to play with dd from playing with her. Girl X plays tricks on the other girls who are trying to be part of the group and whenever my daughter starts to build a relationship with another girl I hear back from Girl X's mother that Girl X 'hates' whoever dd has been playing with.
Dd LOVES her. She mostly gives standing up for herself a good go, but almost always eventually backs down. Except for things that are really important to dd (for example Girl X is always trying to borrow dd's things before dd has had a chance to play with/read/use them) - in those cases dd will generally put her foot down and remain firm. This though, only occurs a tiny fraction of the time.
Because of this (the fact that dd is very happy in the relationship and because she does put her foot down when it really matters) I am uncertain whether or not it should bother me as much as it does. DD is grade skipped in to a class with a group of gifted kids, one of whom is Girl X, so this girl is a year older. I wonder whether if I continue to stress to dd that she should ensure she's getting heard and having a say, and giving her some tools to address this, perhaps it's just dd's immaturity that is allowing this to occur. But in reality dd is extremely socially astute. She is more mature than many of the girls 12 - 18 months older than her in the class. The mothers of those older girls are experiencing the same issues.
Girl X's parents are very permissive (by their own admission) and her mother is extremely judgmental; from what I have witnessed, sometimes to the point of cruelty - both to others (children and adults) and to her daughters (I don't know the father well, but I do know from the mother that when he does decide to discipline their girls he becomes quite extreme and harbors a grudge for some time). I know the mother is aware of Girl X's behaviors and she says they're 'working on them'. But the reality is the behaviors the parents model are also quite extreme. Ultimately I suspect Girl X is extremely anxious, has shifting boundaries, is lacking in self esteem and is just trying to control 'something' with the tools she has at her disposal. So I don't think she's a bad kid.
I'm not sure I am handling the situation particularly well. I call Girl X out on her cheating (in as friendly way as I can) and, when it starts to become ridiculous, on her insistence that everything is done her way. I have talked to dd about my concerns (and they are concerns shared by all the other mums who have anything to do with this girl) - that dd is not being treated respectfully, that Girl X is not treating others respectfully. I asked dd how she feels when Girl X is doing those things and she said she doesn't know, so I have asked her to think about it when they are next together.
I am unsure of where being controlling becomes bullying and certainly dd doesn't appear to feel bullied at the moment - but I am concerned Girl X is (not necessarily consciously) grooming dd for a bystander role and that this behavior might escalate over time.
If you have got this far (thanks!), any thoughts on how I should handle it?
