Cricket2 - Your description of 'trimming herself down' is exactly right. Dd can slot herself in anywhere, she molds and trims and adds to herself so she can fit any size or shape of social hole. It's extraordinary. Other parents love her and without fail they tell me their children have never played better than with her. She just goes with the flow. In many ways this is a truly valuable quality, but in others - when you and/or your friends are not being treated respectfully, it is problematic.
That is a perfect description of my dd11 as well. I call her a social chameleon. It is a somewhat unfortunate quality in terms of being recognized as gifted in school, though, b/c she doesn't stand out as "different" the way her older sister does and that makes it much less likely that teachers are going to recognize different needs.
I must admit that I've had a much harder time having positive feelings toward our girl x than you have yours. I probably already have a chip on my shoulder about my dd being overlooked for how special she is at school often and I have a really hard time not only with the rudeness and arrogance of our girl x, but also with how she talks down to my dd and acts as if she is stupid. While my dd recognizes the rudeness, she still takes it and doesn't call her out on it. She does, however, complain to me later so I know that she's seeing it. They, fortunately, see a lot less of each other than they did when they were younger.
We, like a pp, no longer have kids at the same schools so I do think that has helped as well. If your girls will be attending the same school long term, it might take a bit longer. We found that having social opportunities where our girl x was not part of the social scene also helped dd make good friends and see how good friends treated her and others. It made the contrast very evident when she'd then be at our girl x's house and seeing girl x hold court with her group of friends and dd.
Do you have any opportunities for your dd to do extracurriculars where she might form some bonds with the other kids and without girl x there?
