Somerdai, regarding "I had meant to ask more about this... DS and I do talk a lot about feelings and we have "what would have been a better response?" or "what should you do when you feel ____" type conversations. What strategies/dialogues did you use with your daughter? "
This post was longer but I tried to chop alot of it off...believe it or not. It’s still long! I'm just focusing on getting the child to talk about what's bugging him/her to develop a vocabulary about that.
I admit that I did not work on this when my DD was as young as your DS. Not until closer to age 4. Besides being extremely active and alert baby and having alot of issues around her hearing (certain noises and screechy or echoing environments) and head (extremely sensitive to hair brushing) she was a very happy toddler and tons of fun. She didn't have separation issues and never issues with food, though we found out through trial and error that she has bad behavioral reactions to all the artificial dyes in many foods, toothpaste, etc., so many kids’ things here in the U.S.
To answer your question about what I did when I started (and keep in mind she was older than your DD). A SENG webinar taught me to do something like “HALT” – to get the child’s attention right when they’re first agitated and say a few words to give them a choice of what they might be upset about. It’s to teach the child to
HALT meaning “Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired?” because those are sort of basic things that will break down many kids. The idea is that they should at least be comfortable with those basic needs first and then move on from there.
Maybe you could pick a few words that closely identify/describe what bothers your DS the most – like when he is having his separation issues, or what bothers him with the food. Maybe if it’s texture (I had a little cousin who was extremely sensitive about food textures) you could use non-food objects to teach him the words like “slimy” “rough” or whatever is the case. You'll have to fill in the "blanks" for the details of your DS.
The basic thing we’ve done with DD is 1) anticipate when she’ll have a problem due to patterns from previous experiences and give her the tools to deal with it...if it will be a noisy environment, she can wear those kid ear plugs or the food dye issues , to prepare an alternative. This works very well to give her the power of self-help and it makes her feel very confident that there are ways she can deal with situations and environments. Children’s birthday parties have been very challenging. If she goes, she has to deal with all these issues since they always seem to be at noisy, hyper environments and have horrible colored sugary food. If she doesn’t go, she misses out.
2) when she starts to act agitated, ask her those “HALT” words (whatever they are) and make everything stop until she stops and thinks about it and answers. TV can go off, she can be removed from any fun...you have to get their attention. Even if your words don’t spell “HALT” the idea is to STOP and make the child focus on what’s happening in their minds and bodies and put words to it so they can take steps to let you help them and eventually help themselves.
The first priority is to train them to stop and think and gather themselves together. It is a process, it takes time so you can’t expect instant results but you can look for indications of progress and celebrate those!
Once the child is really in a state, though, you just have to work with calming techniques and talk about it later. Ask them what happened, step by step. Try not to "lead the witness" by saying, "was it this, was it that?" (that is my weakness). The child might just pick one of your options if they want to move on and get out of this conversation and go have fun again. Make them say it.
You can read your sensory books about types of calming techniques and what would work with your DS with his particular sensory profile.
Of course, like I said, I didn’t do this when DD was age 2 so I don’t know what sort of alterations you would make, but you could think about it and work out a plan.
Like most things with children, consistency is extremely important. Things start to break down during family visits, traveling, anticipation of holidays : - ) but you do what you can.
It’s not easy to do all this and it takes alot of patience and time and optimism. This is my particular philosophy of how I want to raise my child. Everyone takes their own route. But I’m a very stubborn person and I always try again, believing this is best in the long run. Over time we’ve been making alot of progress and I’m pleased with how she is gaining self-control and self-advocacy skills. Of course she is 6 years older that your DS now, and I’ve endured lots of bad advice and rude comments, but the sooner you start the more time you’ll have for good results.
Also the “asynchronous development” issue is something you have to contend with. When the child’s intellect and emotional stages are very different. When the child gets upset it’s like they’re a very smart older person trapped in a little-kid body. It’s so hard for them. But the gap closes slowly over time. Age 8 is much better than 7, and 7 was better than 6, etc. etc.
Good luck. Believe in yourself : - ) Moms don’t always get enough pats on the back to compensate for the bad advice and judgments.
