Not sure what to title this one. It seems to be a female-specific thing, in a lot of ways.
I'm kind of stumped, and while usually DH and I can, between the two of us (both HG+ and vastly different from one another in terms of experience/disposition) come up with answers for parenting issues/developmental challenges with our 13yo PG DD; this is a tough one for both of us.
Problem is this; we do
not live in a large area. We like where we live, don't get me wrong. It leaves DD without much of a peer group, however.
She has friends. A few, I mean. She's fairly selective, and she's just genuinely NICE, which means that she doesn't go in for all of the typical backbiting girl gossip and drama at this age.
DD is now beginning to be interested in the opposite sex--- in "that" way. They are very clearly interested in HER, too. At least superficially, and if they notice that she's a girl to begin with... since she's one of those geek girls that hides in plain sight while they are all "just a bunch of guys." She's definitely a "pretty" girl, and she's socially like a candle flame, in that EVERYONE likes her. This grants her a social power which she
never abuses; honestly, I'd say that she's nearly incapable of doing it-- even when provoked pretty severely. She's very quietly charismatic. Unfortunately, in a young teen, this combination of things is a pretty intimidating package.
She loves books and music and theater... and math and science...and social justice... and political science... and she enjoys talking to other people who "get" those things, too. Frequently, this is
the adults running youth activities...Her problem is threefold:
a) most of her intellectual peers are MG- HG kids 3-5yrs her senior. At 13, this is obviously a HUGE problem, and she really doesn't find typical agemates anything like a "match" for herself. Oh, she likes most people well enough to be friendly, and in fact, she's socially good enough that even those that she actively DISLIKES would say that she "likes" them at least casually... but most of them would say that they are "good friends" with her and she wouldn't characterize things that way, if that makes sense.
b) even the handful of kids that she finds meet her standards for a romantic interest or close friendship (which usually means HG+, 2-4 years older, and with a certain set of quirky interests and sense of humor)... all too frequently wind up "intimidated" by her to the point that they engage in one-upsmanship and passive-aggression with her when she lets them get close-- which is problematic of course since that also means that she's given them enough emotional capital to HURT her with it.
c) her emotional needs for friendship are in a different league than many of her peers-- either intellectual peers or (most especially) agemates. She's in the market for safe-havens/soulmates. Shallow isn't going to cut it for her-- while she's not looking to "get serious" about anyone and recognizes the limitations of being 13, she's also not interested in most of the typical teen social interactions. She wants someone that can hang with her altruism and social awareness... and she keeps coming up empty-empty-empty.
This has
mostly been a problem with boyfriends. But it's also more than occasionally a problem with friend-friends, too. The older kids like her very well as long as she's willing to adopt a socially subservient position (pet/mascot). The younger kids like her fine, too-- but not in "that way" because she presents to most of them as really unattainable (and she is pretty emotionally unavailable since they don't interest her much).
DH doesn't really "get" what is happening here. I'm not sure that he CAN get it, honestly-- because his experience as a teen was as a bright and 'included' (jock) guy. He didn't NEED to be "not quite as bright" as his love interests at this age. Nobody
cared if he was smart, and it didn't carry a price socially. He's also just not as "nice" as DD is... heck,
I am not that nice, either.
My gut says that this is a matter of-- well, you know that tee shirt that says "Please let me be the person that my dog THINKS I am?" Well, it's like my DD has the problem that she is the dog, there. Only she can talk and people therefore feel that they have to "answer" for their sins to her.
It doesn't matter that she isn't judgmental about it-- in fact, if anything, that seems to make it worse.
DD is so exasperated by this.
Every boy she's interested in figures out that she's WAY smarter than they are... and then plays games with her or drops her because she's threatening, even when she isn't DOING anything to be that way... I mean, what is she supposed to do?? Pretend that she's "struggling" with AP Lit, too?? Play the damsel in distress? Do something nasty or passive-aggressive to a peer? She finds that ridiculously disingenuous, and she isn't willing to do it. This has become a problem even with the HG kids, I'm sad to say; they
think that it will be fine... but then they seem to realize that she's
really that person-- there's no exaggeration, no pretense... she really IS that smart, pretty, nice, etc. She really
does feel "too good" for them. At least that is what I think. Maybe I'm wrong and there's something that I'm missing, but I don't think so.
Naturally, she's deeply stung by these social rejections... and as often as not, bitterly disappointed in those peers who can't live up to-- well, whatever. She doesn't even get ANGRY (which, IMO, would be natural, since much of the time this kind of rejection is a bit socially humiliating); just sad/disappointed and hurt.
She sees herself as unlikable and unworthy in this respect, which I think is an unhealthy self-image to cultivate since I'm not convinced that it
is her. There's only so many "it was him, not me" that someone can find plausible-- and she's definitely reached that limit, and this has become "it MUST be me, since I'm what all of these situations have in common."
My fear here is that she'll eventually hit upon the solution that I know (from experience) works at least some of the time-- that if you're willing to play
certain games (
) , (some of) those older boys WILL stay interested in you.
I'm interested in the experiences/perspectives of others who have either lived through this themselves (because hey-- maybe my experience was unusually bad or something, I dunno)... or have parented/are parenting a girl through this stage.
I'd love to know what to say to her. So far, I've been trying to get her to view each relationship as a 'learning experience' and getting her to recognize 'healthy' versus 'unhealthy' relationship dynamics. It's just that it's starting to seem to her as though ALL of these relationships drift into the latter territory, and then it becomes a matter of "when to say that enough is enough" to abuse. I just
hurt for her, truly. She hears a lot of "yeah, my feelings for you have kind of...
evolved..."
(Meaning, it seems, that "I thought that I could handle it, but that was when I also thought that
nobody is REALLY that nice/smart/compassionate/unselfish; NOW, I'm just looking for ways to make you pay for how you make me feel about myself...")
