Thank you to all who have replied.
Yes, the boy-girl stuff is new within the past six months or so... but the rest seems to just be an acceleration of several other trends that have been present a long time. She just wants to "belong" so badly-- but she also wants it to feel authentic/real. And it doesn't.
I have to wonder if the turn toward romantic relationships isn't more about "this is a way to get the greater emotional intimacy that I'm needing" rather than true desire for romantic relationships-- because DD's boundary conditions on physicality there are REALLY hard-core and very very much on the tame side, even for 13yo's. Hand-holding is her limit.
That is, that DD craves social interaction with peers, but it always seems to turn to ashes on her because mostly her peers just aren't (developmentally, I think?) ready for those kinds of relationships (speaking just in terms of platonic friendships, even).
Not even the cognitive/academic peers, mostly. Those who are tend to be unwilling to see DD (3-5 years younger) in that light. DD only knows a tiny handful of other PG kids-- and doesn't really share a lot of interests with them. They identify primarily on the basis of being singularities in a social sense, which of course can be the basis of a casual friendship or cordial acquaintance, but isn't really the stuff of close friendship. KWIM?
She has a pretty narrow group of face-to-face social experiences/people to select from by virtue of virtual schooling. It's basically just a quartet of social activities, and two of them share the same (relatively small) group of kids.
There are also disability-related challenges which make switching/trying new activities very problematic... okay, even "harrowing" is probably not an exaggeration in some cases.
I had to laugh a little about finding adult mentors that she can relate to. Well, this may be part of the problem; she does know quite a few HG+ adult women... and most of them are loners who have finally given up on 'normal' social interactions with the world at large and settled on an intimate partner who "gets" who they actually are and accepts them that way. Her most significant role model (me) is probably part of the problem there.
I was hanging around with people who were 4-10 years older than I was by the time I was 15-- and eventually I married one of them at age 19, too. The problem was that while I was asynchronous... that also meant that I wasn't done maturing. It really is like being a space alien in a lot of ways.
I've never forgotten having my first spouse wearily interrupting me during some musing with; "You're a FREAK. You know that, right?" (What?? Don't most people wonder about the pre-Raphaelites whilst forgetting to shed a lab coat when meeting their spouse--late-- for dinner at a restaurant?) I mean, sure-- in a teasing/affectionate tone, that might have been one thing. But trust me when I say that this was someone who had known me for six years at that point, and there was NO endearment intended. The tone was one of utter disgust. Yes, in retrospect, this was the moment that I should have known that nothing could save that relationship.
Let's just say that spouse 2.0 would NEVER say that to me.
My DH and I have acquaintances-- and we have one another. We are our best friends. That may be why her template seems to be skewed toward friendships with this additional component. Make no mistake, we're NOT allowing "dating" at this age. No way, no how. Group activities without parental supervision? Well, yes-- in limited and very public venues, yes.
