Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Help with shy 8th grader

Hello,

First time poster, longtime lurker.

Our 8th grade son is a very bright kid who does extremely well in all subjects but really excels in math and science. He is also a very athletic kid who makes all of the top teams in the sports he plays. This obviously puts a lot of pressure on him and demands a lot of time.

While there are many areas of my son�s development that we need help with, the one that concerns me most is communication. He has always seemed immature for his age and this has caused many problems as you can imagine. He also seems hyper focused on things like college and grades which isn�t a bad thing, but he is still a 14 year old boy. We recently attended teacher conferences and while we were thrilled to hear how bright they thought our son is, the comments about not �really knowing him� or �he doesn�t say much in class� were the ones that resonated most.

I am an introvert. This has been something I have struggled with my whole life. While he is at a tough age hormonally and socially, I want to be able to put him in positions where he can gain confidence and step out of his comfort zone. His older sister is a junior in high school and very social but she doesn�t have the time of day for her younger brother at this point.

He is very social with his friends but many times in an awkward way. On the way home from his last basketball tournament he was asking his teammate about what college he wants to go to. His teammate was more interested in talking about the Golden State Warriors game the night before. With adults he often struggles to make conversation and usually gives robotic like yes or no answers to question asked of him. I see this with grandparents, coaches, teachers, etc. I know he has a lot to say because he does talk to his mom and dad.

Do you have any recommendations or suggestions for every day experiences that will help get him engaged in conversation specifically with adults? Also, any leadership and confidence building experiences that you�ve had that were positive?

Thank you for any suggestions,

Please start by not calling him "shy". As you, and probably 90% here, I'm introverted. The best thing my dad ever said to someone about me was, "Oh, he's not shy...". I understood immediately what he was saying. Huge difference. And, I've always been grateful for him to say that. When it comes down to it, I don't mind speaking up in a crowd if I have something to say. Other wise I keep to myself.

Seems like he might be ready to visit colleges if that's on his mind. Would be a good way to engage older folks too.

Thank you. I don't actually call him shy. I titled the thread that and probably shouldn't have.

My son is in a math program taken at our local university and I think that helps as it is taught much more like a college course than an 8th grade math class.

I guess I am just looking for suggestions to build confidence and bring him out of his shell a little. There is obviously nothing wrong with being introverted and it provides him many advantages. While my story is not his, I firmly believe that being put in more situations to build self confidence would have been a huge benefit for myself.

He struggles with anxiety and this is probably the root of the issue. The perfectionist trap is something we deal with in every aspect of his life. As much as I love that he is so into grades, colleges, etc, I do want him to enjoy his time as a kid too.

When I watch him talk with grandparents and other adults, it isn't that he doesn't have anything to say, it's more like he struggles with the act of conversation.

This is a frequent topic on the forums. You are not alone. Possibly something in this roundup on perfectionism and anxiety may be of help?

A few more links:
- post on perfectionsim
- another post on perfectionism
- post on anxiety

Everything you mention reminds me of my older boy. He is 2e....gifted and Aspergers.

The things I found helpful when he was younger

-intensive exercise (swim team and running) and learning progressive relaxation

Both of those helped with anxiety, and the team helped with social skills

-social stories

And exposure to common age appropriate pop culture items to talk about...in his case, books, movies (marvel movies plus others), some video games (but that was controlled so it didn’t get out of hand)...he had a few he was partial to....the legend of Zelda games and Mario games and a few more.

He would have been offended to go to a social skills class so I never could manage that. So time and experience just had to do its thing. Small talk when meeting new people is still really, really, really hard, but he puts all his effort into it.

Social skills are a frequent topic on the forum. Possibly something in this roundup on direct teaching of Social skills (body language, friendship, etc) may be of interest to anyone reading this thread...

- book: 100 social rules for kids (hat tip to sanne)
- direct teaching of non-verbal cues
- direct teaching of friendship
- direct teaching of perspective taking
- link to an article on the Davidson Database, Tips For Parents: Gifted Children's Friendships
- post with roundup of articles on friendship

Thank you Cookie and Indigo,

I have always wondered if he has Aspergers. He seems to share some traits while others are non existent or the polar opposite.

When the kids were younger, we would take them swimming often. Your comment reminded me that he did seem much more relaxed after swim time. I will try to coax him into some of the exercises you mentioned.

I want to be the greatest advocate for my son but I know I have been insensitive to his needs. He is wired very differently than I am and I struggle to find the right approach to help him. I know you have all been there before and I am so thankful that this forum exists.

Thank you again!

They don’t even dx Aspergers any more. But I think the same things can help no matter the diagnosis.

Yes, good point: As of DSM-5, there is no longer an Asperger's diagnosis as it became part of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Here is the CDC link on diagnosing ASD, and it contains this note:
As DSM-5 was released in May 2013, one can often tell whether the material one is reading is older than that (if it mentions Asperger's) or newer than that (if it mentions ASD).

Though Asperger's still exists in ICD-10, which is what Medicare (and most of the rest of the world) uses for coding.