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    #219282 - 07/08/15 08:45 PM 10year old perfectionist and testing
    Laurie918 Offline
    Member

    Registered: 11/10/12
    Posts: 83
    Loc: Redmond, WA
    We are going to Colorado in August to have more testing done because both doctors who tested our 10 yo twin girls didn't have confidence in their results-their words, not mine (sigh). We are going to see Dr. Silverman, who I trust gets 2e kids. Dr. Silverman's thoughts are that based on both of the girls scores we have so far, they are both profoundly gifted. The school disagrees so we are going to Colorado. One of our twins is an extreme anxious, perfectionist. We haven't told them we are going to Colorado for testing because one will pitch a fit at more testing. The other, the perfectionist, will bite her nails till they bleed. She is seriously an anxious kid who breaks down when she fails. Any thoughts on how we handle the communication? I suspect that being a perfectionist in this type of testing is not a good thing??? Any suggestions for calming her anxiety? Would it make sense to talk to our ped re: the anxiety part? We have spent so much money so far, we just want an accurate diagnosis so we can get them an appropriate education and then just move on. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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    #219285 - 07/08/15 09:11 PM Re: 10year old perfectionist and testing [Re: Laurie918]
    aeh Offline
    Member

    Registered: 04/26/14
    Posts: 3974
    Regardless of testing, if her anxiety affects her life significantly (and biting her nails until they bleed sounds like it would fit into that category), it may benefit her to seek treatment for the anxiety, not because anxiety is bad per se, but because she needs tools to put her in control of her anxiety, rather than the other way around.
    _________________________
    ...pronounced like the long vowel and first letter of the alphabet...

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    #219288 - 07/08/15 09:45 PM Re: 10year old perfectionist and testing [Re: Laurie918]
    Laurie918 Offline
    Member

    Registered: 11/10/12
    Posts: 83
    Loc: Redmond, WA
    Thanks aeh! I will call her ped in the morning and see if she can provide a referral to a counselor or appropriate resource

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    #219294 - 07/09/15 07:14 AM Re: 10year old perfectionist and testing [Re: Laurie918]
    polarbear Offline
    Member

    Registered: 09/29/11
    Posts: 3363
    Originally Posted By: Laurie918
    Dr. Silverman's thoughts are that based on both of the girls scores we have so far, they are both profoundly gifted. The school disagrees so we are going to Colorado.


    To be honest, I agree with spaghetti. I also think it's potentially risky to think that the school will openly accept testing from out of state, and I may be a bit cynical, but I think there are two potential ways for a third party to view the Dr. Silverman testing - you're looking at it as a way to get what you feel is a more accurate IQ and a better understanding of your children's strengths and weaknesses because Dr. Silverman's business is focused on giftedness and 2e. Another person might look at it as an attempt to get an inflated IQ or questionable diagnosis by going to a business where most kids tested come out with a high IQ and/or 2e diagnosis. I don't mean that with any disrespect to Dr. Silverman, just see that as a risk in putting down eval $ and travel $ for the eval.

    Re what to do about the anxiety, I'd second ash's suggestion.

    Best wishes,

    polarbear

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    #219295 - 07/09/15 07:19 AM Re: 10year old perfectionist and testing [Re: Laurie918]
    indigo Offline
    Member

    Registered: 04/27/13
    Posts: 4902
    If there is childhood perfectionism or anxiety, there are books which show readers how to free themselves from thought patterns which may not be serving them well. While insightful, these books are written gently for kids, in a style that is fun and engaging. Parents may wish to pre-read and decide if a resource may be a helpful tool for their child.

    This old post mentions some books on anxiety.

    A book which seems to understand perfectionism very well and which many find supportive is "What To Do When Good Enough Isn't Good Enough". Another book you might like is "Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good". Here is an article from the Davidson Database, Interview with Thomas Greenspon on Perfectionsim.

    Perfectionistic tendencies may be a sign of developing a fixed mindset rather than a growth mindset. One aspect or application is that gifted kids may stop taking appropriate risks in order to always be "right" or always be "smart" or never be "wrong", and this may work against them. The concept is nicely summarized in these youtube videos:
    Ashley Merryman & Po Bronson: The Myth of Praise (link- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xs9fddMg71o)
    Teaching a Growth Mindset (link- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXhbtCcmsyQ)

    Parents may wish to read the book Mindset by Carol Dweck for tips on promoting a growth mindset. It is based on years of research. Not that I agree with every idea/application, but on balance found a number of ideas to be useful.

    The mention of these books is not to detract in any way from other poster's suggestions of developing a relationship with a therapist.

    Because the previous testers specifically expressed that they did not have confidence in the prior test results, I would tend to lean toward more thorough testing with Dr. Silverman. It is possible that she may even be able to recommend a therapist in your area and that the new test results may be insightful for productive therapy.

    Unfortunately, in school and elsewhere, gifted kids may be subject to negative commentary born of myths about giftedness. Inflated and unrealistic expectations placed on gifted children may lead to, or fuel, anxiety and perfectionism. It is possible that with having a support team that understands, validates, and affirms their giftedness without undue pressure to perform, they will be able to create realistic goals and expectations for themselves, and become less vulnerable to other's expectations.

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    #219296 - 07/09/15 07:29 AM Re: 10year old perfectionist and testing [Re: Laurie918]
    Can2K Offline
    Member

    Registered: 06/25/14
    Posts: 226
    I agree with the therapy suggestion. DD10 is dealing with anxiety - we've tried many things - books, online videos (GoZen has a online course DD enjoyed), counseling.

    Unfortunately in our case, DD shut down during counseling and refused to go back. So I've been going myself, talking to the psych about the best ways to handle various situations. It's been enormously helpful - I now have tools to use and ideas of what to say or how to discuss things she's worried about.

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    #219297 - 07/09/15 07:35 AM Re: 10year old perfectionist and testing [Re: Can2K]
    indigo Offline
    Member

    Registered: 04/27/13
    Posts: 4902
    This is fabulous, your DD is fortunate to have you!

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    #219298 - 07/09/15 07:42 AM Re: 10year old perfectionist and testing [Re: Laurie918]
    indigo Offline
    Member

    Registered: 04/27/13
    Posts: 4902
    Originally Posted By: Laurie918
    bite her nails till they bleed.
    This old thread on deliberate self-harm resources may be of interest.

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    #219300 - 07/09/15 08:09 AM Re: 10year old perfectionist and testing [Re: indigo]
    Can2K Offline
    Member

    Registered: 06/25/14
    Posts: 226
    Awww thanks!

    It is great (albeit expensive) having this 'consulting' option - we found that standard anxiety advice in books was just not very helpful for our specific case. And as a result I never knew if I was saying or doing the right things.

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    #219305 - 07/09/15 09:42 AM Re: 10year old perfectionist and testing [Re: spaghetti]
    Val Offline
    Member

    Registered: 09/01/07
    Posts: 3296
    Loc: California
    Originally Posted By: spaghetti
    This may not be a popular comment, but I'd skip the testing for now. See if there's another way to get what the girls need without putting them through testing to prove their PGness.

    Why do they need the testing? Is it to get into a program that would benefit their educations? Is it to joint DYS? Is it to improve the level of the work they are doing in school? Whatever the reason for the testing, is there another way?


    I agree completely with this comment.

    I'll add that if it was ten-year-old me and I was told I was going to another state for one reason, got there, and was then suddenly told that the real purpose of the trip was to force me to do something that made me very uncomfortable to the point of biting my nails until they bled --- well, I would have seen that as a major betrayal. Honestly, I suspect that my feelings of betrayal would have affected my test scores, too.


    Edited by Val (07/09/15 09:59 AM)
    Edit Reason: Wording

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