Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Hola and question regarding "fairness"

With my son, the challenge often stems from his perfectionism and his literal interpretation of the rules which leads to very black and white thinking and the summation that others are breaking the rules and should be stopped. If we allow our kids to believe this kind of thinking is legitimate, it sets them up for a difficult future of feeling out of control of their own destiny, since we will never get everyone around us to play by our interpretation of the rules.

That isn't to say we ignore injustices or accept the status quo. The very visible women in technology movement is one such instance where not accepting business as usual is important. But even in that one movement, if women fought against every incidence of unfairness, it would paralyze the movement's momentum.

So our job as parents is to help our kids learn to discern the difference between extreme interpretations of fairness that are not reasonable or sustainable and how to cope within imperfect systems.

When my son comes home upset about some unfairness that occurred, I ask a lot of leading questions - do you think they understood the rules, do you think they all interpreted the rules the same way you did, did the teacher see them and get after them, were you the only one upset by the way they were doing it, etc. I try to help him discern if he was the only one perceiving things differently. If so, i help him. Understand he is the one who has to adjust his reactions. And sometimes through the process, he comes to the conclusion that the behavior was wrong and needs to be reported to an authority figure. Then we talk about what will happen when he reports it and how he should approach the issue. I try to help him predict the consequences of his choices not only for himself but for everyone involved. Through additional conversation, sometimes he'll decide the consequences are not worth the decision to tell someone in authority; other times he will decide it is important enough that the consequences will have to be accepted. And, if he is way off base, I interject more forcefully. Otherwise, I just help him through the process.

This approach has started to pay off. More often now, he is able to have this process as an internal dialogue. A couple of years ago, that would have never happened.

Teaching children to be strong enough to stand up to injustice is very different than enabling poor me thinking.

Life is not fair. Learning to accept that is very different than ignoring injustice. I've seen kids whose parents entire focus is on protecting them from the unfairness of life, and that can be just as paralyzing as parents who don't teach kids that they have power over their own circumstances to make changes for the better.

I don't quite see this working for too many gifted kids. For the same reasons these kids get into trouble at school and other places. They don't just take simple answers as a given. They want answers that make sense to them. At least mine would blow up over this. He needs to reason about things so he can understand them. Once he understands, he's fine.

The lesson to be learned here is that there will always be things that are outside of your or anyone else's control. Whether or not they are wrong or right makes not even the slightest difference - you have to deal with it.

As stated, your mileage may vary - I am just stating something that worked for me with my DS :^)

OBVIOUSLY - I neither condone nor encourage my daughter to accept injustice.

If mine gets stuck I say, "well, what do you want to do?" The answers are possible or not.

I find the "Life isn't fair" aphorism to be glib and annoying. It strikes me as an excuse people use to justify bad behavior (like promoting toxic mortgage-backed securities, for example).

However, I've found that I can block the aphorism by saying, "Thus-and-such isn't RIGHT" or "Thus-and-such is WRONG." In my experience, most people who are willing to smugly tell me that life isn't fair are less enthusiastic about condoning practices that are demonstrably wrong (like promoting toxic mortgage-backed securities, for example).

In the OP's situation where lots of kids are bending rules, I would probably try to encourage seeing the big picture. For example, when I'm in a similar situation, I tell myself or one of my kids, "Yes, these people aren't following the rules precisely. However, there are also times when I/you don't follow the rules precisely [example, example]. Sometimes people use their judgment. You may not agree with what that person is doing, but you do have to admit that you do the same thing. And other people might not agree with your decision."

So the question becomes, "When can 'wrong' actions be overlooked and when is it time to speak up?" Of course, this is a tough question to answer, but I think it gives a thoughtful child (or adult, in my case) something to think about. And it also encourages the person to think about his or her own rule-bending decisions.

This is kind of what I do. I tell my two that you can't control how other people act - but you CAN control how you react to it. Then we talk about how you need to save your energy for the important battles - the ones in which you can actually make a difference. You can choose to stay upset about something you can't change and end up stressed out, or you can let it go and save your energy for something you can change.

Sometimes it works... sometimes they just stay upset, lol. They're still young.

You know how most people expect better behavior out of gifted kids because they talk better? I think this is like that. People think it's ok to let the good smart kids think they should judge what other people are doing, (or else how can they think for themselves, I guess the logic goes). (or maybe the logic is I see no way to stop it, and technically the kid's right). So the adult answers usually fall into "you're right I'll fix it." or "You're right but life's not fair, deal with it."
My answer is more in line with the bumpersticker "quit yer bitchin' and start a revolution". I guess my answer is that I file it under complaining. Why are you complaining? I hate complaining. We all complain a lot anyway (me, the hubby, and the kids).
Sure you can have opinions or gossip with the adults about other children, but don't get upset that you are not in charge of the other children because those are not your children and you are not their mother. Again, ALWAYs tell and get attention if somebody's going to get hurt or break something. But other than that focus on the things that you have control over and you'll have your hands full enough with just that.
My son believed me when I told him this about the other kids, but I can't get him to understand that this applies to his sister too. He still wants to manage her behavior. He and I argue about that very thing all the time. I yell, "How is SHE ever going to learn to listen to ME if YOU don't leave her alone and let me and her work it out?!" I'm so mad about that. It's very frusterating. I think he's just as mad that it looks like his sister's getting away with something. How can I discipline her anyway if he's right in the middle of it, center of attention, as always. And you parents know disciplin is not a two-second on the spot thing, it takes a few minutes to play out. For example if I say "Stop" she needs at least a few seconds to choose to stop or not. We need a few moments for her to understand that I mean what I say. We need several instances for me and her to work out the dynamics. I tell him, give your sister some room to get in trouble. You never give her a chance to get in trouble.
(crazy arguement, huh?)
Hopefully that analogy shows you how, in a way, the coach is right and your kid is wrong. In another way the coach is just doing a less than stellar job and your kid's calling him on it, but that's not the most productive fact to grab from the events.

By melting down your kid is hogging the opportunity to act foolish and not letting any else have a turn at being the biggest fool. What's more, since gifted have a rich inner life this meltdown and acting foolish might be only playing out inside her head. You never said if the meltdown is on the field, but I'm suspecting it's only happening verbally afterwards with the context clues "super angry" and "therapist" I'm not envisioning two year old temper tantrums, but a more wordy and sophisticated version of the same feelings.

I don't know if I should even post this because I'm unsure if it's helpful or even relevant, it's just thoughts. That's one trait my thoughts have is always drawing parallels between unconnected issues. Out of all the gifted traits lists I've read, that's the one that sticks out like the biggest sore thumb on me.

I think that gifted children are far more sensitive to 'fairness' issues because they see themselves being treated differently by others so it is a very direct experience. Coupled with a mind that is constantly set to over analytical overdrive means that this is an easy mental vortex to fall into.

It is one that I remember only too well from my childhood. Eventually, I learned that the World is an imperfect place and that it is imperfect in such an infinity of ways that it isn't worth obsessing about.

Please don't see my original post and flippant - far from it - the 'vortex' caused me a great deal of stress, conflict and unhappiness as a child. I made efforts to 'straighten things out' when my DD began to fall into the pattern of over analysing whether or not every single thing was fair.

Am I the only 'POGO' that gets 'flashbacks' to their own childhoods when they read about the experiences of other gifted children from other parents and see their own offspring going through a lot of the things that they themselves went through?

No you are not the only one who gets flashbacks. That is of course part of the problem. We want so much for our children to have an easier time of it than us.

I don't protect my children from unfairness, I sympathise and ask them if it is something that needs to be addressed or something that won't matter much in a few days. Sometimes I just say yes it is very unfair and it must be really upsetting for you but there is really nothing we can do to change it - how do we stop it happening again.