Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Hola and question regarding "fairness"

Hi everyone, I have 2 kids that have been both identified as gifted based on lots of testing by independent psychologists as well as their schools. They both attend a gifted school too which really helps because they are very engaged and challenged which means they are not bored!

One of my kids (10 year old) has anxiety and adhd. She is on medication. She is also obsessed with fairness and equality. She plays soccer and when the coach gives out the rules for a drill she gets super angry that the other kids are not following the directions perfectly. Then she perseverates to her coach and to me afterwards "that it is not fair". Well this is starting to cause a problem for her coach because it is perceived as a behavior issue to him.

I need help with this issue because her hyperfocusing on "fairness" all of the time dominates her life and her relationships, she doesn't just do it about soccer.

Any ideas or anyone else out there have experience with this type of obsession? I call it an obsession because it really is.

Hey, thanks for reading my post and I appreciate that this forum exists.

I'm of the mind that it is easier to adjust the filtering than it is to manage the reactions.

Fairness and eqaulity are complex subjects. Maybe she needs to explore it more deeply and philosophically? I'd suggest reading or seeing "Harrison Bergeron" because it has fun with some potentially relevant concepts. Also the topic of justice can be key, because sometimes something isn't fair at a superficial level, but is just because it self-corrects; e.g. the person who follows the rules in practice will more improve in skill and will likely be better trusted later to do what is right.

I'm soooo not an expert on this, so what I have to offer up is only a random thought, but here goes fwiw! I have one child who struggles with anxiety, and another child who is possibly the least anxious person who ever walked the planet. My dd who struggles with anxiety will get caught up in the "fair vs unfair" mindset quite a bit, whereas my non-anxious dd will also get caught up in it *occasionally* and typically when things are causing her a bit of stress. So I would look at the situation with your dd and ask - does your dd's extreme sense of fairness/etc crop up in stressful situations or is it present when all is calm and everything's a-ok? If it seems to be related to higher stress situations, then perhaps you can deal with it by helping her think through the situation, what's tipping off the stress, help her figure out a way to diffuse the stress etc.

I realize it can also be a circular thing - stress leads to anxiety leads to heightened sense of fair/not-fair etc, leads to more stress.

I also might consider short-term counseling for your dd too - we've found that short-term counseling can be very helpful for specific types of situations like this.

Best wishes,

polarbear

This is a very normal behavior. Your DD has standards of behavior that are significantly higher than her peers, and she's obsessing over the failure of others to meet her standards. It's a manifestation of perfectionism. You can tell, because if you substituted the word "perfect" for "fair" when she complains, the complaint would still make sense. You even used the word "perfectly" when you explained the situation, so you're already aware of the real nature of the problem.

One way to alleviate this kind of anxiety is to remind her that the behavior of other kids is someone else's problem, not hers. In this case, the problem is the coach's. If the coach decides to address the problem, or ignore it, that's his choice.

Above all, don't worry about things you can't control. Just go out and play, and have fun.

Depending on the sport, if she continually shows an ability to take instruction that's above her peers, the coaches will take notice, which can lead to more playing time, better positions, etc. But being seen as a complainer won't help.

We had the same issue with DD10 a couple of years ago, but she has figured out that it doesn't do her much good to complain about all of the "injustices" she sees everyday. So, she has decided that she will let them slide most of the time. This said however, when she has melt downs, that is always the first thing she goes to - how nothing is fair and no one follows the rules and why doesn't anyone make them etc etc etc.
When this happens we spend a lot of time justifying her feelings and trying to get her to see that others may not actually think that they are "breaking the rules" or doing anything wrong. We use the "take a deep breath" and think about the appropriate level of response to the unfair situation. If it warrants a response, then she can make it, otherwise she needs to let it go. (Easier said than done some days.)

WOW....I am so happy all of you responded with so much knowledge and more importantly a perspective different than mine. I can't tell you how much it actually helps me to understand more about what is going on in her world. I am going to come back to this thread when I get back from taking her to soccer .

I think I have a better understanding of what types of conversations I should be having with her.

I have a degree of this problem too. When my son said something wasn't fair the other day another adult told him "life isn't fair". That attitude makes me see red. If something isn't right surely we should be trying to fix it not just shrugging and passing by.

We experienced the same behavior with our eldest, starting out in soccer / baseball as well. As has been previously mentioned, use your child's intellect to advantage by examining the concepts of "fair" and "equal" as well as how much in life isn't fair or equal and that will always be. Perhaps the the thing that helped the most is to help our child realize that while we can't control the whole world and make it fair, what we can control is how we react and deal with things being unfair and when they are, to what degree and whether it justifies an immediate response, a thoughtful measured response, or if the unfairness is minor enough to simply let it pass without response.

If it helps any, my eldest is now a college Freshman and has thanked us numerous times for teaching him "Life isn't fair" and how to deal with it as he learns that it only becomes more so as one ages.

It may sound harsh but here is how I handled it when it all had to be 'fair' when my daughter was about 5 or so. Your mileage may vary (I am not tall) but adjust to fit...

I told her:-

Life isn't fair - I wanted to be taller

It stopped.

Life isn't fair but accepting unfairness uncritically will result in more unfairness. I agree with working on differentiating between degrees of unfairness is a good thing but to say you must accept unfairness and can do nothing can result in learned helplessness (personal experience).