You have gotten a lot of good insight and ideas here.
I read this post during a 2 minute internet break earlier today, and was struck by how this is some of the same conversation we are having in our house, only not so painful.
DD, who turned 4 over Christmas break, has been asking, "Mama, why don't they play with me?" after a play date. We wonder why she does not pal around with the other girls her age at preschool. "They don't want to play." We got 2 babysitters to watch five of our kids while we all had dinner, and they said our DD went around trying to ignite play, but the others all played independently. I just assumed it was a personality difference.
DD's best friends are 11 and 6 and adults. Her 11 year old friend is an actor at heart, so the two of them march around acting out plots and inventing scenarios. They dress up, wear face paint, build sets and have props. It gets very elaborate. I frankly don't do that kind of thing well. DH is awesome at it.
My 80 year old mother was here for two weeks and DD would take her into the bedroom, shut the door, and keep her there, pretending to ride all over the place on the subway (has DD ever been on a subway? no) for hours. Like, 8 hours a day! My mother (the trooper) couldn't believe it, but she put up with it.
I can't hack all the pretend stuff but DD is begging me to play with her. So we play UNO and Yahtzee, draw, cook, and read. I just got a science and biology book that I'm enjoying immensely and sharing with her. And I put my old make up on her and we discuss God. Always fun to contemplate the Big Bang Theory and God while in drag queen make up.
Anyway, I wanted to suggest
A. my daughter commute to play with your daughter, because when I mentioned your post to DH at the dinner table, DD chimed in and said, "I'LL PLAY WITH HER!"
B. You find a creative person of any age, or acting group, for her to play with,
C. You connect her with a senior who has a deep love for children.
These suggestions aren't ideal, but I'm just thinking about your community.
I really agree with the observations about perfectionism in her. And Grinity's point about having a child who can articulate the angst that plagues the raw, underdeveloped nervous system of a preschooler is not for the faint of heart. And about how long it takes any of us to find a perfect friend.
