Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion My 5yr. old is angry... and i dont understand her.

I've never had your problem, but I've had your daughter's.

First, let me say that you are ABSOLUTELY on the right path with showing willingness to explain yourself and discuss your decisions and how they make your daughter (and you) feel. I'm not a parent, but as a teacher and a person I find myself on the verge of crying and/or screaming in frustration every time I hear someone suggest that any adult has the right to expect a child to obey them without question. To expect such a thing is both demeaning (since it suggests children are not thinking, feeling people in their own right) and incredibly demanding (since such sacrifice of one's own free will runs counter to all instinct).

It's obvious and right that a child who feels they're being treated that way will rebel. In the average parent-child relationship, if this happens at all, it's during the teenage years, but with gifted kids, it can strike at any time, because their sense of self, their moral decision-making, and their understanding of relationships develop at unpredictable times and rates. It started with me around age nine, and I fought a continuous battle with my mother for the next seven years because she was unshakable in her belief that "a parent shouldn't have to explain herself". It sounds like the problem might be even worse for your DD than it was for me, because as you've related, her mind is running ahead of her language and she's got thoughts she can't express. At least I could form my arguments and get them out of my mouth. But maybe if you keep talking to her the way you did in this incident, you'll help her develop her ability to talk about concepts like this.

My rule for dealing with my kindergarteners is this: whatever the issue is, talk to them about it, and assume they will be able to understand unless they prove otherwise (in which case, it's "one of those things you have to do for now, but we can talk about it again"). Be prepared for bargaining and attempts to out-logic you, and be willing to step down if the logic turns out to be better than yours.

I also second no5no5's advice to let her be alone if she wants to be. And as for the knife, ColinsMum is right - for something like an apple, I would let her use a sharp knife because it's easier. Alternatively you could let her use the dull knife for cutting softer things (butter, cheese, muffins) and "graduate" her to sharper knives and tougher foods when she proves she can control the dull knife.