I found the things I thought DS most enjoyed and threatened to take them away if the behavior continued. And then I followed through when it did.
Ditto. With DD4 it was gymnastics. When I followed through and didn't let her go one day because of a behavior issue, it was a big turning point. Some of it is figuring out the child's "currency." What is it he really values and will work to preserve?
We also have done an emotional response scale with DD6. It's described here
http://giftedkids.about.com/od/socialemotionalissues/qt/emotion_coping.htmThis helped us figure out that reading a favorite book "Harold and the Purple Crayon" helps her regain control. Things that seemed like an 8 became a 3 after taking some time to read. Maybe you can help your son find something that works for him and talk to the teachers about allowing him to try it at school.
I also read books to my daughters by Lynne Namka. They helped give us language to talk about what's going on: ouchies, grouchies, sad, mad, confused, ashamed, etc.
http://www.angriesout.com/None of these are magic fixes and I wish I had one for you. Hopefully some of this may be useful for your family.
