Fabulous insight, thanks for sharing.
As a parent you now have control over the choice in norms which you set for your son, including alerting him to when different modes of communication and word choice may tend to be most effective.
I love discussing this stuff. it is fascinating to me. And yes to all of Eco's points above!
Eco mentioned
Ruby Payne, are you familiar with her work? It may be of interest to you.
I said grumpily and exasperatedly "I hate that I need a card for every store I shop at - it's ridiculous..." and my husband was very taken aback... At first, I wasn't sure why and then he told me "hate" is an offensive word and certainly shouldn't be used near small children! Uh, really? In this context? Just odd to me.
Might children benefit from learning more precise words for various degrees of dislike and disappointment? For example, in this case the card may have been "inconvenient", or clutter, or more work than it was worth.
In-laws are big proponents of the sandwich approach and always tip-toe around coming out and saying they are unhappy with anyone or anything.
Many people try to find the balance, acknowledging both the good and the bad. As new facts and information are gathered, a person's vantage point may change. Focusing on facts and information may provide the freedom to change one's view easily, and not feel locked in or in defense of an idea which may no longer be relevant or true.
my sister-in-law will brutally cut a person down or insult him/her but as long as she does it with a smile and "nicely"
This may be "relational aggression", a form of bullying often described as occurring among girls. Many people find the books by
Rosalind Wiseman insightful: the best known may be
Queen Bees and Wannabees, and
Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads.
watch out if you directly call her out on her unkindness
If you avoid the "common cognitive errors" listed in the article in formulating your response, you should be fine.
