Awww! I feel for you! I wish I had solutions for everything you listed, but I only have a few ideas for food. Even if what I suggest is completely redundant to what you already do, I hope the bento forks at least give you a smile. smile

A way to build some of the strength and dexterity of using a fork could involve eating bites from pre-loaded bento forks. These are just one (adorable!) example:
http://www.allthingsforsale.com/ben...ute-animal-fork-8-pcs-4904705159437.html

You probably already do this, but formed foods (fruit cubes, sliced meat) can be eaten kebab-style off pre-loaded bamboo skewers, which gives her an opportunity to practice handling an implement without requiring undue hand strength.

If you want to have her help prepare cutting the foods you're pre-loading, she can use a mezzaluna with two hands. The motion is forgiving and can rely heavily on force from the back and shoulders. Maybe pre-cut tranches of soft foods, like melons and cooked meat, as a point of departure.

Sending many hugs and lots of sympathy your way.

What is to give light must endure burning.