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On Being "Too Much" to the Right of the Curve

By Former SENG Director Heidi Molbak

Each month a different member of the SENG team describes a personal passion in the realm of social and emotional needs of the gifted.

When I took my first statistics class, I thought about the bell curve in a new way; I was saddened but comforted. There on the page of my textbook was a pictorial representation of the struggle and isolation of giftedness. I saw IQ scores above 130 off to the right, scores of 145 even further to the right, and over 160 so far "out there" that the term "outlier" seemed an understatement. The percentage of the population that scored over there on the far right was so small, and the percentage of the population to the left of 130 seemed huge and daunting.

No wonder. No wonder the need for connection with others can be hard to meet among gifted people. No wonder many gifted children cannot find friends in high school who share their passion for medieval history, black holes, and writing. No wonder it's so hard to find other third graders who feel overwhelmed with emotion when they see a painting, hear a piece of music, or discover Fibonacci numbers.

But we are comforted at the same time because the bell curve on the textbook page showed us why gifted people struggle to find understanding with so many people. There are fewer people who experience life from the same lens as a gifted person. Humans crave the feeling that comes with knowing someone else "gets" them. We all want that friend who finds our jokes funny and clever, shares our same level of concern about global warming, and has the same level of intensity that we do.

Often gifted individuals are "too much" for the people who surround them in their daily lives. And they know this because they are told as much on a frequent basis. Their thoughts, feelings, and ideas do contribute significantly to humankind. It's just that humankind doesn't always let them know how much they are appreciated.

You can love someone in your life whose intensities are strong by showing them through words that you accept them just the way they are.
You're not too much for me, honey. You're just right!
Learning to manage your intense feelings, thoughts, and ideas is a big job. It takes a lot of work and a lot of loving yourself. I'm there alongside you as you go on this journey.
There may be fewer children who enjoy the same things you do, but we can find kindred spirits together through hobbies, online interest groups, and mentors.
The thrill that comes with intense learning and excitability is a rush to be enjoyed!
Finding people who get you and who don't find you "too much" is challenging when the pool of people is smaller over on the right of the bell curve. Give the gift of love and acceptance to the gifted people in your life. It will last longer than roses and taste sweeter than chocolate.


Heidi Molbak served on the SENG Board of Directors for two years (2008 - 2009). She has carefully guided her sons through the gifted "obstacle course" to meet their social and emotional needs in addition to intellectual and artistic appetites. Heidi has supported her children through twelve schools in five states and two countries, and has even run her own small school from home. She has experience with many types of schools - public magnet, independent, public charter foreign-language immersion, one-room multi-age, boarding, and home schools. Heidi is completing a Masters in Counseling at Loyola University New Orleans in addition to working part-time as an educational consultant helping families to find good boarding school matches for their children.