I wanted to provide an update that thanks to the outstanding advice and support in this thread, we are in a much better position with S1. Picking up where the post left off, we:

1. Ordered a full OT evaluation. Developmental Coordination Disorder was highly evident in his scores. He also had lot of emotional intensity around performance.

Based upon the feedback from the full OT evaluation, we pursued:

2. Weekly vision therapy (including daily practices).

3. Weekly appts with two OT providers: one focused on social and school-related skills (worksheets, games, turn-taking, losing with grace), the other on vestibular/oculomotor coordination (he continues his daily practice even now - six months after we switched to school-based OT).

4. Weekly 1.5hr group social skills class.

S1 also continued weekly CBT therapy for anxiety (entering 3rd year).

While most special needs school rejected S1, were extremely fortunate that one with an outstanding reputation for working with bright, college-bound kids with special needs in the emotional/social arena accepted him for the school's entry year, (and the state will pay tuition). We are a long ways away, but the school has a middle school and high school attached to which he is admitted if he remains in good standing. He has swim lesson in school 2x week and (grudgingly) takes drumming in band class. It is a very, very long commute (1.5 hrs each way) and I now have a part-time job keeping S1 stocked up with fresh books to read (mostly middle and YA sci-fi). Thank goodness he's very content to read and does not need electronics. So far..

He's been a student at this school for five months and the change is profound.

He's the same old insatiably curious, talkative, bookwormy aspiring inventor of spaceships and biospheres -- but he's completely HAPPY and AT EASE in school and at home. He has a streak of several months of school without any problematic behavior reported. He still needs a homework buddy (when he has homework, which has dialed down considerably) to prompt him with next steps and ensure he stays focused on-task, and he is still not independently managing his time and efforts, but that we now working on these executive function skills is itself a miracle. Aggressive behavior - gone. Negative talk - gone. He has demonstrated good self-advocacy, taking to me about a problem and suggestion a solution, asking my advice (for example, he didn't like some motivational clip his teachers showed on the smartboard before they did math worksheets - so he asked it he could ask the teachers to do the worksheets without the clip, I said it was a good idea, he self-advocated and the teachers agreed with his plan.)

Now that he is emotionally settled, I'm gingerly looking into his academics to see where some supplementing might be helpful (math, typing). I'm also thinking about how I can keep up the intense therapeutic support. He will be attending a special needs camp for 7 weeks this summer, with a 2:1 camper to counselor (mostly psych PhD students) ratio to work on social and emotional skills, school skills, and playing team sports.

I am very glad we did not medicate him to control the behaviors (as we were advised). Medication has been a godsend for many, but for us it would have not have addressed underpinning disabilities.

Again, I thank from the bottom of my heart everyone -- especially @polarbear and @aeh -- for their kind and unstinting help when I was in crisis. Much work to do, but we are on a different trajectory now.

Thank you.