Some questions. When he was my son's age (young elementary):
Was your ds always been able to complete work independently? For example, homework? If so, was he able to complete it within a reasonable amount of time?
No. He participated in any kind of experiential project work - which there was a bit of in the school he was in, but other than that he completed very little work. At school he spent most of his time looking off into space or staring at his paper if written work was required. He attempted to complete the quick math facts practice (had to write 20 equations in 2 minutes), but never completed more than maybe 5 or 6, and was never able to move "up" in mathematical difficulty because he wasn't writing enough equations down within the time limit. Homework came home in packets of worksheets, all of which seemed like they should be easy for him, but he protested, through fits, screamed, tore up his sheets of paper, never got past page 1 of any of his packets. We were hopelessly clueless as parents, because we could see how "easy" the work seemed to be, we knew how intelligent he was based on the thoughts and ideas he shared with us, and there was this huge disconnect.. so we unfortunately ignored it thinking he was just annoyed that the work was too easy.
Has ds always respected authority? Would he talk back or argue with teachers? Would he disregard rules or "opt out" of participating in classroom activities?
Our ds has, but that's part of his innate personality. I'm not sure "respect" is the technically correct term, he's always felt it's better to just give in and accept the situation he's in, rather than fight back. He did, however, opt out in other ways - by giving up primarily. He was too scared to let anyone know he couldn't do what the other kids were doing, or that he didn't understand what he was supposed to be doing, so he just gazed off into space and didn't participate. I have a younger dd who is also 2e, and she's a totally different personality - she doesn't want anyone anywhere to ever know that there's anything of any type she can't do, so she's stealth on the challenges and erupts like a volcano when things don't work for her.
Was he able to make and keep friends? Play with new kids at a playground? Have playdates and maintain a friend's interest/"host" them (rather than slip into parallel play)?
This was the hardest part of elementary school for *me*, because I have younger dds who are very social, and I'm an extrovert. DS had two friends in kindergarten that were friends basically by default - one was a girl who thought ds was really cool because he was obviously smart when he talked, the other was a boy who also didn't really fit in and who's mom needed me to take care of while she was working at least one day a week. As ds moved on past 2nd grade, those friends (both nt) made other friends and expanded their social circles, and ds was left with basically no friends. His expressive language disorder made it extremely difficult for him to understand how to communicate and participate in typical elementary school playground and classroom situations. We didn't realize the extent of his expressive language challenges until he was (ironically) old enough to explain them to us... which was in 4th grade. We weren't able to get help through his school, so we found a private SLP who he worked with from 5th - 8th grade, and that helped him make huge progress.. but it was also slow progress. Changing schools around this same time helped too, because we were able to find a school where his teachers specifically mentored him and the curriculum supported him in a way to support development of his expressive language skills. The other students were much more open and wanted to be friends with him, so that in turn gave him more opportunities to basically learn how to be a normal kid (who still doesn't talk a lot) around other kids. The other thing that helped him as he moved through middle school and high school was finding a hobby he is truly passionate about - it gave him a way to be himself, which helped tremendously with self confidence.
Back to when he was your ds' age - he really didn't play with other kids when he was around them. We did playdates (orchestrated by parents) but they always involved going somewhere and doing something specifically to keep my kids and the other kids entertained (I have three kids so it's usually crowded around here...) DS was notably different from my dds in that my girls loved to have friends come over and just play - dolls, house, make videos, cook, play games, draw together, whatever... they did a lot of pretend play. DS, otoh, worried a lot and experienced stress over having a potential playdate because he "didn't know what to do".
My son can do homework independently but it seems to take 5x? 10x? the time it should, and he needs incentives like baked treats. Having me sit by his side nagging him doesn't seem to help speed things up much and actually can sour us both.
It sounds, from what you've written, that your ds probably needs help in some other way to get through his homework. If he has a learning challenge, and that's what's causing the long time it is taking to get through his homework, it's never going to get quicker or easier by offering treats or just sitting with him - he'll need remediation or accommodations that address what the true challenge is. Remember I mentioned my ds tearing up his homework papers and not doing anything in class? The reason was he's dysgraphic (issue #1) and he didn't know how to answer open-ended questions due to his expressive language disorder (issue #2). We started scribing right away after we found out he was dysgraphic, (he told me his answers and I wrote them out), and that made it possible to get through his homework - in approximately the amount of time the homework was *supposed* to take to complete. It didn't help with the open-ended questions, but it made it very obvious that the reason homework took so long was the handwriting, not the actual work.
Today he uses keyboarding exclusively, and the only homework that takes longer than nt kids is math (because he finds using the computer for math also time-consuming) and writing (because he is still very slow with expressive language and open-ended questions).
My ds has little regard for authority. He will argue/talk back to teachers, and even say rude, hurtful things if he is upset. Going to the principal's office doesn't register as a big deal.
That sounds very much like my youngest dd
Worse, he "opts out" of almost the entire school day. As in, when given a worksheet will just say no thanks. We do the worksheets he refuses to do at school at home. He does not join the class on the rug, he often opts out of recess. All he wants to do all day is read.
Do you know how he's feeling on the inside? What happened with our ds was that he was opting out, and even though he wasn't having outward signs of behavioral issues, inside he was horribly anxious about everything and became very depressed. He seemed ok for a long time at home, but eventually what was happening at school became just too much.
Every year a parent will approach me and say, "Oh, your ds's mom! My son/daughter loves him!" And yet. When we've had kids over for playdates, ds will lose interest after some period of time (about an hour) and "lose himself" in his legos. Or start building something without involving the friend. If I intervene and try to encourage hosting, he can get upset (making it very uncomfortable for the friend).
I'm so sorry you're having such struggles with school placement. The only advice I can offer there is to realize that an answer now isn't necessarily the answer long-term, things can change from year to year. Try to take it all one step at a time (as much as possible), then move on to what you can tackle next.
Clearly he needs a special needs educational environment and lots of explicit teaching of basic social mechanics. He needs teachers trained to find out 'the why' when he struggles and help him build skills.
He needs teachers who care enough to try to find out the "why" - but I think the first thing he needs is more info from a professional on the "why" - what's really fueling his behaviors, is there an undiagnosed learning challenge? It's possible that a sped environment is what he needs, or it might be possible he needs some other type of environment. It's really tough to know until you understand what's going on that's truly driving the behaviors. I'll also add that, for kids with high intellectual abilities... it's tricky. You already know that
Having access to classwork that was at his intellectual level was key for our ds to actually make progress with the remediation work he needed to do to get past his challenges. I'm typing in a hurry and that sentence probably doesn't make sense... but it was really key.
In the meantime, we've reached out to his psychologist with a very straightforward request to use the new information in the neuropsych eval to help us identify the treatment priorities.
You're on the right path - I hope the psychologist has some insight for you.
Best wishes,
polarbear
