Thank you all for your responses! I should emphasize that this really isn't unlike him. And we traditionally have a very hard transition into the school year. For a few years he saw a therapist just at beginning of the school year to help with the transition. For years I felt like he verged on clinical depression, listless, not smiling, from August through September...but then by October he'd get into the routine and have a great and happy school year. He puts a lot of pressure on himself, and always has trouble getting into the routine of schoolwork - and certainly entering high school doesn't help. He has not wanted to see the therapist again in recent years - and last school year was actually a fabulous transition, but he was an 8th grader and very secure and well established at the middle school.
In some ways this year is better than some years we've had in the past. He has the meltdowns, but usually recovers within 30-45 minutes, and often is fine and happy after that. In fact, even last night he pointed out to me how quickly he had recovered from the sobs into smiles.
NotherBen, I think you are right on about the release. That said, though, I think I will check in again with him on the therapist and see if he wants to go back.
I was also thinking that it might help if I got more proactive about the situation. I'm thinking about yes, syoblrig, telling him this is not working for our family. Now, he doesn't respond well to threats (like saying do it again and you're done with band) - but he does do well with interaction and conversation and planning together. So tell him we need to come up with a plan to help him unwind without the meltdown. Maybe one part could be me bringing a good treat/snack in the car - a banana muffin or something - for him to eat right away. (Yes, I think blood sugar plays a role! But sometimes he claims he doesn't want to eat when he gets home!) Then figure out a definite plan for when we get home - for example, I don't want to hear ANYTHING about the evening - because at that point all he can say is the bad stuff - but we will sit and, oh, watch 1/2 hour of Mythbusters on Netflix, or play a round of cards, or something else that he would look forward to.
We've talked periodically through the years about depression and suicide and his emotional extremes, and finding tools and making plans to deal with the down times. I feel the time slipping by - soon he is out of my house. I'd like to see this as an opportunity to help him find strategies to deal with busy-ness and stress. No matter what he does, there will be times in his life where he is busy and has a lot of demands on his time - and that he doesn't get enough sleep or misses a meal. How can he plan to unwind or cope in a healthy way?
I think one of my hang-ups is that I know sometimes crying can be a good release, and sometimes he will say "I just need to cry." I don't want to buy into the "boys don't cry" mindset. Maybe it's the best thing for him, and I just need to not let myself get sucked into the drama and let him do it on his own. On the other hand, sometimes it just goes too far, and I feel like he's making himself more upset.
Ugh. I appreciate suggestions, and input - and stories of other emotional kiddos! If we hold true to pattern, by early to mid October he will be finally transitioned, and doing much better...but that feels about a million years away...
