Hi all -
I just don't know what to do with my 14 year old son's emotional swings. Here is the current issue: he's a HS Freshman, talented musician. He was recruited at the last minute to fill a hole in the school Marching Band. Lots of kids he knows and likes in this group. So far, 4 of the 5 games he's come home at 10:30 or 11, simply sobbing, practically hysterical. His complaints are often very minor/vague, and often the next day he'll admit it "wasn't so bad." When I've talked about trying to quit, he doesn't want to, and says he "mostly" is having fun.

The time commitment is big - 3 days a week for 2 hours after school for practice, then games every week through end October. Sometimes he'll come home sobbing and wailing after practices too. And I mean sobbing and wailing and just miserable, loudly, filling the house with misery.

This is not a new thing. He has been like this his entire life, with extremes of emotion. On the plus side, when he is happy that emotion is also big and fills our house. He's also always been a kid who needed lots and lots of unscheduled time, and introverted and needing lots of time on his own - so this busy schedule is a real stretch for him. But the huge sobbing outbursts had gotten so much less frequent in recent years - and now suddenly they happen 2-3 times per week!

It's like he just gets emotionally exhausted by the 5-6 hours of being "on" at the game. But from what he says he is thoroughly enjoying it nearly the entire time he is there. I love the fact that he's making social connections with some great kids. (He has one very good friend, and several other pretty good connections, but socially has always tended to choose solitary pursuits for most of his free time.)

The dramatic misery is making the whole household upset/unbalanced. I don't know how to help him unwind without the sobbing. Or even if it's possible. He practically makes himself hysterical. (Sigh.) Ok, again positive - he has started trying to tell me some positive things through his sobbing. He's trying to show me that he is having fun. But when he gets home, he's just so miserable. He's also a kid who likes to go to bed early, so getting home at 11:00 is another stretch.

So I have two big concerns:
1) Is there some way to help him come home - late, when he's tired out - and unwind without the sobs? (The sobs often start in the car, btw.)
2) I think overall this is a positive experience for him. I want him to be able to do things like this in his life, even if it is a big time commitment for a couple of months. I worry that he will just never engage because he needs SO much down time! I want him to feel successful and positive about this experience. Blah.

He's older now - just turned 14. It's harder to talk to most of my friends about sobbing meltdowns than when he was 4! Oh - I should also say that he is a fabulous kid overall - successful in school, mature and well-spoken, well liked by teachers, and really liked pretty well by his fellow students as far as I can tell, even if he is not close with most of them.

Does anyone else have sobbing teen boys? Or ways they've helped said sobbing teen boys?

Thanks!

I have a ds12 who has been emotional for most of his life, so I know how draining it can be as a parent.

That said, the frequency of sobbing would concern me. Do you know the cause? Could it be depression? Is it fatigue?

The crying could be a release of everything, the noise, the concentration, the crush of people, all pretty intense for an introvert even though it's fun. Our band will let you bring your student home after halftime, though most stay, it is great for kids who have activities the next morning. Ccan you do that? Sounds like your band goes to away games, too; could your son just play home games?

I would be a bit concerned about the onset of a mood disorder as well (this is the prime age for that), especially where you are describing a history of emotional lability which tapered in latency age, and now is starting up again in early adolescence.

At the same time, I have a very exuberant child as well, who, although effervescently happy the vast majority of the time, is very clearly triggered to irrational tears by fatigue, hunger, and illness--any kind of physical discomfort. Have you tried an afternoon nap before games?

Although the description makes it strongly sound like there's an internal cause, watch out for possible external causes like bullying.

I would be concerned about this, too, unless he has other diagnosed disabilities that would contribute to the meltdowns.

First-- could he be hungry? Low blood sugar? Can you bring a good snack and tell him to eat before he says anything to you about the night?

I would also give him some stress relief techniques-- tell him he can take deep breaths, he can visualize all the happy things that happened that day, he can visualize a happy, calm place, he can make a gratitude list-- all in efforts to prevent the meltdowns.

But honestly, I would not put up with that behavior one more night. I realize you like the social experiences he has. But controlling his emotions is probably more important at his age.

I would tell him if he does it again, he's done with band. Period. He's not allowed to rile up the entire family with that kind of behavior. What has the normal consequence of that been throughout his life? I think you might be surprised that he has more control over his behavior than you think-- if he realizes there's a strong consequence.

I also think you might want to consider a counselor who can help him with his emotions, and to help your family help him.

Hazing?

edited to add: just google high school marching band hazing...

How well do you know the adults running the program? How does your DS feel about the program organizers?

Thank you all for your responses! I should emphasize that this really isn't unlike him. And we traditionally have a very hard transition into the school year. For a few years he saw a therapist just at beginning of the school year to help with the transition. For years I felt like he verged on clinical depression, listless, not smiling, from August through September...but then by October he'd get into the routine and have a great and happy school year. He puts a lot of pressure on himself, and always has trouble getting into the routine of schoolwork - and certainly entering high school doesn't help. He has not wanted to see the therapist again in recent years - and last school year was actually a fabulous transition, but he was an 8th grader and very secure and well established at the middle school.

In some ways this year is better than some years we've had in the past. He has the meltdowns, but usually recovers within 30-45 minutes, and often is fine and happy after that. In fact, even last night he pointed out to me how quickly he had recovered from the sobs into smiles.

NotherBen, I think you are right on about the release. That said, though, I think I will check in again with him on the therapist and see if he wants to go back.

I was also thinking that it might help if I got more proactive about the situation. I'm thinking about yes, syoblrig, telling him this is not working for our family. Now, he doesn't respond well to threats (like saying do it again and you're done with band) - but he does do well with interaction and conversation and planning together. So tell him we need to come up with a plan to help him unwind without the meltdown. Maybe one part could be me bringing a good treat/snack in the car - a banana muffin or something - for him to eat right away. (Yes, I think blood sugar plays a role! But sometimes he claims he doesn't want to eat when he gets home!) Then figure out a definite plan for when we get home - for example, I don't want to hear ANYTHING about the evening - because at that point all he can say is the bad stuff - but we will sit and, oh, watch 1/2 hour of Mythbusters on Netflix, or play a round of cards, or something else that he would look forward to.

We've talked periodically through the years about depression and suicide and his emotional extremes, and finding tools and making plans to deal with the down times. I feel the time slipping by - soon he is out of my house. I'd like to see this as an opportunity to help him find strategies to deal with busy-ness and stress. No matter what he does, there will be times in his life where he is busy and has a lot of demands on his time - and that he doesn't get enough sleep or misses a meal. How can he plan to unwind or cope in a healthy way?

I think one of my hang-ups is that I know sometimes crying can be a good release, and sometimes he will say "I just need to cry." I don't want to buy into the "boys don't cry" mindset. Maybe it's the best thing for him, and I just need to not let myself get sucked into the drama and let him do it on his own. On the other hand, sometimes it just goes too far, and I feel like he's making himself more upset.

Ugh. I appreciate suggestions, and input - and stories of other emotional kiddos! If we hold true to pattern, by early to mid October he will be finally transitioned, and doing much better...but that feels about a million years away...

aquinas - the adults are great - one he knows well from years back, another new one but he likes him a lot.

I really don't suspect hazing or bullying. I know it happens all the time...but we've talked a lot about that in the past, and he's never been shy about telling me when bad things are happening at school with other kids. Though it's always good to keep in mind.

I really think it's just his release. But it's exhausting!!!!

You've received great ideas above. I'll just add the acronym H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired), and a few links in case they may be helpful:
- SENG article,
- Tips for Selecting the Right Counselor or Therapist for Your Child,
- Hoagies' Gifted Education Page for Psychologists and Professionals familiar with the gifted.

Possibly planning to stop and choose a quick snack on the way home... as a transitional activity, a gentle step down from the bustling, energized environment to a quiet home?

If this is when/how he processes, might journaling help him think things through?

These may also be great transition activities, helping him learn to decompress with ease, after a highly stimulating atmosphere.

As you say, perhaps it's best to not talk about the game afterwards. This stresses my teen boys, too. They are just ready to leave it all behind and get back to their own selves. In fact, for the car ride home can you have an audiobook going so he can immediately go to his quiet place, give one part of his brain something receptive to do while the rest decompresses? My guys look forward to it.

indigo, I LOVE that SENG article. Yes, at some point years ago someone suggested we consider that he could be bipolar. But it really is more that he has extreme responses. (We HAVE consulted with other pdocs about it to to rule it out, though.) The audiobook idea is a fascinating one...something to stop the descent before it starts.

I'm realizing that my whole focus has been - oh, it's late, let's hurry home and let him get to bed!! But at the cost of giving him the decompression time. And I think he is feeling that same stress - it's late, I gotta get to bed, but I'm all keyed up. He is very invested in his identity of a kid who likes to go to bed early. I try to tell him that occasional late nights are a part of life! but I don't think he's convinced.

Theoretically we could come up with something he'd look forward to so after the game could be a GOOD experience. That's a crazy thought. He might love stopping to pick out a treat!

The next day he always has positive stories about cool things that happened. But the night of the game - well, for example, the "reason" he sobbed last night was that his hat nearly fell off when he was marching. Yes, stressful, and he is a perfectionist. But it didn't. And it would have been ok if it did! (sigh.)

My son is 15 and in marching band. He loves it but it is VERY exhausting. Particularly on games days (we have only had one so far) he starts school at 7AM and doesn't get home till at least 10pm those days.

What I suggest is making sure he is getting enough to eat, and drinking enough water. And make sure he gets plenty of sleep the night before. My son is also an introvert and spending all that time around people can be emotionally exhausting. Feeling down after that long day is not all that unusual.

One thing to keep in mind. Teenagers know mom & dad are "safe". (Or at least I hope they do.) He has probably been trying to keep him emotions in check the entire exhausting long day. Let him cry, it's probably good for him. Really it's alright to cry, it a good way to get that emotion out. As long as he is upbeat about band the next day after a good nights sleep I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Starting next week we start the cycle of Friday games for 7 weeks, competitions on Saturdays. This will go through mid November for us. I am right there with you. It's exhausting but for my son it's also the happiest time for him at H.S. and he loves the social group it makes him a part of.

Any allergy medications involved here?

I wonder if your DS's introversion may mask some social anxiety? I haven't read all of the responses, so I'm not sure if it's been brought up. I know a people with social anxiety, and it can provoke some extreme reactions.
Anecdotally, the folks I know with anxiety have had it peak in the teen years.

I also second covering the sleep, food, water bases.

No, no allergy meds.

It also just occurred to me that he has some good earplugs, but I'm not sure he's been using them. That is another question to ask - the stress of the loud band could be making a difference too.

Bluemagic, I appreciate hearing that it can be hard for other kids - but maybe it's worth it?? I guess that's the question. Good luck to you as you start your whirlwind weeks!

Game night requires so much from the kids. They had school all day. Does your band feed them supper? Maybe they didn't have his vegetarian meal or whatever. Maybe they have to memorize their music or routines for field time. When they're in the stands during the game, there's a lot of socializing going on (which might be difficult) but they also have to pay attention to the leaders for stand music, and a bit of attention to the game so to be ready for the fight song after a touchdown. Maybe they don't even like football, but have to be there. And it's cold, or hot, and is the uniform keeping them comfortable? Did they run out of water bottles or band treats before he got one? How to find mom's car at the end in the dark? Aargh. It's fun, but it can drain a kid.

I used to ride my bike home from the games (in uniform!) which really helped me release it all. But that was before Friday night lights, they were Saturday afternoon games.

ETA: remember The movie Broadcast News? The gifted news producer did the same thing, so your son is in good company

Maybe make a routine out of the end of the game, always park in the same spot, always have a comfort snack (on chilly nights my guys get hot cocoa in a thermos), have music or audio he likes playing. (NPR "Roadside Stories" are just the right length for a car ride) And tissues.

NotherBen, I love your description. It seems right on. It really IS all those little things adding up for him to weigh him down. (Specifically this week the uniform was uncomfortable and they ran out of water bottles!)

I'm hopeful and excited about the idea of making a structured plan to short-circuit the sobs. And crossing my fingers that next Friday goes better!

Our band instructor goes over with the parents how much they learn in marching band, and how much coordination is necessary to do a good job. You not only have to play the right notes on your instrument, but you have to do it in time with everyone else, stand up straight and at the same time march in formation & backwards, be on the right mark at the right time. There is a million things to think about and remember. It's like rubbing your head and patting your belly. He isn't trying to scare anyone off just remind the parents that this marching isn't easy and they learn a lot.

At my son's marching band the students have practice right after school on game days, an hour break where dinner is brought in by parents volunteers. And then it's time to get dressed and set up. A very long day. Our uniforms are lightweight wool, but we are in S. Calf and it's often still HOT out.

What is your son supposed to wear under his uniform? Our kids are asked to wear a black t-shirt and gym shorts. What is is about the uniform that is uncomfortable? If he finds it itchy maybe a long sleeved sports undergarment would help, as long as it won't be too hot? If it doesn't fit right perhaps it could be adjusted. We are allowed to adjust our kids uniforms as long as we don't do anything permanent like cut off fabric.