Yeah, yeah-- we don't really care about that part (NMS) of things, honestly... though college admissions are a WAY different ballgame than they were when we were all there. It's more about her doing
her best without all this baggage getting in the way. We
only want her to feel proud and do her best. The rest will take care of itself, truly. There is a lot getting in the way of that happening right now, though.
So just let her self-handicap and tell her she's a "winner in our book" no matter what?
I'm pretty sure that won't work for her. She's got this internal dialogue happening that refutes any kind of "it's okay/good enough" verbiage, if it doesn't measure up to her standards (100%, or as near as makes little difference). It doesn't matter if it's genuine or rational, she can find a way to undermine or dismiss it in her head.
It's also true that once she fails to achieve to her standards (due to self-handicapping, usually-- or to completely, wildly inappropriate self-expectations), she tends to take it so much to heart that it spirals into sort of global dysfunction.
We saw this a couple of years ago with a pair of things in quick succession-- a speaking competition (that she virtually went into winging a 20 minute technical talk), and then a math midterm later that same week (which she bombed). The next four months were a nightmare; at one point she had lost about 10% of her (already very slim) body weight and was suffering from globalized anxiety/insomnia. The thing is-- I
know what triggers this. She self-handicapped because... well, honestly, I am not sure. For the challenge? To 'up' the stakes? In order to make the 'prize' higher value to her intrinsically? Adrenaline? No idea, really. I just know that the outcome was bad-- and she interpreted this not as "Wow, bad call on the 'no preparation' thing, there" (rational/logical) but instead as "I'm a complete and total loser and I don't deserve oxygen..." (In spite of anything we said to her).
I just don't know what to do about it to short-circuit the process before it gets rolling. She
has to take this test on the 20th. Her only options are to do her actual best... or... not.
If she genuinely didn't care and were capable of just shrugging off the (relative) failure as "no big deal" and moving on, that'd be one thing. I might not be thrilled given the financial costs, mind you, but I'd accept that some things come with being 13 and lacking a certain maturity. But I know her better than that. She's ratcheting up the tension on this, and at the same time, somehow dismantling the machinery to reach the goal she set for herself. Classic, classic, classic self-handicapping happening here.
I'm just beside myself in thinking about it. It's a train wreck looming ahead, and I feel powerless to do anything to avert disaster.
Is there any way to actually 'reach' a perfectionist in the throes of a major swan dive?
When I say that I don't really care about her feelings-- that's obviously not true. What I care about is her overall mental
health, and I care very little for her irrational logic which is serving to undermine that. It's like-- nobody does this to my kid-- not even... er...
my kid? 
