I wasn't going to chime in, but I've continued thinking about this thread today so thought I'd share my thoughts in case they resonate at all with what you're going through.
First thought: all of my kids spent a great deal of time entertaining themselves, and it did wonders for them as wee ones and as adults (for the older two thus far). When my husband and I got into a lengthy conversation at a restaurant, our kids entertained themselves with games they made up such as 50 Ways to Fold A Napkin, battle games using salt and pepper shakers, dirty plates and utensils. When we visited friends who didn't have children, our kids found ways to keep themselves occupied without destroying their house or tormenting the cat. So your daughter playing alongside your husband isn't a bad thing. She feels safe in a parent's presence - safe to explore her environment and learn on her own.
As to the video games, my husband is a programmer and was an avid gamer when we married. At first I was hurt, then I was mad and then I figured out it's how he kept the rest of his brain quiet enough to think about things. Plus, it gave me space to write in peace. My daughter told me recently that when she was little, she thought she was a pro at Rebel Assault because she sat in her daddy's lap while he played. Unless your husband is truly neglecting your daughter, I'd say leave it alone. You all have a massive amount of stress on your plate right now with a shifting in parental duties, who is the bread-winner, and the financial stresses I'm sure those changes have also brought about. My bet is that his gaming is an escape he desperately needs right now as he sorts out his feelings, fears, and his future.
And, lastly, planning. Some people are planners, and some aren't. You'll likely never make him a planner. How lovely that you have one of each to balance you both out. He'll help you decompress and find the whimsy in life; you'll bring the energy and focus to bring your mutual dreams to fruition.
Here's wishing for all the best for all of you as your sort out your new roles.
Thank you. I like this and it is true... We do balance one another out. And are programmers just drawn to gaming or what? Do they all want to make video games?
