I'm worried I'm allowing too much TV.

DD is almost 13 months now and in the past month she's learned most of the signs on the first 3 volumes of Signing Time. She's mostly stopped talking, though. She had said around 12 words and now she only says hi, hat (hah), byebye, apple (ap). She also "reads" her books alone now and says "Ah!" and will point and make the sign for any picture she knows the sign for. I feel like I should keep buying these DVDs... but I kind of feel bugged about it.

I was one of the moms who said no TV for my baby. I did all this research and decided it wasn't good. But she sits there and watches it and comes back knowing signs... We use the signs, too, but she uses some we've barely worked on (if at all.)

She learns from books, too, but she'll never sit still with me for 30 minutes... but she will pay attention to the TV and the songs and everything. She also gets so excited when we turn the TV on and starts going Ah? AH! AH? and doing this shrug thing, palms up, like "Where is it?!"

Is this detrimental? Should I just stick to teaching her one on one with books and such? Do you have any regrets or advice for how you handled TV in the early years?

Thanks.

It's hard to know what's optimal, especially as I'm only on my second little one now (DS2) and don't know how much TV has impacted DS6 or in what ways. DS2 has an expressive language delay, so I let him watch something called Baby Babble for a while. He's also watched a fair amount of PBS shows, and some movies.

I've read plenty of concerned posts elsewhere about possible negative effects of signing, usually about a baby speaking later because of comfort with the signs. We've never used signing, although DS2's speech therapist began doing some signing with him, later abandoning it since he began picking up with verbalization. My hazy memory of prior reading on signing, though, is that you shouldn't be concerned if your child becomes comfortable signing, because there's no real ill effect from it. It's still expressive language use, and your daughter can pick up vocabulary without any hindrance. If you want to encourage verbalization, I wouldn't refuse to communicate by signing, but just do it gently. It will probably sort itself out.

I definitely understand the desire to avoid too much stimulation. The worry I've always had is that my kids will become less able to concentrate on their own, without a constant barrage of signals to return to task. It's the reason I never buy any electronic early development toys that reward a button press with sounds and flashing lights, etc.; if received as a gift, I stick them in the basement and donate them later.

That said, we've probably let both children watch more TV than many parents (ETA: at least those who give a darn about their children's education), although a large amount of it is educational. I've bought the kids stuff like "Planet Earth", "WW II in HD" and "The Universe" complete set on Blu Ray, since I figure that when they feel like watching something, it's better for them than "The Cat in the Hat" or a pure entertainment TV show, or rewatching "Iron Man" for the umpteenth time. DS2 has watched some movies, mostly ones like "Fantastic Planet", "The Bear", "Dumbo", Miyazaki movies, etc. which I hope stimulate interest in certain areas for him. We've cut back a lot on TV watching in other areas-- I often insist that my wife turn off the TV when it's functioning just as background noise for her.

For some reason both children seem to have a longer-than-normal attention span, but that might be a quirk of their personalities and I'd hesitate to draw any conclusions re: their watching habits. It could well be that they'd have better focus if we hadn't taken the edge off, so to speak.

She honestly barely spoke before this. She babbles but never spoke consistently. By 11 months she'd hit all the 18 month milestones (the doctor said) except... I'm not sure about the verbal ones. The signing has honestly been a really great thing. She can easily tell me now when she wants to nurse / eat / drink water / see the dog, etc.

I'm working on my business right now and DH is unemployed. So he hangs out in the play room with her all day.. and all day long he watches shows, programs or does college homework on the computer, or plays xbox. I *AM* worried about that.

He plays with her a little and will read to her when she brings him books, but she mostly plays by herself or hangs out with our dog all day(she requests the dog's presence by signing dog when the dog is downstairs... my child is really being "raised by wolves" ;o)

When she is tired, she sits on DH's lap and nods off to sleep while looking at whatever he's looking at.

I try to take breaks to read to her and just play with her, and she gets 1/2 hour to an hour of Signing Time some days.

When I was watching her full time and he was working, I spent a lot of time playing with her and showing her things. I'm trying to accept DH doesn't parent like me... if I nag him about stuff it is not good...he gets mad and acts like he plays with her a lot.

Also, he is "stuck" all day with the baby as I used to be and I know it can get draining. Everyone who knows DD would call her intense.

The only way to do things "my way" would be to basically quit my business and we need this business for our future.

So I guess I'm worried about more than just the DVDs. ;-(
(Though I just got DH to take the baby outside because it is nice out! Yay.)

That's tough. Does she have lots of toys within reach to play with during the day? She can probably occupy herself for quite some time every day usefully (and develop her thinking ability) by playing with building toys like blocks, Magneatos, Duplos / Quattros, wooden trains, etc. as well as puzzles (we have tons), and a bit later on stimulating toys like Capsela, marble runs, Legos, etc. Both of my kids have also loved plastic dinosaurs, Little People and other sorts of early role-playing imaginational toys. I'd make sure that her play area has plenty of toys of different types available for her to get out and play with on her own. An easel with dry-erase markers, paper with colored pencils, etc. is another idea of something she could use mostly on her own. Then if when you get home there's a mess, you can nag hubby to clean it up.

I personally don't think that the main problem here is lack of time with dad, if he's willing to read with her when she brings him a book, especially as a lot of free-play activities can be done alone. She probably gets a lot just from his presence and occasional emotional reinforcement as she goes about her day.

Still, and this is tough to recommend, I would demand that your husband keep the Xbox and TV shows off-- being a parent involves sacrifices, and those are pretty petty on the grand scheme of things. Maybe you could hunt up some news articles on the negative impacts of too much screen time.

We've never imposed any limitations on DD6's screen time, from the time when she was an infant, and her attention span is awesome. It always has been, even from infancy. We were amazed that a 4mo could watch an entire 20 minute show for preschoolers.

Of course, the major reason it's not being regulated is because she's not abusing it. She'll spend some time watching a show, playing on her DS, etc., but it's not something she wants to do all day long. She recently told us her favorite thing to do is read, and when she has to self-entertain, she spends more time with her toys than she does in front of a screen.

It sounds to me like your main concern is that your DD isn't getting enough 1-on-1 time in her day. There are a number of issues that can develop from that, but one of them would be communication delays. Television can help with that, because while she may not be participating in verbal communication, at least she's being exposed.

I'd expand her choices beyond sign language DVDs.

I actually think my daughter learned quite a bit of verbal language from signing time (although, obviously one person's experience is not a scientific study)- if she just signed a word... "shoe" was a favorite of my daughter I would always just reinforce that with lots of language - "Do you want your shoes? Where are your shoes? Can you say shoe?" Then I might ask her to say it. She was a great early talker and I think that being exposed to lots of forms of early language was helpful. We also had lots of story and nursery rhyme CD's - might get her away from the signing...

Her favorite toys are her wooden toys and books, plus anything that plays or makes music so she can dance to it. She builds towers, "reads" a lot to herself, and likes putting toys together / filling and carrying around containers, etc. right now. She pushes buttons on music toys over and over so she can dance and kind of sing.
I took some time this morning to try to teach her about her 3 piece shapes puzzle and sang the ABCs to her while showing her the wooden letters.

Yeah... I think he might be a tad addicted to / reliant on? the video games. When he plays, he wants to play for hours. We've talked about it before. He got me into games, too, and I understand a little better why they get addicting. I have favorite games, too, now, but I play maybe once a month or less.

I also get that it gets really boring up there. I watched shows sometimes, too, to pass the time when she was really small. What I don't mind is when he is doing homework or writing software (he is making a game for fun right now.) Even though he's plugged in (as am I working on the comp all day), he is being productive...But really, what business is it of mine whether he is productive or not while watching the baby?

I don't really see a way to significantly stop the game usage unless I want to take her all day. If I impose my parenting ideals on the situation it is like "FINE. YOU watch her." sort of thing. I am pretty lucky right now, you know? (In fact, I need to get back to work now lol)

Any favorites you can recommend? She used to like Word World, but Netflix took it off instant queue.

Shoes are big hit around here, too. She also loves making me put on her socks over and over haha.

My kids have been exposed to signs, English, and Chinese since birth. My daughter learned about 2 dozen signs before her speaking ability made signing unnecessary. We only use TV as a last resort to keep the children entertained so we can get things done. My son (almost 1 year) currently uses a couple signs and several spoken words. Some words he speaks and uses the sign for simultaneously.

There's no way to know whether or not the exposure to so many different forms of communication caused a delay for my daughter, but it's hard to imagine that it did. She was using over 100 English words by 18 months, and has an enormous vocabulary now (2.75).

I actually think that if anything, signing had the opposite effect, by showing the value of communication before children are ready to speak intelligibly. Exposure to multiple spoken languages on the other hand... I can see how that would cause a delay, but I still think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

As far as TV, I remember reading a study that purported that children who watched educational shows like Dora and Blues Clues had bigger vocabularies at a young age than kids who didn't. By contrast, children who watched non-educational TV had smaller vocabularies.

I personally know a child who is almost identical in age to my daughter who learned from the TV many of the things that my daughter learned from interacting with me and my wife and playing with educational toys (alphabet, colors, letter identification, even foreign language exposure). Are these children learning to learn in different ways, and is one ultimately a better learning strategy? I don't know. I know the AAP recommends no TV time for children under 2, but I don't know how they came to that conclusion and if it is based on the latest research.

It would seem that a child who spends more time with an adult than a TV would have a greater opportunity to ask questions, but questions usually don't come until well after 13 months. In the early stages children learn through observation. If the TV is offering more educational content than what can otherwise be provided, then it seems to me it's a positive thing. But that's coming from someone who uses TV as a last resort.

" Are these children learning to learn in different ways, and is one ultimately a better learning strategy? I don't know."

I'm on the side of human interaction being the optimal learning resource, but she is watching signing time when she'd otherwise be just walking around downstairs while I attempt to make breakfast or check my e-mail when I wake up. So.. I wouldn't be singing songs or anything in place of the event.

I am worried TV will do something to her attention span, do something bad to the connections her brain is making, or simply make books less appealing... but is it really bad? Are we going to evolve as a species along with our technology?

My husband watched way too much TV growing up, imo, and still does. He can concentrate for 17 hours at a time when he wants to write a program or make a 3d video... and his memory for things he's read is amazing. I don't know if that is just a gifted trait (I do the 17 hour thing, too)...

I think TV and games take away from what he could be doing to learn and grow as a person, though, in every day life. But he doesn't seem to care about that, while I do care about it.

You know, DD just made one of her first "sentences". DH asked her what she wanted and she quite absent-mindedly signed "more" and "food", so I came up and fed her some more.

We were pretty consistent signers in our house. We learned the signs and signed with the kids whenever we spoke or read to them -- so they learned from us, not TV. Both my kids had about 200-250 signs before they could speak, and put 3 signs together as well. My son spoke a little late, and almost immediately was forming sentences. My daughter spoke a little on the early side, and was making full sentences by two.

Having researched this, there is no evidence that signing will cause a child to delay speech. A child who "loses" words or milestones should have an immediate developmental evaluation -- that's really not a normal thing. Reassuring, though, that she is putting two signs together.

The experts at the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend no screen time for the first two years of life. A few reasons: having a TV on in the room results, on the whole, in the parent not speaking to the child as much -- and talking to a child is REALLY important developmentally; too much TV has been associated with attention problems in some children. There are also concerns about whether the rapidly changing images might cause changes in the way the brain "wires" itself.

There's nothing wrong with letting her play by herself with the toys or dog or tuperware and wooden spoons. It's actually much better for her, developmentally speaking, than too much screen time. She doesn't need constant constant attention, especially if she can entertain herself for a half hour at a time.

Children raised in bilingual environments from birth typically develop speech slower than their peers in single-language environments, because they're dealing with the difficulties of learning two distinctly different sets of linguistics. But once they learn to communicate effectively, they usually catch and then exceed their single-language peers, and it usually happens around ages 4-5... just in time for school.

This is borne out by research, and I've seen it in my wife's family as well.


I'm not surprised. If the kids are spending lots of face time with Mommy and Daddy, they still only have those two sources for language development. Even the most well-spoken of us have our own habits we use a little too much, couples will tend to fall into patterns together, and the everyday experience of living together as a family means certain conversations happen over and over and over and over and...

Television is great tool for expanding a child's experiences of linguistic patterns. And that's just one advantage.

As with most things, TV is merely a tool, neither good nor bad. It's all in how you use it.

Not a TV anecdote, but a "hearing things from a different source" anecdote... my daughter managed to come up with a word for all her basic needs (drink, change, nap, etc.) by six months except for one: food. A couple months later, my wife enrolled in cooking school, and my mom was babysitting. Shortly thereafter, DD started saying, "num-num" to let us know she was hungry. Wondering where it came from, I asked my mom, who said she was constantly saying, "Mmmmm, num-num" between every spoonful during feedings. It never occurred to DW or myself to say any such thing, but my mom did it reflexively. I don't think I need to mention how much more peaceful the house becomes when the baby can ask for what she needs, and that was the last piece of the puzzle, so we were very grateful.


It doesn't have to be a binary proposition, adult or TV. In a perfect world, the two are offered together... the parent watches the show with the child, reacts appropriately, comments on certain aspects of it, and answers any questions as they come up.

I think there's something to that. A parent can even ask questions of the child to get them to ponder the motivations of the characters, etc. Many active-reading strategies can probably be adapted to other media.

I'm sorry, but I just have to say, I would be more concerned about the XBOX than anything else. And it's not appropriate for your DH to say "Fine, you watch her." so he can play a video game. I can't imagine that ANYTHING on XBOX that your DH would want to play is appropriate for such a young child. He can delay his own gratification for that until she is in bed.

As far as the regular TV, signing, etc...I'd probably mix it up some too with educational shows...my kids loved pretty much everything on PBS, plus there are no awful toy commercials. My oldest also enjoyed those Baby Einstein videos...

And...as far as interaction, etc goes...well. My kids were probably HAPPY for me to turn on the tv and STOP talking to them, lol! I talk almost nonstop to babies, describing every moment of my day, what I'm doing all the time. Both girls were communicating before a year, with The Diva (now almost 5) speaking in complete sentances before her 2nd bday...

I have read that kids get alot more out of human interactions as compared to TV.
As one example- kids/children exposed to Mandarin Chinese language lessons learn little from TV/DVD language lessons but alot more from live humans.
I think TV and video games can be a slippery slope. We are tired at the end of the day after working and it's very easy as a parent to let them watch "educational" TV or play educational games on the Wii or whatever. We really try to limit it and that has worked for us.

Yeah, that. Is he depressed? Is there a reason why they have to stay home all day? Could they take a walk, go to the park, go to the library, etc?

I think it is tricky to reply to your post because it seems like you are saying there is no way to change the situation, but you are worried it is not good for her. I agree, this is not a great situation for her development. You wouldn't hire a baby sitter that play xbox in front of her.

You read rather well into that.
I feel better about today because he took her outside. Driving with her can still be a harrowing experience (crying in carseat), but it has gotten a bit better. All events out of the house are 15-45 minutes away (the closest being the library.) DH will leave the house if I come, but I've got to start working normal hours soon.

Depressed? Maybe. He is unemployed... Sometimes I think maybe and we've talked about it. It is just the way it is right now. He needs to finish college and I need to do the business.

I would definitely fire a babysitter who played Xbox all day. There are a lot of things DH does right...he does really love her...she has really bonded with him these past few months. And he is very sensitive when I start nagging or getting upset too much. He always says I don't see the good stuff he does... and he is kind of right. I have a large number of friends who would kill for a husband that did the stuff he does for us. He ends up taking criticism too much to heart and seems to feel like he is just failing at being a dad / husband.

Someone mentioned a bed time... There is no good bed time. She falls asleep around 11:30pm every night and wakes up at 9:30. She starts stirring around 7am and nurses all morning until we get up. I tried getting her to sleep earlier and it was a nightmare. The tossing and turning began at 3am.

How would you guys handle this situation? There are a lot of issues / factors playing into this and I don't know what the right answer is. I can't force DH to be someone he's not...And I'm trying to figure out how to balance everything without totally ruining our marriage. There are so many things I want to change and figure out and so far my time management skills suck (cooking healthy food, getting three meals a day in DD, going to bed and getting up earlier, exercising, working on my business the same # of hours every day, cleaning our house...)

I keep talking to DH about it but he just says he wants some of those things, too, and then neither one of us does anything about it. I'm working really hard, here, on my business, but sometimes I feel like we are poor / lazy college students waking up late every day and being layabouts. We also both have a problem with focusing on one thing at a time for too many hours / days to the detriment of the rest of our lives... video games or business.

There is a TON of pressure with money, too, right now. Basically, we're in a funk. My dad reassured me and said he thinks we are doing a really good job and spending more time with her than a lot of parents usually do, but meh. I don't get how two totally grown up adults could be so.. irresponsible? Could not have it together? But maybe I'm being way too hard on us.

Yes, it sounds like you are being a bt hard on yourselves. Noone has it all toogether. Adjustng to a new child in the family is HARD. And often it's harder for men. Even wonderful, sensitive, altogether men. Afterall, women have usually had nine months of hormonal preparation to 'soften them up'. Men, on the other hand don't have that advantage.

If you have time check out the book "The Post Baby Conversation" I found it very useful.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=the+post+baby+conversation&x=0&y=0

If you relly aren't happy about the way things are, maybe try breaking it down and tackle on thing at a time, flylady style. One small habit at a time. Too much at once is really overwhelming.

ok...so I'm reading "Smart but Scattered" and it's about executive skill function. Maybe you should check this one out and apply the information to yourself and DH.

fwiw-I was the one going back to school and DH travels alot for business. I was miserable. I wanted to be home with my baby and that really surprised me. So I found a way to reduce our expenses and started my own online business. Yes, that was hard, but 8 years later, we are still very happy with the way things have worked out. You don't need to change anyone really, just figure out what you and DH's strengths and weaknesses are and capitalize on those. For example, I HATE doing dishes and DH isn't that great a cook. So I shop and cook and he cleans up. If you are both at home, there is no reason you can't split housecleaning...

I suggest a schedule in writing for all of you. You and DH can take turns between studying/working and watching/interacting with your DD. I also found myself micromanaging DH a bit in the beginning and I had to remind myself OFTEN that he was from a larger family than me with two younger siblings and he actually had MORE experience with babies, lol! And you do need to remember and show your appreciation for the things he is doing well (but the XBOX is a no start...no XBOX while baby is awake and in the room). Also, even though some children need less sleep than others, they do still need a considerable block of sleep at night (not to mention sleep deprivation is used as torture-YOU and DH need sleep too!) You need to make some sort of schedule for her as well...outings to the park, library, even the mall, grocery store, etc are stimulating and therefore, tiring. I would try to build at least one outing in everyday...

My personal favorite parenting authors are Dr and Nurse Sears...
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Sears+parenting

they have a whole series and now I see some from two of their sons, who are also pediatricians...these folks raised, I think 6 kids of their own, including one with special needs, then adopted another child. And the first few kids came along while he was still in medical school. I figure, if they can do that, I can surely make it with only 2 kids and no medical school, lol!

We have a very clear image of how we want our lives to be. I want to work from home on my online business and DH wants to work from home programming. We want to homeschool our kid(s) and we want to be able to travel randomly, as we wish. We are in the first stage of making that dream happen right now. I just hope we can get it together to actually be able to function while working at home!

I have tried soooo hard to get him to agree to a schedule. He adamantly opposes it. He just got out of the military and wants no part of schedules or early waking hours. I get it, but he needs to get over it so we can get some control over our lives.

He just agreed to no Xbox while awake and claims he is going to play with her today. Last night I casually asked him if he would fire a babysitter who played Farmville for 8 hours a day while watching DD. That seemed to have an impact. We'll see!

And we love Dr. Sears. We've read The Baby Book over and over and we've poured over the thing in the depths of our colic despair, trying to find a solution. haha. DD fits Dr. Sear's definition of "High Needs Baby" to a tee.


Geomamma,
Thanks, I will check that book out!

islandofapples... boy, do I get your husband. I'm an avid gamer who has been nagged by the wife about it, and I'm also former military with very little regard for the type of authoritarianism and structure it involves.

But yeah, he needs to get over it. I hardly play games anymore, because who has time? I have a brother who finds the time, but he's pretty much neglecting his daughter to do it, and I want to throw things at him. I have another brother whose wife was on Facebook games all day, and she's finally curbed that only because he threatened her with divorce... it got THAT bad.

Nicely played on the babysitter - Farmville thing. As for schedules, I'd remind him that regardless of whether he thinks he needs a schedule, the baby does. Babies don't know what's going on around them and why, they're very confused and insecure, and a reliable pattern of behavior helps give them that sense of security they need.

Once you get him agreeing to a daily pattern for the baby, then he naturally has to fall into a daily pattern to help provide it. If the baby is up by 9:00am, he has to be, too. Other than that, you can ask him to block a certain amount of time each day for his tasks... so if he's going to be working on a programming project, just ask him to spend a certain number of hours on it (otherwise he's not being serious about it), a certain number of hours with the kid, etc. How he uses that time can still be left up to him, just as long as he's hitting those targets. I'd also say that the kid doesn't need him in her face all day long, so he can be rewarded with an hour of Xbox a day. He's still got a lot of flexibility, so if the project is getting frustrating and he needs to step away, he can do that and zap aliens for 20 minutes.

One suggestion I'd make is that the next time there's an issue with how he's spending time with the baby, rather than confront him and argue about it (remember, he doesn't like authority), talk to him about your own feelings about how doing the professional thing is conflicting with your desire to nurture your daughter. Guys love to hear about problems, and our first instinctive reaction is, "How can I fix this?" Then he feels like he's choosing to be a part of the solution, rather than being ordered into it.

I see an opportunity for a new game product here: "Virtual Caretaker".

One could take digital pictures of room interiors from a home, then input them into the software component, which would build a 3D model, and do the same for the exteriors of player/sitter and baby. One could then add behavioral characteristics for each person, perhaps even recording voice samples: "Feed me", "Not now-- Daddy's busy... FATALITY!", etc. One could even input models of the real baby's toys, so the simulated baby could play with them.

Points could be awarded and retracted in various ways. The simulated player could rack up points in embedded video games on a screen-within-a-screen, perhaps piped-through software titles actually owned by the player/sitter. Changing the baby too often would result in fewer points due to inefficient use of gaming time, while if one let a poopy mess go for too long, one could lose points for a resulting rash or chemical burn. Too little attention over a long period, resulting in a substantial developmental or emotional deficit, could result in loss of "justice points", in severe cases leading to the dull interior of a simulated cell and a game-over condition. But that's the beauty of the game-- it would all be simulated. No harm, no foul.

And as players became increasingly addicted to the game, one could introduce spendy new hardware extensions, perhaps beginning with body-motion sensors for the real-world baby, allowing for real-time duplication of its movements within the virtual world. The way would then be prepared for the pi�ce de r�sistance: a full-functioned robot body to duplicate the movements of the virtual sitter, which would continue to be driven via hand controller by the real sitter. A responsible parent would only have to make sure that the robot's battery stayed charged, and could leave the home with greater confidence than ever before.

I think one of the reasons my son could decode words that were spelled out for him starting at age 2 1/2 was because he watched shows like Between the Lions and Sesame Street. I also remember watching old Electric Company reruns with him at about 2:00 a.m. when he could not sleep. We also read together a lot.

I am not sorry I let him watch educational television which I think might have contributed to his ability to spell and to read at a 5th grade level in kindergarten, but then he also played educational video games like Reader Rabbit First Grade at age 3. I think it was probably a combination of all of these things and he really enjoyed doing them.

I completely understand the deep resentment at the idea of a schedule that is imposed from the outside. But a schedule that you build yourself to take control of your own life, to ensure that you get to do all of the things you want to do and meet your own personal goals, is an entirely different animal - it is a tool to help you meet your needs, not a prison. You make it, and you can, at need, change it if it isn't working well for you, or if there truly is a good reason to modify it on a given day. There is no requirement to get up early to have a schedule, BTW. Your schedule starts when you do. Having blocks of time set aside where you each know that you have nothing you need to do but work on your projects, and even blocks of time where you are free to play video games or read or sleep without interruption, as well as blocks where you are each only working at being a parent, can really do a great deal to relieve the stress of feeling like your are multi-tasking 24/7, and might really help you both enjoy the time you spend with your child more, as well as helping you both be more productive.

It might be helpful to collect some baseline-type data over a week or two to see when, on average, each of you actually gets work done (or seriously wants to and feels capable of doing so if not interrupted), so that you can be sure to schedule that person's baby-duty-free work time during a time when they can actually get work done effectively.

If you approach the idea of a schedule as "I want to be sure that you have uninterrupted time during the week to get everything that you need to do accomplished, so let's work out when I need to take care of the baby and when you can take the baby, and when we might realistically need to have an in-home sitter..." it might seem much less like the military regimentation he loathes and more like a way for him to get what he needs.

Aculady,
I'm going to keep trying novel ways of approaching this, but I've said all these things and more to him. Doesn't matter. He feels he shouldn't have to set aside blocks of time. It's not really a rational response...just his gut response to planning anything.

He seriously hates planning. Hates it. I was so proud of him the few times he's planned something... like made reservations for us. I'm the planner around here. I can't take all the credit for us getting things done, but it sometimes feels like if I didn't take charge, we'd just let life happen to us instead of actively deciding what we want to do with our lives. I'm OK being the one like this... Two people trying to be in control doesn't usually work well. If we both were like this maybe we'd butt heads a lot.

He really knows how to get things done once he has a clear goal in mind...

Confession and my own very invalid opinion.

I've got my "nose buried in my iPhone all day". �My husband complains about it. �Well, he calls it making an observation. �I think it's just rude. �He doesn't get to say much about it, just that one phrase "nose glued to the phone". �I don't defend myself and we don't really argue about it. �We're not young. �We're pretty old. �

He did make me feel a little bad about it until I remembered I've always been this way. �It used to be a book instead of a phone. �I realized that one time when I thought about saying �"fine, cut the stupid phone off just so you'll stop saying that stupid line." Then I realized I would just replace the phone with a book. �Then I realized how rude he's being "just making an observation" (aka a complaint) about a personality trait that is really just how I've always been. �

Guess what. �That used to always be a book. �My mom nagged me constantly saying, "you can't read a book and watch tv at the same time." why?!��

That's a compromise. �See if he'll switch to a handheld video game. �Tell him to sit and play it in the girl's room and at the park. �It fits in your back pocket for a few minutes to interact and stay connected with the kids, instead of glued to the couch. �It's the difference between being glued to the �screen or being slightly adhered.

I'm not saying it's the best practice or the developmental theory research, it's just how I feel. �Besides I have different beliefs and values about truth and fiction and pixels and censorship and screens in general.

I have advice for great screen stuff for your kid or educational things your guy could do with your kid, if this thread turns that direction. �HtH, signed,��a video game vegetable a bookworm.

I wasn't going to chime in, but I've continued thinking about this thread today so thought I'd share my thoughts in case they resonate at all with what you're going through.

First thought: all of my kids spent a great deal of time entertaining themselves, and it did wonders for them as wee ones and as adults (for the older two thus far). When my husband and I got into a lengthy conversation at a restaurant, our kids entertained themselves with games they made up such as 50 Ways to Fold A Napkin, battle games using salt and pepper shakers, dirty plates and utensils. When we visited friends who didn't have children, our kids found ways to keep themselves occupied without destroying their house or tormenting the cat. So your daughter playing alongside your husband isn't a bad thing. She feels safe in a parent's presence - safe to explore her environment and learn on her own.

As to the video games, my husband is a programmer and was an avid gamer when we married. At first I was hurt, then I was mad and then I figured out it's how he kept the rest of his brain quiet enough to think about things. Plus, it gave me space to write in peace. My daughter told me recently that when she was little, she thought she was a pro at Rebel Assault because she sat in her daddy's lap while he played. Unless your husband is truly neglecting your daughter, I'd say leave it alone. You all have a massive amount of stress on your plate right now with a shifting in parental duties, who is the bread-winner, and the financial stresses I'm sure those changes have also brought about. My bet is that his gaming is an escape he desperately needs right now as he sorts out his feelings, fears, and his future.

And, lastly, planning. Some people are planners, and some aren't. You'll likely never make him a planner. How lovely that you have one of each to balance you both out. He'll help you decompress and find the whimsy in life; you'll bring the energy and focus to bring your mutual dreams to fruition.

Here's wishing for all the best for all of you as your sort out your new roles.

My son can read a book or iPhone and watch TV at the same time, but now he listens to Youtube videos while playing video games while the TV is on.

Last summer at his musical theater camp he occasionally had to babysit the little kids in the acting group and he managed to read on his iPhone and pay enough attention to the little kids that they were happy. Little kids like him. I think he will be a good dad some day even though he will probably have some version of an iPhone in his hand while he takes care of his kids.

I know that I found "Smart, But Scattered" really helpful in assessing my own strengths and weaknesses in executive functioning, including planning and prioritizing and task initiation. The book also has some good information on using your strengths to compensate for and remediate your weaknesses. But that is only likely to be useful for someone who is interested in improving their skills in these areas.

If he is good at getting things done once he has clear goals, then finding ways to make it easier for him to set clear goals and keep them in front of him sounds like it might be a place for the two of you to start. How does he want your child to think of him? Maybe a mission statement would help him define this. Once he has a specific goal, then he might spontaneously start looking at what he needs to do to meet that goal. It might even help him to write it up formally and post it where he can see it. We keep a calligraphy piece hanging on our wall in the family room that has the Nine Noble Virtues (courage, truth, honor, fidelity, discipline, hospitality, industriousness, self-reliance, and perseverance) on it, to remind everyone in the house to embody them. It sounds corny, but it really does help in those not-infrequent moments when we want to just zone out or avoid dealing with something difficult or unpleasant.

Bottom line is that he is an adult, and it isn't really your responsibility or prerogative to change him, but it is your responsibility to ensure that you and your child are getting what you both need in order to be successful. If that means an engaged and present in-home sitter for your child while you work at home during the day and a part-time job for your husband to pay for it, that's certainly one option you might explore. He might really prefer that to being responsible on an ongoing basis for child care while you are working.

Why, hi, long lost twin sister!

And yes, somehow books are a lot more socially acceptable than phones. I even had an argument with my mother about it last month. Hello? Stanza and Kindle apps on the iPhone?? RSS feeds for major newspapers???

As long as I refill milk, cereals, bread, and "why don't I have the right count of chocolate chips on my toast, mom?" more or less as requested during breakfast what does it matter if I read this forum or the nutrition information for above said cereals? (can't wait for the kids to figure out how to prepare breakfast on their own, personally)

The real issue is disengaging from the family for huge chunks of time. Except for those that also impair judgement and health (alcohol, drugs) the tool that's used (books, games, phones, other adults) is fairly irrelevant, because the result is the same.

I've seen tons of abuse of cell phones at the park or the bouncer place, though I usually see it with moms yammering the whole time and ignoring their kids, rather than using the data component. I can't say I've ever seen a mom fail to set aside a book when their kids requested their attention, though.

I sometimes do stuff I'd fire a babysitter for. HAVE fired a babysitter for... DS1(2.5 yrs) doesn't sleep much either, and there isn't any "after he's in bed." He sleeps 7 hrs/night. I need 9. I also haver a 5 wk old. Sorry pal, I'm a gonna check my email.

8 hrs is too much, though.

The main problem with the interactive TV experience is when you take the kid to a formal movie. I took DS1 to an Imax train movie (trains are his obsession). It became very tiresome to sush him when the 12 year olds behind us started asking their parents for definitions of the terms he was excitedly whisper-shouting questions about continuously. (Thought at one point, someone near us filled me in on an "I don't know" <sigh>)

DH and I have had some very turbulent relationship times, partly due to us being a pair of egotistical smart-aleks who can't handle being wrong, and have enough brains to construct nearly-bullet proof arguments on the oposite side of any issue from our own, let alone when we're saying what we actually think on something we feel strongly about. Watching TV together has been therapy for us. We all four watch 30 min of TV before bedtime, nattering continuously. We argue and strive back and forth, and the movie keeps everyone, even DS1 on the same page and involved. There's always a next scene to keep the discussion going rather than mired. It's good.

I did that with my dad when I was a kid (he and I worked on making TV together... some of you have prob. even heard of Tom Green ;)) and I think it's a big part of what made our relationship a particularly awesome one.

So... I'm a fan of TV, acutally. Used appropriately. At the ages you're talking about, kids often learn a lot of language by watching/listening to THEMSELVES speak. We recieved the suggestion to audiotape our son and play it back to him as a way of improving his (sub-clinically delayed) articulation. Perhaps they could make a project of making little videos once a week or even once a day. You may have to cope with a kid who goes into the movie business, which is not an easy road, but hey, it's a fun road.

Eek, I just realized I've only read half the comments so far posted. Hope I'm not derailing thing too much.

-Mich

I understand that you are in a time of transition and you have to do what you have to do. I would encourage you to be honest about the situation though and keep a careful eye on it.

There is quite a bit or research of the effect of parental depression on children and it is a real concern. http://articles.latimes.com/2010/mar/15/health/la-he-depression-20100315

My suggestion would be that you have a real plan for the long term here. How long can this go on before some change will be made. It may be worth thinking about other part time solutions or about other options to help your coparent get what he needs to feel better.

Well, we watched "2001: A Space Odyssey" last night, and DS2 loved it, despite being upset over the end of Frank Poole. We discussed it throughout. He was transfixed for the entire 2+ hours, and the movie seemed to intensify his focus, if anything. (DS6 was cute too, teaching him words like "monolith". )

Thank you. I like this and it is true... We do balance one another out. And are programmers just drawn to gaming or what? Do they all want to make video games?

Ha. I think so. Although he says next startup is going to be educational games. We'll see if he still thinks that when one of our current startups sells.

I'm not sure what I posted last... but I think things have gotten a bit better. I realized the other day DD changed a lot in the two months I was feverishly working, so I've backed off on work.

I work from home so I can be with her, so I need to make sure I am doing that. I've been waking up at 7am every morning now to work for a few hours before DH and daughter wake up and then I work for a few more.

Today I managed to make some amazing homemade soup and we made bread together! It was great. I spent a few hours downstairs with DD tonight while DH played his games upstairs. It was good. Hopefully I can figure this work life balance thing out. If I can give him free time, he will probably be happier to spend time with her when she's with him. We both need a change of pace. (Of course, he is starting classes again soon and that makes him a bit miserable. Calculus, Database management, Visual Basic, Art History. Ahh fun fun. He won't be getting much down time to play games.)

And to those of you who said I can't change him and such... you would be correct. I knew he was this way when I married him... and it is no deal breaker. I know women whose husbands do worse / more obnoxious things, like go out to bars and leave them home with the kids.

Thank you for all the advice! A lot of the points you all made really made me think.

I've got Gears of War collector's stuff hanging around in my inventory room right now. Nothing like a giant plastic lancer / chainsaw weapon to improve the decor haha. I vetoed it for the living room and he just doesn't understand why I would do that.

DH says he wants to start his own company, but like I said... me = planner, him = no way. And we do not work very well together lol. I'm too bossy for him and he's too allergic to planning. I'd love to help him figure out what to do and start it, though.

FWIW, here is where the research is. (This is in my field).

Screen time before 2 is mildly correlated with delayed language learning. Children OVER 2 may show some benfit from educational TV. However, there is evidence that even PBS shows teach children relational aggression.

Adult programming on in the background disrupts children's play. Though they may not be watching, they will turn and stare and get distracted. Parents also speak less to children when the TV is on.

Screen time in general is correlated with obesity and disturbed sleep (this is especially true when a TV is in the child's bedroom or it's watched right before bed).

I don't know how any of this varies for gifted kids. We have been very restrictive of screen time for our kids and feel pleased with the end result, but they might have been this way anyway. I really appreciate that I am not constantly being nagged to watch TV or play videogames. My kids spend a ton of time outside just playing.