Ugg - what a nasty suprise. Somehow puts me in mind of cats who bring their hunting trophies home. I wonder if she isn't - on some level - trying to negotiate that terrible tension between wanting to grow up and be independent and still wanting that sweet dependency and total closeness of being a child.
I asked her why she didn't just ask for help and she said she was afraid I'd get angry (I do get upset sometimes, but I am a pretty mild person even when upset and I don't think I am one to be feared for any real reason).
You are one of the most special people on the whole planet to your DD, so even if you act mild while upset, it's still a big issue to a young person who considers you the source of all her stability and comfort in this world. Imagination can play tricks on all of us, and it take several years before we can 'get tough' with ourselves and say - "oh yeah, I've BTDT, I'd better try something else."
Ideally the goal is that she grows into a place where she internalizes that sense of stability and comfort within herself, yes? This will be a slow process, and you may have to do some rescuing right this moment, but I would start with moving into the 'coach' role with this very issue - if possible.
Some books you may already have read, but might want to look at again, are:
Raising a Thinking Preteen: The "I Can Problem Solve" Program for 8- to 12- Year-Olds [Paperback]
Myrna B. Shure (May be pitched a bit too young, but with the spectrum and ADD issues it might be just right in some ways.)
Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook: An Interactive Guide to The Nurtured Heart Approach - Perfect Paperback (Jan. 12, 2008) by Lisa Bravo, Howard Glasser and Joann Bowdidge
((Hugs and More Hugs))
Grinity
