Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion GT 8-year-old--HELP!

Just joined today...

I've known since my son was 1 year old that he was gifted, but I'm only now seeing some of the problems that go along with that. I am so new to this sort of thing and would appreciate any advice!

First question--Because he's reading on a level way past 2nd grade, he uses a lot of words that the other kids don't even know. I'm worried that they're going to pick on him because of this. Should I talk to him about trying to "fit in," or would that be unfair to him?

Second question--He's bored stiff in school. The school he goes to doesn't have a GT program, and even though I think they would work with me on getting him some enrichment, I don't want to make him feel even more different from his classmates. Or is that also unfair to him?

Third question--He's incredibly awkward and self-conscious in public. Is there any way for me to help him work on that?

I was also a GT child, and my childhood was SO painful because even though my parents acknowledged the academic issues they completely ignored the social ones. Because of this I worry about my son, and I want to do everything I can to make his childhood as free of this emotional pain as possible.

My husband, incidentally, was also a GT child but to an extreme--he was studying enzymes in leech saliva by age 12. Because my husband's experience growing up was so different from mine, he doesn't see the importance of helping our son "fit in" as much as I do and wants to focus more on encouraging him to develop his talents.

I would definitely appreciate any thoughts!

Hmmm...

well, it sounds to me as though your DS is probably beyond "ideally" gifted and into the range of disadvantage, at least socially.

Does he also have problems behavior-wise in school? Does he feel negatively about not learning anything?

If he is happy with his placement, I might lean toward leaving well enough alone...

but-- first I'd want to see what he's like with a group of similar-ability peers. Because it could be that he's a totally different person socially when he has a group of kids that don't just look confused when he uses a word like "befuddled" to describe that look that they're giving him.

I was a child similar to this... and my mom put a VERY high price on social normalcy and conformity. It didn't matter anyway. I felt like a fish out of water because I was a fish out of water. I could really have used authentic enrichment that meant something and put me in touch with similar ability peers. Most of the other kids in the GT program were 'bright' or MG. I was more than that, and it showed even there, unfortunately.

My DD is more like your DH-- and there's simply no way that I could have placed her in a regular classroom with peers. It is what it is, but there's no dressing that up and pretending that you can find anything that "fits" well in either dimension. She's a kid out of place no matter where she is-- we just have to figure out where the "least worst" fit is.

To your questions, based on what you've said... (and understanding that your son's personality and individual needs play a role in the relative importance of academic fit and social fit)

1. No, I would worry that it would make him more self-conscious and that 'dumbing down' is pretty much never the right way to handle this one. Perhaps a gentle discussion about how peers sometimes will need to hear words that they can understand... or that he will need to accept that sometimes they simply don't know what the words mean. That's okay, actually-- and it can be a way for him to CHOOSE which he'd like to do; work on communication skills, or accept that he's a bit different.

2. It really, REALLY depends. If he is happy enough to comply in the classroom, I might leave well enough alone, or introduce extracurricular enrichment instead. That way he can keep the social fit and still have a chance to work at more challenging activities. Is there a local chess club for youth? On the other hand, if his social awkwardness stems from not being with true peers, then some adjustment may improve things socially. You're the best judge of that.

3. Does he say why? In what sorts of 'public' situations? Is it possible that this is sensory in nature and not social at all?

Hi,

Welcome! I was really happy to find this place.

I really think it's possible to do both. Ie do differentiation/enrichment etc and at the same time try to do a few things to support him fitting in. The only thing I definitely would disagree with is cautioning him on speech -- it may be hard to judge which words are the ones to avoid since he's comfortable with all of them, leaving him even more self conscious about opening his mouth.

My parents, caring only about academics and classical opera, were a little oblivious to social norms in our geographic area. As such, my mom did my hair care until I was about 13. I was also dressed too child-like for some years when other kids (girls) had moved on. At the same time they unknowingly gave me wonderful gifts socially by letting me watch TV like my classmates, and buying me a few video games. Any extra piece of shared kid culture helps socially.

My DH's parents, conversely, were much more worried about social status and fitting in. DH did not fit in. I think their focus was not helpful to DH. He ended up doing pretty early experimenting with pot and alcohol which to me hearing about it at admittedly a huge distance, seems like he had absorbed their worry about fitting in (or maybe it was a genetic sort of worry). Personally I think do whatever you can silently to help a child fit in but avoid them seeing that you feel it's a big deal. So much of it isn't in their control but has to do with the dynamics of all the other kids they are around.

So anyhow... volunteer at his school or in some other way check out what the other kids wear, etc, make sure your DS does not stick out visually unless he's the one choosing to. Like are crocs "only for babies" or things like that. And then either ask DS or the teacher what TV shows and video games the kids talk about. A few hours of video games a week won't be as likely to hurt him as feeling completely left out of many school conversations.

But also see about some differentiation, even something as simple as things to do at his desk after he's finished his regular work. It doesn't have to be stamped on his head and even if it is it's probably still worth it.

Polly

This advice is so useful to me. I actually was an English teacher for seven years and worked on this issue with my writing students, but it never occurred to me to apply it to "real life." I see how I can discuss this issue with my son in a meaningful way without making him feel like I'm really saying, "You are smarter than your friends, so you need to talk down to them," which is the LAST message I would ever want to send!

This is a very good point and one I hadn't considered. I think I'm going to look into some extracurricular activities that would let him be in a group of "similar-ability peers." He might be much happier and have an easier time.

I see how discussing the way my son talks with him would make him even more self-conscious than he already is. I like the idea of him "choosing" how he wants to communicate.

In school his behavior is actually extremely good--he saves up all his frustration and lets it out at home, which I guess I prefer to the alternative!

He doesn't seem to be very happy in school. His teacher says that he is very bored and has trouble "connecting"--the example she gave is that when the class is having a discussion, DS just wants to read his book and be left alone. I feel like he COULD be much happier if he would let himself be "engaged." Just because he has some advanced abilities doesn't mean he can't enjoy a conversation about dinosaurs!

By "in public" I mean outside the home in general. DS doesn't like to cry in public (which is very natural) but he also doesn't like to smile. He seems embarrassed to show any feelings, good or bad. It doesn't seem to be a sensory issue (not that I'm a great expert); he just seems to be unusually self-conscious. I wonder how I can help him be more comfortable--it's painful to watch sometimes!

I was also very self-conscious as a child, and in retrospect I feel like I was precocious in my self-awareness in addition to all the other ways. It was like I had the self-awareness of a fifteen-year-old when I was only eight, and I didn't know how to deal with it. Does that make sense?

If my son is experiencing the same problem, I don't really know how to help him. When I was his age I just had to live through it.

Thank you so much for your response--it is EXTREMELY helpful!

Master of none: well put!

DeeDee

OMG! My mother SEWED MY CLOTHES until I was fifteen! AAAAAAAAAGH! Not the best way to help a socially awkward child! I still can't think about those dorky outfits without cringing. She really meant well, but.......

I like the idea of "silently" helping my son to be more comfortable. I'm already thinking of things I can do without making him even more self-conscious.

Oddly enough, a grade skip seems to have helped my DD7 fit in better. It fixed the "bored and miserable" problem (at least for this year), and because it took a while for her to adjust to the 3rd grade academics, she started the year looking "normal smart" and not "weird smart." Her first-grade friends last year had all been kind of socially and academically marginal kids, but her 3rd grade friends are mostly optimally-gifted popular kids.

I was another one whose mother sewed her clothes, and didn't buy me bras, and told me that caring what other people thought was a waste of time. We've really gone the opposite way with DD - I've got a high tolerance for trendy clothing and high-value playdates and high-status gadgets. She took her set of Amulet novels to school earlier this week, and had a whole rotation of borrowers set up - her teacher commented she was the most popular kid in the class because everyone wanted to borrow her books.

I hadn't thought of a grade skip, but it seems like it might be a good idea--I'll definitely keep it in mind.