Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Why would they call this a gift?

I love this!

Hi Syler,
After reading your latest post, I went back to re-read your first post and saw that indeed, the thread has taken a different direction then your original post set up. So...apologies if you feel you've gotten unwanted feedback/advice. I think that one of the hazards of posting in a group like this is that it is a group that is very focused on problem solving, so for many of us, our immediate response is to read a post and offer suggestions--perhaps missing that that is not what was asked for.

Another hazard is more instrinsic to this format of communication: it is normal for conversations to veer a bit off course or change direction, but in this format there isn't the opportunity for immediate correction that can happen in oral conversation (the "that's not what I meant--I was tryng to say/ask/etc...." that we use when we feel we've been misunderstood). In forums like this, we all get to post our complete thought uninterrupted, so as one post follows another, the original focus can change. At some point in the thread, we shifted to an assumption that you were looking for thoughts about how to change things. I suspect too that the two threads you were involved with (this one and 'where are all the adults?') became somewhat joined.

One thing I have seen people do in some past posts is to be really explicit about what they are hoping for in return (e.g. "I'm not looking for any advice here, but I'm wondering if anyone else has ever had the experience of....." or "Just venting for a moment").

Regardless, I'm sorry that you felt attacked. In my experiences here communication is honest but well intended. Our collective experiences are diverse, as are our perspectives. Speaking for myself, sometimes I find the experiences and perspectives shared here to be relevant to my personal situation, and sometimes not (although I still find them interesting ).

FWIW, I don't think that suggestions for things to try/do necessarily reflect a belief that you are in the wrong or the problem. As someone said earlier, we don't get to change other people, so sometimes it is about figuring out how to make less than ideal situations work for us so that we (or our kids, as the case may be) can experience life as positively as possible.

HAha, she's got ya there, Mister. You're the one went looking for some nerds to talk to. And nerds by definition like solving problems. Especially the problems no one else sees because there's no quiestion been clearly defined. ROTFL.

Syler,
I am sorry for replying to the thread at the point I did, and not taking time to read the first post in detail. AS I said, I am MG and possibly AS. I have had the horrible depressions because I never fit in. I spent a long time without any idea how to interact with others, as I stated in my previous response. I now understand that you just wanted comraderie. Honestly, I totally understand thinking of being gifted as not really being a gift. Even now, I tend to think issues are my fault and do not assert myself as well as I should.

I think I have finally worked past the majority of it, and I think the main reason is that I have discovered that pockets of "quirky" people exist anywhere I go. It takes me a while to dig them up, but once I do, I have people who I can feel at home with. I also think that your employment plays a huuge role. This is the first job I've had where I'm surrounded by other gifted/out there type people and it's nice to fit in without having to change who I am. But, I think it's mostly luck that got me here, that, and having to care for two gifted children, so I've had to assert my long-lacking backbone on their behalf.

Thank you for your understanding.

My whole life has been a quest to understand why I have difficulty fitting in. It has been a life filled with pain and self doubt. I am sure there are areas in which I can improve and I'm sure many of you have constructive suggestions and I'm sure most of you posses the ability to frame these suggestions positively. After all, positive comments encourage change and negative ones discourage it.

When I was young, part of the abuse I was forced to endure took the form of me sitting in a chair crying while my father, a large and strong man stood over me with clenched fists screaming for what was sometimes hours at the top of his lungs about everything that was wrong with me. Often these tirades would begin with calm inquisitions in which my character along with every other aspect of my being was put on trial. Of course like all inquisitions my guilt was pre-determined and it was only after every aspect of my being was destroyed, every ounce of self esteem crushed and a confession of my worthlessness rendered did the inquisition end.

So, please forgive me if I am not always completely receptive to people pointing out my faults.

Syler, no child deserves to be treated like that, no matter what.


Done! And I think it's difficult for most people. In fact, I'm impressed that you have kept this conversation constructive. I think a lot of people would have bailed.

Speaking from personal experience... the interplay between giftedness and abuse experiences in childhood does lead to some unique challenges. So, I think this is an important conversation to have.

Difficult to talk about, but let me just say that I agree, also from personal experience.

Look, I'm going to post a letter from my dad here. It's kind of long, but it's great advice for how to have an adult relationship with a parent who has always bullied you. It has to do with setting boundries right now so that you can cultivate a current relationship without putting yourself at their mercy in any way whatsoever. It won't help you figure out how to forgive or heal the past, but it will help you deal with a bully if you want to have a relationship with them right now. And then I'm going to post a wiki-link to an article called a something drama triangle which is kind of a cool theory.

Like I said, it's hard to set those limits - it's hard to keep those limits - and it's hard to communicate those limits. �

It's like raising (your child's name) in a lot of ways... if you're hoping for healing in your relationship with your parents, it will take a lot of patience and a lot of gentle correction of her misunderstandings.

Also, you need to stay intentional about your own internal work. �You need to keep searching your heart and your mind to disconnect all the triggers that you and she have set up over the years. �One of the things I had to work through with my parents was the realization that the "mom and dad in my head" were not the same people as the mom and dad who live in (Anytown, USa) - the head-parents are gross and unfair distortions of the real-parents, and it's not fair of me to blame the real folk for the chatter of the head folk.

Obviously, the real folk are a problem in and of themselves, but it's still a distinction that needs to be paid attention to.

Okay, some practical advice:

Silence is an extraordinarily powerful tool. �When your mom goes off on a rant on the phone, don't answer - either out loud or in your head. �If it's too negative/strong/painful, ignore it, or else just let it flow past you while you look for Truth in all the mush.
When she's talking, don't agree. �Don't disagree. �Don't grunt, don't say "yeah," don't say "but." �Just let her talk her own energy out.

Make silence your habit.

When she stops and asks specific questions, pause. �Take a deep breath. Make sure you're clear - mentally, emotionally, spiritually. �She'll complain about that, and might start into another rant about your pause or whatever -

- at which point you remain silent (ignore or analyze, whichever works internally for whatever she's dishing.)

Eventually, she'll want a reply. �So think clearly, calmly, and answer softly, slowly, lovingly, gracefully. �Use short clear sentences about yourself - don't talk about her. �If your answer is "I can't let your emotional crap infect me anymore," phrase it something like "I'm working on becoming calm and centered and focused."
A series of lines to use - whenever you want or need to:

"I'm sorry, mom, but I can't have this conversation right now. �Can we change the subject?"

...then, when she doesn't change the subject...

"I'm sorry, mom, but since we can't change the subject, I'm going to have to hang up the phone now."

...then, when she still won't let it go - speak over her and say:
"I love you, mom, I'll talk to you again in a week when we're able to better communicate - 'bye." and hang up the phone.

If she calls back, and starts right back in, simply say:

"I'm sorry mom, I can't have this conversation, I love you and I'll talk to you later, goodbye." and hang up again.

Repeat as necessary.

Eventually, just like you're training (your children) - you'll train her.

When she says something that hurts you, or angers you, or frustrates you, or saddens you - take out that emotion and look at it. �Look at why she has the power over you in all those areas. �(I'm not saying that's a negative thing - we all have power over others, and complete strangers have those powers over us oftentimes!) �But those emotions don't come from outside, they come from within; you either have a wound that needs healing, a ghost that needs dispelling, a sin that needs repenting, a lie that needs rebuking, and so on - probably a combination of all of the above, right? <smile>

If God has your mom in your life, assume in every conversation "this present moment is exactly as it should be".
And maybe - just maybe - you can teach her peace, and she'll eventually talk out all the bile and pain and suffering, and the relationship will heal.

When she says something that hurts you, or angers you, or frustrates you, or saddens you - take out that emotion and look at it. �Look at why she has the power over you in all those areas. �(I'm not saying that's a negative thing - we all have power over others, and complete strangers have those powers over us oftentimes!) �But those emotions don't come from outside, they come from within; you either have a wound that needs healing, a ghost that needs dispelling, a sin that needs repenting, a lie that needs rebuking, and so on - probably a combination of all of the above, right? <smile>

BTW - your mom will be very, very frustrated by your indulging in this process - so don't forget the silence. �If she asks "why aren't you talking?" just say - honestly - "I'm just thinking this through."

Tell her about the silence, "I want to make sure I say what I mean clearly so we're talking to each other rather than at or past each other."

And again - she'll always have one of two reactions: either she'll get wound up on a rant again - in which case, just let it flow - or she'll ask the same questions over and over - in which case give the same answers (like "I'm just thinking this through.") �Just because she asks the same question in different ways doesn't mean you have to give different answers.

I have read that about bullies too, you're supposed to phrase your sentences as "I need", "I feel" and never, ever make "you" sentences. I have been following this advice and it has been working.
Here's the wiki-link to the structure of disfunctional family drama- the Karpman Triangle.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle?wasRedirected=true
I'm sorry if it's still trying to "fix things" when everybody else is just trying to talk about it, not necessarily solve it. It's just how I am. Still need to work on saying the right thing rather than digging up the right answer.