Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Does your DH/DW ever make you doubt?

DH just does not get my interest in DDs development. He thinks his 2.5 year old daughter who can read simple words is normal as it is not like she can read anything just very simple books. He says I think she is more advanced than she really is as I often say she is two (she is 2.4). He says I should rather tell she is 3 (her birthday is in summer).

The same man was impressed last year when his then 5 year old nephew learned to read a bit. He still does not read much more than DD. I think he believes I have somehow made DD to be so advanced. I don't think it is true. He thinks all the kids her age could read if someone would bother to tell them the alphabets. I work fulltime and we all go home at the same time so he should know I'm not doing anything special with her.

I can not discuss my joys and concerns honestly with anybody else so I need him to understand. When she knew all her letters and their sounds he said it was "normal" as she could not read yet (this was before she was 2), now that she can, in his mind she does not read well enough.

How can I get him to take me seriously? He makes me doubt too.

Well you do't need to doubt, it is not normal development....could you maybe show him a list of what is normal development. pbs.org has a good one.

DH didn't reaize for a while just how advanced DD was as he was never really around other kids her age, I read him what is normal for her age, and ten we went through the lists together to find out what age it was normal for a child to be doing what DD was...that was very eye opening to both of us.

Also he went to one of her ped appointments wit me and heard the ped say at 2 she was the ost advanced child she had ever sen in all her years of practice and said she was on a 4 year old level cognitively ....I also told him what the ped said the next time we went, which was that she was on a 5 year old level and a 6 year old level in some things.

Dh does not doubt at all now, which I feel very blessed for, and we both know we will face many challanges raising DD.

It has also helped that DH has started to see more children closer to her age so he realizes how different she is.

Do you think there is a reason your DH does not want her to be so advanced? Do you think he has concerns, or something in his past that makes him weary of labeling dd as gifted?

Good luck.

He is more focused on achievement than labels.

I am impressed when any kid learns to read. So many can't.

My DH doesn't really get it either. And it's hard to when you're in your own bubble. I never got it until my oldest was 6+. And it's not really important for us since we're homeschooling. This fall, we started homeschooling my 5 year old. We never did anything with her academic with her before fall as DH well knows. But she is whipping through material as fast as we give it to her and I've put him in charge of ordering some curriculum for her. He's piecing it together.

It's funny - when people ask me why we homeschool I might say school wasn't a great fit for DS and elaborate if asked. We live in a high GT area and I'm surprised how many people get it immediately.

When people ask DH why we homeschool, he responds because I want to. LOL - I guess that's an easy and somewhat accurate answer. But it surely wasn't our initial plan. Our kid did attend 2 years of PS. Probably about 1 year too many for him.

My husband was also skeptical when DS was that age. He tried to tell me that DS had "memorized" books he hadn't seen before. I think it was simply denial/disbelief. It wasn't long though before the reading became undeniable and enough to give anyone who witnessed it pause.

I'm sure your DH has lots of good qualities, and it would be nice if he supported you in this particular way, but you do not actually need him to understand. You have us. You might be able to find face to face people in your state gifted group. You might have to hire professionals. You might have to shake the family tree and your friendship network or religious group, but you will find someone to talk with honestly. His loss if he isn't ready to share this with you, but everyone gets there in their own time.

It is your internal doubts that are bothering you the most. Conquere them, and your DH will fall into line.

In the meantime, read 'losing our minds, gifted children left behind' and send DH on playdates with normally developing agemates. That may be easier said than done, as it's sometimes hard to find agemates your child will enjoy who aren't themselves gifted, but do it anyway. Send him to some 'mommy and me' type classes and let him see for himself. It will take as long as it needs to take. Sorry. and it isn't fair. But I am grateful that your child has at least one parent who 'gets it.'

Love and more love,
Grinity

I think it is harder for their dads if they are not around other children the same age. We go through the same thing over here. He actually thinks she is slow half the time and she knew letter sounds at 1.5, did complex puzzles,said things like "an octogon has eight sides" well before two, knew pentagons, trapezoids, etc. by 1.5, read words and easy books at 2, and was even spelling at two and on and on. She is three now and talks about feeling suffocated and needing to concentrate and enjoying conversation, makes up elaborate songs and stories and memorized hundreds of stories songs and poems and can read some fairly large words. I really don't know what is normal either, and even though she has been tested and has high scores, I wonder if she really is gifted, but people are contantly commenting on what she says and knows and I am around other young kids, but honestly, I really don't know what normal two and three year olds do. I do spend time with her, but she pulls things out of the air that surprise me and I didn't teach her directly

My DH understands but isn't that involved in it--he says it's my job (since I don't work). I update him but he doesn't like it when I ramble about choices, decisions, issues, etc. I've heard it's characteristic of men that I need to ask him one thing specifically (e.g. Should DS skip another grade?) rather than tossing out ideas for an hour.

I loved that when my mom was alive she'd listen to me bounce around ideas or dilemmas, and now it's just me. I try to involve the kids more in the decision-making.

I don't have any advice for you other than to stay strong (and silent if need be). Your child is indeed special and it may be a lonely prospect, but it's yours nonetheless.

I try to be very clear with my DH what I need from him. Sometimes I want him to help me brainstorm solutions, sometimes I just want to hear my own voice as I ramble, etc.

Knowing what you're looking for from a spouse and making those needs plain (to yourself as much as to your spouse) can really help keep communication positive, useful and on track.

DH thought DS5 was below the middle of the curve, honestly. He readily accepted that DS8 was HG+ because his learning style and personality are very similar to ours. But I was always "defending" (the "" is because it wasn't quite that bad, but close!) DS5's intelligence. Of course, now it's looking like even I was underestimating DS5. But at least I wasn't as far off as DH was!

My DH came from a family that made a huge deal out of his giftedness, constantly telling him he was special, smart, better in comparison to a sibling, always on the phone telling relatives etc about his latest accomplishment. Just talking about it makes DH uncomfortable. He says sometimes when he sees DS do something oddly ahead it makes him proud but in a egotistical way that he immediately loathes. So he'll downplay it trying to get away from feeling that. Basically sometimes when he thinks about DS being gifted he feels uncomfortable or guilty.

Other times he thinks about in a more practical (what the heck are we going to do) sort of way, and that seems more healthy and productive to me. And I do see him seem genuinely happy for DS many times when he accomplishes something, that is nice.

I don't really get why he isn't as wowed as me, in that holy cow amazement or simple appreciation of the unusual. I get that a lot, he doesn't. I'd love for him to say, "you'll never believe what DS did today".

I do doubt occasionally and more than I would if I had a different DH... doubt is good though as when doubt is removed we yet again realize not to take our kids for granted.

It is really nice to have this forum.

Polly