Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Please help me regain perspective

OK folks I need you to help me regain perspective and get my head back into a good place about DD9's out of district placement. Sorry it's so long...

For 2 years I chronicled our struggles coming out of an awful inter district magnet that refused to even consider DD for an LD evaluation, punished her for her disabilities and in the process initiated school based anxiety and a PTSD type reaction to aggressive kids, angry adults and punitive behavior management techniques. Things started well at the local public following her 2E identification with a profile no one in the school or district had ever seen before. Unfortunately there was a really horrible principal at this school who targeted DD and, in the words of our pediatrician, "attempted to intentionally exacerbate her anxiety." DD was diagnosed with migraines and had a totally wasted year in 2nd grade as the district was totally incapable of meeting her needs. Educational consultant, spec Ed attorney, psychologist, neuropsychologist all became involved and we ended up with out of district placement at a (relatively) local spec Ed school.

I posted here about how amazingly well DD was doing in this placement. They are addressing the LD issues, incorporating assistive technology into all parts of her curriculum and have her in an 8th grade reading comprehension group to address her areas of strength. No signs of anxiety. Her migraines doing better - we have had to triple her preventative meds but no taking ibuprofen in school since September when she started bringing in Gatorade to drink through out the day.

All going great - right? I can take a well deserved break and just bask in the glory of DD's success. Well...

As part of the program the district arranged for an outside educational consultant to review her program to make sure her needs were being met. Our consultant and attorney both said this person was very good, very well respected. DH and I met with her and filled her in on DD's prior school experiences, we explained that we trusted the classroom teachers and were very impressed with the progress they were making in all the areas of weakness. Our concerns were that the school administration was really in many ways an extension of our distinct that we didn't trust. When for 3 weeks the district would not allow DD to touch the iPad they provided school did not take a stand to get DD access to it. When the district changed the school bus route to require DD to spend a full hour on the bus (thereby triggering a daily migraine) the school would not take a position to address it. The director told us in no uncertain terms that any questions or concerns we raise to them will be immediately turned over to the district. As we explained to the outside consultant we understood this as a business decision - a full 20% of the school's students are sent by our district. They need to protect that relationship. This does not, though, make it easy for us to trust them. The other concern was to make sure that they were really able to address the gifted portion of her 2E profile. We wanted to make sure the content of the 8th grade reading group would be appropriate for our then 8 year old. As part of her report consultant did not observe the 8th grade reading group or speak with the teacher. (Who we have never met. She has never come to an IEP meeting or PT conference. Or communicated with us for that matter.) Outside consultant posed the content questions to the regular classroom teacher who was, at that time, doing 1:1 enrichment once per week in an area of DD's choice. Obviously the content here was appropriate and we looked foolish in her written report for even asking the question.

Because of the nature of the school each student has a social/emotional goal in their IEP. The day before our last IEP meeting DD came home confused because the SW suggested a goal of "having her response match the size of the problem." DD was confused by this and couldn't think of a single example of when this would have been an issue. At the meeting the next day, with this consultant in attendance, I asked about this. The school staff acknowledged that this was an awkward, not very appropriate goal. We were assured that their were no real social/emotional issues and that they would talk to DD and together brainstorm a more legitimate goal to put into the IEP. As part of the discussion the teacher said that earlier that day DD had gotten upset, for the first and only time that year, because she had pointed out something one of her classmates was doing wrong and the teacher had told her that saying that would hurt his feelings. It's not really a problem but if they are looking for a social/emotional goal maybe look at not correcting her classmate's behavior. I asked why bother having a social/emotional goal if there aren't really any problems to be addressed. In the consultant's report this "problem" was referenced 4 times. DD was identified as behaving in an obnoxious way that was alienating her classmates. This behavior was not observed by the consultant, the teacher said she never said anything to her about it other than the brief reference at the IEP meeting and told us that it is absolutely NOT an issue.

OK so fast forward to January when we get this report and a request from the district for an IEP meeting so we can formally accept It. We say no. In our minds the primary purpose of the report was to see if DD's 2E needs were being met and the consultant did not address this. Unless/ until that is addressed we consider it an incomplete report and see no reason for a meeting. She also specifically stated in the report that both the classroom teacher and the school administrators had fully earned our trust. That is a very awkward one to try to correct...

We pointed out that it was the end of January and DD still did not have the audio books for the high level reading group and this had to be addressed. The school administrator got back to the district that we were mistaken and yes, DD did in fact have the audio books. Turns out they FINALLy got the audio CDs after this complaint, loaded them onto the teacher's computer and then reported to the district that she did in fact have them. Not "yes it took way too long and we were equally frustrated but they are now I place." No instead , "the parents were mistaken and the CDs are there."

A follow up call with the teacher, where she confirmed that she never said anything about DD being obnoxious or disliked and that that was a total mischaracterization, we also find out that the 1:1 enrichment has not occurred for a long time (ie, maybe December 1 or so) because of a schedule change. I pointed out that our main concerns about this placement have been whether or not they can meet her gifted needs and she didn't get the audio books, she's not getting her enrichment, the 8th grade teacher has never come to a meeting, etc. This all makes it look like the enrichment piece isn't being taken seriously and despite the progress being made with AT and the LD issues we have to decide if we need to look at pushing for the 2E school after all. She assures me that enrichment will be restarted the next day and that DD can have it every day during their "resource period" since she completes all her work in a timely manner and doesn't need that period to finish her work. Later that day I get an email saying teacher discussed all of this with the director and she "considers the report factually accurate." No longer a friendly, cooperative tone of voice. No longer a total mischaracterization.

Because of snow days last week DD had only 3 days of school. I was called each of those 3 days to authorize them to give her ibuprofen for a headache and to come to school early to get her. (2 of those days I convinced her to stay until the end of the day but not until I dropped everything and drove the half hour to the school.) I told them that they have doctor's orders on file and if DD needs ibuprofen they can give it to her - they don't have to wait until they reach me or DH. They claimed they were required under state law to speak to us first. I pointed out that our district regularly gave her meds as needed and sent a note home at the end of the day so it is obviously not state law. I also told them that we cannot send her into school if they will not medicate her if needed.

We got the consultant's addendum and teacher told her that her report was "100% accurate" and consultant is now recommending embedded social skills work. Totally opposite of what teacher told us. Now suddenly the 5/6th grade reading group is "above her level" where just a couple of weeks ago the 8th grade group was easy for her. Never any mention before about 5/6th being anything but super easy for her. I seriously doubt that DD's abilities have actually dropped. Seems like a change in attitude at work instead...

So now we have lost trust in the classroom teacher as well. We have no doubt that they are/will address the LD issues as this is a specialty for the school. However we don't consider it a coincidence that DD's migraines have ramped up as the teacher's attitude towards us has changed. We do not feel we can discuss our concerns with the teacher because she will send it right to the director who will send it right to the district. We do not want to communicate anything to the district unless we are at a point that we are willing to bring consultant or attorney into the issue. It seems that all of this comes from school and outside consultant (both paid for by distinct) being in a position to support district's position that 2E needs can/ are being met so we don't renew the fight for placement at the 2E school out of state.

So please, if you can, tell me why/how I should not let this shake our confidence in this placement. Help me regain trust. Help me brainstorm ways we can make this work.

{{hugs}} Pemberley. I haven't read your full post-- just the first few sentences, but I get the sense that hugs are DEFINITELY in order.

UGh-- yes, I can see why you're left reeling by the sudden about-face from the teacher.

I think that you probably should send a message to the teacher that you regard this as a Very Serious Matter, and that you are Deeply Confused by her sudden turn-around in rhetoric.

Conference. NOT an IEP meeting-- a conference. With the teacher.

If she tries to pull others into that conference, I'd act PUZZLED, since you're trying to understand something that seems to be about nothing more than the teacher's observations and you're just trying to Re-establish Clear Communication.

You know, since you've been confused lately. (And wow, who wouldn't be??)

Then, in person, in a heart-to-heart conversation, let the teacher know that you ARE honestly confused, and worried that your child is starting to experience signs of distress. What has the teacher noticed happening that might explain this??

My hope is that if you try de-escalation like that with the teacher, she might level with you about who is pressuring her and from what direction.

Then you have a path forward. As I see it, you don't at the moment, because while clearly someone has been tinkering behind the scenes, you don't know exactly who or how.

Unfortunately it sounds like you may be dealing with a very insular inter-relationship of organizations spanning institutions. Here are a few ideas about breaking it down into its various constituent elements and establishing facts.

You may wish to request dates/times for each item. For example...
You may wish to have the report include the date/time when materials were put in place, as well as who performed the function. The school would typically have records of how time was spent, when things were done, who was responsible/accountable (or may need to begin keeping such records).

Other parents have posted on recent threads that they have stated at the beginning of meetings that they would be recording the meeting so they are free from taking notes and can better participate. Recording meetings may help you as well.

You may wish to request information behind report statements such as reading group placement (ie - what facts substantiate 5/6th grade reading group is "above her level", after being told a few weeks ago that the 8th grade group was easy for her). It seems there were several items like this in your post, you may wish to make a list and ask them to "help you understand"... by providing the source documents behind these ideas in their report.

You may wish to make a list of discrepancies for a "help me understand" list for the teacher as well.

Meanwhile, I credit you for your composure. In regard to "attempted to intentionally exacerbate her anxiety", be aware of the possibility of this recurring and also the possibility of "relational aggression"... both of which can have devastating and lasting effects while being made to look accidental, coincidental, or non-existent. Remember the theory of six degrees of separation... as it applies to our children's education, the nemesis is never far away. It is wise to be cautious.

Wish I had more to offer than stay calm, break it down into its constituent parts, seek facts including date/time, record meetings, and ask them to "help you understand".

I am so sorry things are like this right now, Pemberley. {{{{Hugs}}}} I agree with Howler, that is, get a conference with just the teacher - make sure it doesn't turn into an iep. I know this isn't helpful but I do not trust schools at all. And we haven't been through half of what you have. I think our 2E children are just too difficult/complicated for them to understand - they just can't deal with not having a "box." This is why I turn down any "observations" or "consultations" by the district anymore no matter how nice and how much they tell me "it is for DS"... they always seem to have their own agenda and it seems NEVER to be in the best interest of the child. Not that I am saying this is any way your fault - just saying you can not flippin' trust them. I can have a cordial rel'p with DS's teacher but I do not trust her at all. Sometimes I feel paranoid and then I read stuff like this...

My DS's school wanted to do a FBA recently of him. Why? I have no idea. They just observed him for attention and we figured out when and exactly how much attention is waning. I am lucky that turned out alright and it turned out he's not nearly as bad as they were representing. He is not in trouble, not a discipline problem (other than really very minor normal stuff). Now they want to do an FBA? WHy? I find it suspicious - it's like whatever they were hoping to get out of the attention observations they didn't get it. They are after something. I just don't know what. They were all like "oh you can meet with the behaviorist and get comfortable, see if you can trust her." Yeah, okay. I pretended to entertain the idea and then declined consent. I am sure the FBA-lady is all prepped and ready for me. LOL ... And by whom is this woman paid? For whom does this woman work? Yeah, thought so . Will she "observe" and document" every time a para-professional or teacher makes disparaging comments to my son about his disability in front of everyone? Every time one of them shames him for his disability while refusing him his accommodations and see how that affects his behavior? (Like what JUST happened a few days ago when DS's language arts teacher refused to give him his accommodations despite his asking for them, and told him "Please, it's just a little worksheet." And this is the second time she has refused to give DS is accommodations and refused to allow him access in some way to the lesson. DS had to sit out the lesson because he could not keep up with the writing and no one seems to know how to scan worksheets and let him do it on the computer ... In fact, no one seems to know how to teach at all unless they have a gosh-darn worksheet. God forbid we do SOMETHING other than an F'ing worksheet!) How about we get someone to do a functional behavioral assessment of the prejudiced teachers and staff? Let's do one of how they treat disabled and learning disabled children. Belittling them. Making sarcastic comments. Being so very reluctant to give them their accommodations even when its not really any skin off of their nose! How about that? Yeah, I didn't think that would be part of it. No, it's all about trying to prove that DS has atypical behavior. I know he is "atypical" you morons! He is physically disabled and has an LD (he CAN NOT WRITE... he spends all day where all anyone does and wants him to do is write and he CAN NOT physically do it) but has a very gifted IQ and exceptionally gifted VCI. Yeah - shocking that he'd be a bit atypical under those circumstances.

Sorry I totally went off there. I despise them all, Pemberley, really I do - we're just lucky they are no longer allowed to beat them.

Hi, Pemberley--

As you know, I am no stranger to brick walls, but the ones that your district throws up are SOMETHING ELSE. You have shown a lot of fortitude and a lot of forbearance. The big question I see is where you draw the line on forbearance and demand the move to the other school.

My sense is that you're not QUITE there yet, but that line isn't so far away and you're probing for where it is. That seems reasonable to me.


We have been very excited for DD. This latest change is alarming.

Do you still have your own advocate/consultant on board?


Has this now been addressed? Because it is a clear violation of your DD's rights for them to leave it unaddressed. This is a health need: I assume it is well documented in the IEP?


Give not another thought to looking foolish. Anyone who makes you feel that way is possibly trying to manipulate you.

I find it very strange that the teacher has not been at IEP meetings, and a little unusual that the consultant wasn't able to make time to observe DD in the reading placement.


Does the SW belong to the school or the district?


Which school staff told you that?

This is something you might have your "people" (outside advocate?) look into. Because this definitely is all very fishy.


Yes, the person who pays the bills has some influence over the content of the report. Your best ammunition right now is serious data obtained by your own people: observation by your advocate, progress report from your private psychologist, and so forth. Gather.


Correct.


Can you ask the consultant to address the outstanding substantive issues, in writing? (The consultant has no basis for reporting on the trust issue or anything else concerning your emotions: the report should be based on data and directly observable phenomena.)


I know you are documenting everything. I wonder whom the most effective audience is for this set of complaints. Who in the district is responsible for this placement-- superintendent? It may be time to take the documentation, summarize it in a neat package, and let the person who can fix these problems see it. Because these are big, systemic problems you're facing.

If the district is still violating your DD's rights, there ought to be hell to pay. Surely they know that by now.


Is that enrichment guaranteed in the IEP? IF so, that's a violation as well. They can't pull services without your consent.


I see HK's point here.


I hear you on that too-- but it is possible to voice the questions to the teacher and communicate that you feel confusion, giving the teacher a chance to explain herself-- without tipping your hand further about plans. You could get the answers, thank her for her time, walk out and document.


I'd say you're probably at the point where consultant and/or attorney are warranted.


But you have documentation that they weren't meeting the needs, and this business about lowering the reading level needs to be addressed. What evidence can they show (besides consultant's testimony-- I'm talking evidence) that the lower level class is appropriate? If none, this is egregious. If they have evidence, you have a right to examine it and bring your own to contradict theirs.

Pemberley, I know precisely how exhausted you are. I think it's time to gather your allies and address these issues directly, so that you will know whether it's time to fight to pull DD to the 2E school, or whether the issues can be corrected in place.

I'm not sure which of those is the right thing right now, but I fully believe that you are the parent who can make it happen as it should.

Hang in there.

Thanks everyone. I was a bit disheartened that no one had a more optimistic viewpoint. I was kind of hoping for responses that would point out positives I was missing. Big sigh... I'm trying to focus on how well they are remediating her deficits and the progress being made on the AT front but these other things are really, REALLY big problems.

OK now to get practical in addressing what's going on. I have to check with our consultant but thanks to you all I have a plan formulated in my head. That helped me avoid a totally sleepless night.

I am thinking that if they want everything to involve the district and if the district wants this report to document that they are meeting her 2E needs I should use that to my advantage. I am going to request data. Lots of data - lots of specific data. I am going to tell the district that we need to see specific dates that EVERYTHING occurred, Yes as you suggested the date these audio books were actually loaded onto the teacher's computer. In fact I want to know the date and time. This 8th grade reading text is an anthology. I want to know exactly how DD was presented every flipping piece of it from day one. Was she presented with this reading outside of class time? Did she listen to an audio version? If so on what date? In what format? Where? Overseen by whom? Using earphones or listening to it over speakers? Was it read aloud to her? If so by whom? Where? When? If she heard it only read aloud during class time was the student with unintelligible speech one of the readers? Was she provided a printed copy to follow? If so was it a large print clear copy? Exactly which readings was it that they gave her a small/blurry copy? Etc, etc, etc.

For this missing enrichment piece (I think I forgot to mention that we were "mistaken" about this too. The new plan to present her with daily enrichment during Resource Period was presented by the outside consultant as what had been going on all along...) I want to know week by week from the beginning of the year exactly which days DD received this 1:1 enrichment, what they did, on what topic, etc. It had been scheduled for a specific day and time each week so if shouldn't be *too* onerous to go back and reconstruct all of this - right? I mean I'm sure that all of this information must be in the teachers records. Yeah and this stuff about the 5/6th grade reading group. Our understanding is the reason she was in the 8th grade group rather than a high school level group is the school's intake testing showed that to be appropriate for her comprehension level (although below neuropsych levels). Surely they don't mean to be implying that her gifted side has actually lost ground do they? I mean, ya know, without the audio books and proper supports in place for that class...

And with the migraines and refusal to administer meds without talking to me or DH because of state law - Wow district - we are confused. Does this mean that every time your nurse administered ibuprofen in accordance with the doctor's orders on file YOU were violating state law???? For two full years???? Gosh I hope not! Please provide us a copy of the state law school is referring to! Oh you mean you weren't violating the law? Really??? Oh the school must be confused huh? Maybe you can help explain to them how/why they must be misinterpreting. DH wants to keep DD out unless/until we get this addressed. Luckily she is off this week for February break and has an appointment with the neurologist the first day back.

So what do you think? More I can/should add? Any other ideas?

Yes, that is the beauty and simplicity of scheduling the delivery of services. For their convenience, going forward, you may wish to accept a weekly record of services? If received on a weekly basis, that may save them time as well as allowing you to review/verify with DD (if you choose to) while the events are still fresh on her mind. It also makes it difficult for them to go back and manufacture details or falsify records. It provides accountability while keeping everyone current and on the same page. More facts means there is simply less room for interpretation.

It is possible that everything is being run past the school district's legal team. As mentioned by others, you may wish to involve your team in engaging the school on your behalf. You may wish to take a step back.

I agree with your plan. The beauty of the IEP is they are REQUIRED BY LAW to follow it - that means DOCUMENTATION. You can be darn sure they are recording every minute they spend accommodating her - that's HOW THEY GET PAID.

When I even hinted to my son's school that I was concerned he wasn't receiving the services provided for him in the IEP (and I mentioned the specific time per week that was in the IEP) they ******* and the next day started doing not only what was in the IEP, but made up for every minute he'd lost the weeks prior. This wasn't entirely out of the kindness of their heart. If they hadn't, I could have sued them.

I *hope* when you start requesting specifics, and let them know you are fully aware of exactly what is in her IEP and you need them to show you exactly how, in writing, they are meeting that IEP, ****

I just want to point out that they have given you (and everyone here) a very powerful weapon with that phrase: "The response should match the size of the problem."

The school's response should match the size of the problem that your child is having.

So far, it's not even coming close.

Okay - one optimistic viewpoint coming up. There is no getting around the fact that you are in the middle of a yucky situation. However, there are some big positives. While ideally both the E's should be addressed simultaneously, at this age and stage, the disabilities are far more critical. They have been doing an excellent job with remediating the disabilities. I visited and researched several reputedly top 2E schools many years ago and while they do address both E's, I found that they don't end up addressing both E's as well as a school dedicated to either, if that makes sense.

The school experience has been mostly good for your DD until very recently, so there is hope that she can get back to that same place once the dust settles. The main goal appears to be to get that enrichment piece back in place and the school accountable for providing/reporting it consistently.

It appears that the school is concerned with getting in the middle of a lawsuit between you and the district given the extensive history. That may be why their focus has shifted to CYA. It may be that your DD is feeling (even subcounsicously) their tension in the way they are currently handling her. At a minimum, the school will be careful in how they do everything now, which is not all bad in your attempt to get compliance.

The ibruprofen thing is likely not intended to irk you. The school is very concerned with a lawsuit so it will do everything possible to CYA. I have a ds with an extremely serious and complicated medical history and you wouldn't believe the craziness that has gone on. Let's just say that they have called the ambulance needlessly and I have had to talk the paramedics down and arrive in person to show them the error of their ways. Over time, I have been able to defuse emergencies over the phone rather than show up in person or take DS home. However, I still get phone calls over every flipping thing, including minor things like ibruprofen and banadges. The good thing is that they will now proceed to do their job while awaiting my return call. I did specify that I wasn't going to freaking sue them, at least over administering necessary meds. My point is that a different standard was used with my DS and it almost seem like it was policy because it was someone like my DS.

Sorry, I can't think of anything else positive. Good luck in getting back to a good place.