Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Why do I feel guilty all the time?

Do I just feel guilty all the time because I'm a mother now and that is just how it is?

I constantly feel guilty anymore. DD took 2 or 3 naps (longer than 10 minutes) this ENTIRE WEEK. I need alone time. I feel so guilty because I love her and I know she wants to be with me, but I need a break. I went and picked up food today and left her with DH for an hour. I even ate most of mine in the car so I could be alone. I felt guilty for leaving her, and guilty for enjoying it. Then I felt guilty for eating crappy food when I am breastfeeding her (and also enjoying said food.)

I feel guilty because she fusses and cries with DH, but if I don't have him watch her for a bit, I'm gonna go nuts.

Last night, DH and I went on our 2nd date since DD was born. I felt guilty for having alcohol, guilty for eating crappy, and guilty for leaving DD home because we saw other babies eating out (and guilty for also enjoying myself ha.)

I feel guilty for wanting to "deprive" her of junk food, tv, and plastic toys (I am mostly successful at this so far.) Then I feel guilty when I sit her in front of the TV with some plastic toys my mom gave her to watch a baby signs DVD or Word World because I am desperate to cook some food, etc. I feel guilty because I don't feed her food enough and feel too tired to make purees after cooking our time and labor intensive whole foods meals. (I am waiting for more teeth. She has two only.)

Then I feel guilty when I give her a big chunk of plum or whatever to gnaw on because my motives suck. I generally give her food so she will be busy for a bit and not because I am a good mother feeding her baby like she should.

I feel guilty because we don't go out enough because it is way too hot here. I feel guilty she has some plastic toys and is around stuff in my house that probably has flame retardant and other nasties in it. I feel guilty for using our poor dog to "baby-sit" so DD stays busy playing with her for awhile (next to me, of course, while I read these forums or something.)

I also really suck as a housewife and I'm certainly spending way more money on things than my fledgling business is bringing in. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

I basically just feel like a crap mother, but I feel guilty when I do things and guilty when I don't do the same things, so really, how can I win?

Maybe this should go on MDC or something, but most of my guilt stems from me probably being too idealistic and a perfectionist and from DD never sleeping and needing so so so much from us. You all might understand some of this. But maybe I take it way too far.

A big part of mother hood is feeling guilty and it's really not fair becuase most Moms need more support.

You need a break, and don't have to do everything perfect to be a great Mom. One thing I wish I did was specifically put time aside for dating and myself. If you do this you will help yourself be a better Mom.

My kids are 8 and 11 now. This all will pass. Try to treasure the good things you have and give yourself a pat on the back.

Thank you. I am considering joining a local Zumba class on weekend mornings. I would also like to just go hide in the local library for a few hours, but I bet exercise will help me more.
DH plays soccer every weekend for a few hours and he sure doesn't act guilty for it! What I don't like is how miserable DD acts when I leave her just with DH. But maybe some alone time together will help the two of them.

By letting her stay with your husband, you are providing the very valuable opportunity for the two of them to develop their own relationship. Not letting them have time alone together would be cheating both of them. Seriously.

Children have two parents. Adults need time to themselves, time without another body on them and at them. You are better equipped to be the great mommy you want to be when you have had an hour or so to yourself knowing that your DD is in good hands - and I'm sure that with your DH counts as being in good hands.

As someone who firmly believes in the virtues of whole foods, the dangers of xeno-estrogens, and the mind-numbing effects of TV, I can tell you that, despite the occasional "lapse", you are almost certainly providing a much cleaner, healthier, and supportive environment for your child than the overwhelming majority of children will ever experience. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

I will be blunt here. I only feel free to do this because I've been exactly where you are (in Florida in the summer in a new home, no less), and if someone hadn't been blunt with me, things might have gone very differently, and not at all well. Your child will not be stunted developmentally because you ate junk food because it was quick and easy and tasted good a few times while you were breastfeeding, and your child will not be stunted developmentally because she occasionally played with a plastic toy from Grandma, and she will not be stunted developmentally because you let her sit in front of Sesame Street for thirty minutes once in a while while you actually ate a meal and talked to another grown up human being, but having a mother who gives herself a mental breakdown from trying to live to an impossible standard could do real damage.

Your job is not to be the perfect mother. Your job is to be a good-enough mommy for the child you have to get what she needs - not everything she wants. And that starts with taking care of yourself well enough so that you can take care of her without having a breakdown.

I'd send hugs, but the last thing you probably want right now is someone hanging all over you, so I'll just send a virtual sensory deprivation chamber instead.

HTH

What aculady says! Also, though, there's absolutely no reason your DD should be getting purees or any special food, and actually, every reason why she shouldn't. So please don't feel guilty about that! Teeth are absolutely not necessary for dealing with lumps - feel those gums! (The teeth that arrive early are not even helpful for dealing with lumps, if you think about it.) I basically never cooked special food for my DS; he sat at the table with us and had a bit of whatever we were eating that I thought he might fancy, maybe mashed with a fork if I thought he wouldn't be able to handle it otherwise. (Babies do apparently differ in how prone they are to choking, and you do of course have to avoid serving food with non-squashable lumps of the size that could easily block the windpipe; that means no slices of frankfurter or whole grapes, though, not avoiding lumps in the mashed potato ;-) Admittedly I did occasionally decide what we were eating on the basis that I wanted to introduce something to DS! Under a year the point of food is not really nutrition, apart maybe from topping up iron stores if you're otherwise exclusively breastfeeding; it's all about being exposed to different tastes and textures and to the fun experience of eating. In fact if she doesn't get any solid food one day, it's not a big deal. Chill, and enjoy your baby!

OK, 7.5 month is a tough time to be a stay at home mom, in the summer in a hot clim, for a mom with perfectionistic view point - no question...but

Now that you've gotten it out, could you write just as passionately for just as long about how blessed you are at this moment in your life. I suspect that you could. Give it a try! Get it down in writing all the ways you are a good mom and have a good life, ok?

I agree with the rest that it's time to step back and send Dad and daughter out together into the world while you unpack the house, or leave them home while you get out. Or start looking for a regular babysitter or a housekeeper or another mom of a similar aged kid that you can trade babysitting duty while the one who's house it is gets to clean/organize.

You probably are being too idealistic and perfectionist, this appears to be your next challenge. It's a lovely challenge to have and very important to take on. If you don't then you'll turn it on DH and DD eventually, and that will break your heart as much as reading about how you turn it on yourself breaks my heart. This is YOUR life and you get to decide which voices play in your head. I'm much more worried about your 'junk food' thoughts than I am about your 'junk food' diet.

Some people don't eat food that they don't believe in - that's beautiful. But is there any restaurant within your budget that serves food that passes your standards? If so, go there - or back a romantic picnic - or something. Otherwise be suspect of those voices in your head that say you are eating 'crap.' My skin crawls when you use that word to describe your diet. What's so idealistic about beating yourself up emotionally?

So yes, my vote is for you to get tough on your 'thought patterns' and question them and to get back to the main things: Growing your relationship with your DH, learning how to get his help in a sustainable way, supporting his relationship with DD, getting the house into enough order that it can start sending some happy messages, really enjoying those local mom-friends.
It's hard that your DD cries and fusses easily - but that is who she is (Apples and trees?) and your job is to help her accept who she is, rather than treat the situation as a sign that something (her?) is terribly wrong. Some babies are just plain grumpy!

Actually you might try talking to her about it. Sort of: "I notice that something is bothering you. You senses are very alert and you notice many things and that feels uncomfortable sometimes. That's how living in a body is sometimes. We have our ups and downs." or even

"I see that something is bothering you and you are fussing, but you are being really strong - you could be crying full out now, but instead you are hanging in and observing life. Good for you. Thanks for sticking with us."

Hope that helps!
Grinity

Many parents overestimate how much their minor decisions about parenting will affect their children in the long run, leading to unwarranted feelings of guilt. I suggest reading the book "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids", by Bryan Caplan, discussed at http://giftedissues.davidsongifted.org/BB/ubbthreads.php/topics/98909/1.html .

You could always form or join a local mom coupon group. When my wife has time, she plays with coupons. It's pretty much free money the way the stores have their coupons set up thses days and you can stock up on things.

Of course, there are some rather stange people out there in coupon world, but with the economy the way it is, this has become more popular.

Ideally, you avoid the competitive people who have taken to photographing their massive storge rooms full of 40 containers of detergent.

Do the flylady. �I must be echoing. �It re-trains your mommy brain and makes you instantly nicer to everyone in your family, including yourself. �You're part of the family too. �And so's your husband. �And so's your baby. �That's important. �Flylady will make it sink in. � And use the cozi calendar. �I put it off but it didn't really take long to import the lists after all and it's fun even if I don't do it perfect. �Hint: �it's not about cleaning. �It's called Finally Loving Yourself. �

I am overly permissive in providing a screen time rich environment. �My brother is a professional video game designer. �My dad works with movies professionally, so I'm anti-sold on the evils of electronics even though I read all the negative beliefs reguarding screen time and attention issues and �lack of imagination. �I don't know. �On one hand I can see it.

Just a thought. �I'm not saying your thread is off-topic. �You could always make a "Gifted Discussions Forum" thread in finding your tribe at MDC and invite us to your thread in your siggy so we're reminded of it & �know about it. �"Davidson Gifted Family Life Spin-Off."

Yes, that exactly. You've received a lot of great advice on this thread. My suggestion would be to pick a couple of things that you can commit to like maybe two or three times a week exercise class and getting out at least once every weekend for two hours without her. Do what recharges your batteries most - coffee with a friend, time alone reading a book, going to a matinee or whatever.

Once you commit to those things circle a date on the calendar - maybe three months for now. If you aren't feeling significantly better I think it is time to talk to a therapist and see if you would benefit from some more formalized help in learning to recognize your negative thinking patterns and find ways to get in a better place.