Dazy,
I want to start with saying that I get all teary reading your description, because it's clear to me that you are a very dedicated mom, in a situation that is very painful. I've been there myself, and it takes a truckload of nobility of spirit to go through what you are willing to go through. Reversing Underachievement is difficult, painful and takes rather a long time. It's pretty much only you who can stick in there with your son in this junction, but I am confident that you will eventually get to your goal, and I'm so proud of you for getting yourself into this mess. What you are doing for your son is a very big deal, that just plain isn't asked of most parents. Your love for your son is clearly evident. You will win this one, it will just take time.
Here are some thought I have about making the journey easier, but remember that I am not at your house, and living through it first hand. These ideas are not meant to criticize your parenting in any way - only to offer you some 'outside the box' ideas, because I'm getting the picture that life inside the current box isn't fun right now. I did have access to these ideas, and DS14 and I still got through this period, just exposure to the 'non-instant' learning part of the readiness level will do the job eventually. I'm just hoping that these ideas will get you through more quickly and less isolated than I went through.
Here is an example. He is doing a dictation. Granted, it is a difficult one with lots of dialogue. I show it to him beforehand, we discuss it, etc. I give the dictation. This is from Bravewriter. He keeps asking if there is a quotation or if the em dash is inside or outside the quotations etc. I answer his questions.
You can change your role in this dance, Dazey. You can have a rule against 'multiple questions.' When he asks the same question for the 2nd time, you can require that he make a flashcard to refer to, or you can make him one to add to his rule collection. I've seen little notebooks made of 3 x 5 cards all spiral bound together. You could have rule books for different topics, grammar, math, etc. You could insist that he write it down the first time.
Then when he heads to 'over and over land' do not allow him to 'dance' with you about it. Point to the note card pile, and when he finds the correct one, express genuine excitement: "You handled your strong feelings well. You wanted to know the answer, and you found it!" That way you are feeding him attention (our strongest reinforcer) and relationship when he is problem-solving instead of hissy fit-ing. (More along these lines in the Transforming Workbook.) If your son melts down all the way, that is just to be expected since he is just starting to overcome his bad habits of deeply believing that work should be effortless. For example:
This happens every single day - especially about math. He will completely shut down if he gets a problem wrong. At times he is so upset I have to send him to his room to calm down. For the first time he has hit something that he didn't get instantly....the standard algorithm for multi-digit multiplication and I think this has been the catalyst for all this behavior getting worse. It's always been there but has been much worse the past few months. Once he calms down, he gets the answer so the material is not too far above him.
This is a perfect example of the messy, noisy process of reversing underachievement. He needs to do this for a while, and then things will improve. You are absolutely correct in how you judge the level. The only way I got through this was to repeat over and over: 'Would I rather he go through this now, or when he is off by himself in College like it happened for me?'
At one point, all the kids are talking at once and DS asks a question and I just tell him to use his best judgement and we'll correct at the end. Then the wailing, high-pitched scream, tears starts. Then he starts blabbering about how he hates to get things wrong and why can't I just tell him so that he doesn't get it wrong. I try to calmly explain to him that part of learning is getting things wrong. Everyone gets something wrong everyday.
So the way I see the world, there are two kinds of tantrums. Wailing, high-pitched scream and tears may be just the natural stress relievers of being in a very painful situation. Your son has learned for whatever reason that who he IS is the guy who learns everything easily, and it's going to take some tears before he gets things sorted out. Or, the screams and wailing can be a way that when he is feeling very very vulnerable, that he makes sure to get your attention, even if it's the calm explanation. He knows that you hate it underneath, he can feel your pulse rise. He doesn't need you to explain for the 57th time that 'everyone makes mistakes.' Your options here and to send him to his room earlier in the process, or just tell him to put his head down for a moment to gather his reserves, or walk out of the room for 1 minutes. You aren't 'punishing him' for tantruming, but you don't have to reinforce him either, see? Pretty much words or any emotions from you are going to add fuel to the fire. Expecting him to 'take a minute' shows that you have very high expectations indeed.
Would I try to communicate the message that everyone makes mistakes? Sure, anytime I saw him make a mistake and handle it well, I'd make a great big happy fuss over it. I'd do the same whenever I made a mistake and handle it well, too. Gifties usually believe that if we give the right bit of information at the critical moment that other will change their behavior - others including teachers, partners and offspring. This is very rare. People change their behavior when their heart tells them too, or when their environment changes in such a way that the wanted behavior brings rich and interesting rewards, but the unwanted behavior results in boring time away from the fun.
It's hard to believe that a big dramatic scene can be a positive reinforcer, after all, it is so unpleasant. And yet, how different, physiologically, is fear from excitement?
Hope that helps,
Grinity
