Dear Ultramarina: My DS8 is on the spectrum and some of what you describe about your daughter does sound familiar. When he was initially evaluated at age 2, they said no to ASD also for reasons similar to yours: he looked at them (briefly), responded (sort of), and interacted (if the activity was a favorite). In hindsight, it was a poorly run evaluation because they did not see a lot of what they should have. I know better now, having lived with ASD for 5 years. At that time I was happy he didn't have autism, but we didn't see any changes so had him re-evaluated and got the ASD diagnosis. We were able to start him right away in appropriate therapy and he THRIVED!
Now, at age 8, he is in a school for the gifted and fits in for the most part. He hand flaps when he is excited, and he verbally stims (sings or hums) when he is concentrating or nervous, and he has a crazy precocious manner of speaking. (the "little professor" you read about) He has friends that he loves (the 2 wild, silly class clowns) and the girls in his class "mother him" by keeping his desk clean, and packing up his back pack.
His problems with social skills are continual. Last year he completed a 9 month (UGH!) social skills class which helped him a lot. This year, the guidance counselor at school set up a "cool kids lunch bunch" to work with kids about keeping their cool, instead of getting hot and having meltdowns, or cold and withdrawing. That has really helped him describe and control his emotions.
As for getting frustrated at home, it happens. But our first therapist at age 3 taught us the importance of remaining completely unemotional, ESPECIALLY when DS gets worked up. We ignore, go silent, turn away, remove all facial expressions. Only when he can calmly and quietly talk to us do we respond. by smiling, talking, hugging.
Anyway, the point of my long answer is that autism is so hard to diagnose when they are at the high end of the spectrum, but the diagnosis helped me realize there is nothing wrong with my child. I had to learn a new way to interact, and I have to teach others how to interact appropriately. It helps alleviate frustration and negative thoughts about my child.
I, too, go back and forth about "is it gifted quirks or is it autism?" and I often can't tell. The autism diagnosis has helped us get accommodations in school that help DS cope better and help his teachers be a little more understanding.
So, I don't know if this is helpful regarding your daughter, but some things sound so similar to my ASD son, that I wanted to post this! Nan
