Thank you, Benjamin, for posting this. This is a problem that I've had myself - though I think I was oblivious to it for a long time. I have Asperger's which could definitely make this problem even worse in some ways.
I've been bullied in a professional environment and had others lie about me to HR to get me out - I'm guessing because I really rubbed them the wrong way. (I'm not excusing their actions, but I need to be honest about the catalysts.)
I've been seen as a condescending, pretentious know-it-all in most jobs that I've had (and I'm sure in high school too).
I believe I still have more work to do, but a few things have helped so far.
- I used to speak loudly and carry the proverbial, big stick. Now I speak much more softly. Honestly just being quieter in general, and speaking in calming tones when I do have something pointed to say seems to have helped. I do choose my words very carefully now when I need to tell someone that they're wrong. In this company, I do Software QA, so that's pretty often.
- Working in a place that hires other smart people. There are companies like that. I'm surrounded by smart people now which leads to less frustration on my part and better relationships in general. Plus, we do some amazing work. I'm not proposing that you find another job, but if you needed to, you may want to look for this during the interview process.
- Doing as much as I can over e-mail and IM. This gives me a lot more time to choose my words carefully and really read what I just wrote. The more I do this, the more I find that I can still be very condescending by over-explaining myself. I need to assume a baseline level of subject matter knowledge for everyone except for the newest employees. If I lose someone, I can always back up. But if I anger them or make them defensive, the consequences are much worse.
At home, I find that I still try to have everything the way I see it in my vision. This has to be insufferable to live with at times. It's a constant struggle and one that I hope I haven't passed on to my kids.
