I am a 31 year old professional. Moderately gifted. The majority of my battles throughout my life have only been with me. I am well travelled and have learned so much about different cultures and perspectives that I tend to value the differences instead of worrying that they are not like me.

I am confronting a new struggle. One based on perception. And one I have never dealt with until now. And I am having a lot of difficulty discussing it with others. And that is the perception that my intelligence is being perceived, quite often, as being pretentious. When I look at myself and try to evaluate and diagnose. I see myself as eager to learn, a very quick learner, willing to do multiple tasks, organized; I prioritize well and troubleshoot very well. In meeting or situations where I know I�m already well ahead of the curve, I am quiet and take notes. I work hard not to appear that I already know everything. I am cognizant of the fact that the majority of the people around do not already have the information, or (in the majority of cases) cannot retain the information that was taught previously.

Does it show that much on my face? When I do talk is my tone so pompous that I don�t notice it?

I can tell you that I feel pretentious when I try to address it. I feel like I am confronting someone and telling them right to their face, �I am smarter than you, now let�s find a way to deal with it.� Despite how much I tiptoe around it.

I am an introvert. I do make attempts to work out the perception that people have. But as soon as I get the signal that it isn�t going anywhere, fast, I go back to keeping my mouth shut and hoping that my performance alone will get me by. It often does, but I�m not a jerk, I don�t think you�re stupid for not knowing what I know, or being able to learn as fast, or having a good memory. I like people for who they are.

I am posting because I suspect many of you here deal with this issue on some level. And I would love to get some advice. Especially when dealing with managers and directors in the office. I kneejerk dumbing myself down to blend in, and the times I have actually tried to have more realistic conversations with those above me I have only had poor results. Often based on the perception, and rarely is what I am actually saying or describing taken into account. Cheers

Do you have any trusted friends, partners, realtives that you could ask for pointers from?

I do think that it's a common problem, but nothing jumps out from the page that might hint me towards a suggestion or solution.

Often friends and family members are similar gifted-wise. Have any of them had to tackle this problem? Do they have any successes to share?

How were things in school - did the kids back then think you were pretentious? Can you talk more about the first time this situation occured?

Lately I've been reading up on http://www.energizeyourheart.com/Welcome.html
and trying to experimentally see if there is anything to it. What I like about the model presented in Chapter 2 is that it acknowledges that folks can be extreamly strong in ways that can be hard to handle if the other part of their development aren't also well developed. Then it shows some relatively painless ways to develop the less developed parts. They expect that you'll see change start after about a month, which is fast in my book.

If you take a look at that system of thought, I'd be interested to hear if you feel it was helpful.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I will take a look at your link thank you. I wanted to answer your questions to open the discussion up some more.

As far as I've been able to tell I am the only gifted one in my immediate family. For the most part they "get" me. But it took them a long time. When I was a child my family interpreted my gifts as troublesome and uncontrollable. Now they think I just like to be by myself and that I have a very dry sense of humor. It's progress at least. I work at making more of an effort to spend time with them, and talking.

I have good friends. They each have different qualities I admire. And I have talked about it with them in various conversations. And while they can see how the perception manifests, they tend to advise that it is just because other people don't know me well enough.

In school I masked a lot of it with being social, and talking about common things. And while I may have been at some point perceived as pretentious when talking, it was never brought to my attention. I might not have cared how others perceived me, or I might not have come off that way.

What did change from high school until now. I felt that I did a lot of masking and disguising myself during that time, and as I grew and matured I wanted to be more myself. So as I have settled into me being me, and becoming more confident, and self assured, that is when the feedback started coming.

When I go back into my shell and "fake it" again, people think I'm wonderful and the greatest thing ever. Since I am really only judged on my performance and contributions and not my attitude or personality.

I guess the question I am asking myself; Is just being gifted enough to make others perceieve you as a knowitall when you talk. Or am I just doing a very poor job at representing myself.

Thanks again for the response. It helps a lot just to talk. I will check out that link now

I think that there are lots of different kinds of people in the world, and I get along best with other people who are really interested in finding stuff out. Curiosity is a quality that attracts me to other people, and I think it turns other people off me.

But don't despair, there are people out there to whom "you know, I was reading about that the other day" is a conversation stimulator, not killer. You just need to find them.

I think it's great that you are being 'less fake' and I think it's also great that you have the skills to fake it when it is worth your while - that is a great skill set to fall back on. I do believe that it isn't an 'either/or' choice, but more a stepladder to where you are headed, an authentic, warm persona.

I happend to be watching this TED talk this morning during my excersize routine: http://www.ted.com/talks/sebastian_seung.html
I was impressed with the cool 3D graphics, but even more so with the persona being projected by the guy talking. I found it very appealing. Does he seem fake to you? Pretentious? To be hiding his intelligence?

Who ever heard of useing TED presentations as Rorschach tests? This could be a first.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I don't really have any advice, just anecdote.

I suspect that in high school, most of the people I knew thought I was an arrogant know-it-all (because OMG was I ever), and that many of the people I interact with solely online think I'm an arrogant know-it-all (because I have a much sharper tongue online than in person) - but most of my clients don't, and the people I know really well online mostly don't.

If I try and figure out what the differences between those groups are, I come up with these things that are true of the group that doesn't think I'm a jerk:
- I respect them as people, regardless of whether I agree with their decisions.
- I'm not emotionally involved with their decisions.
- I feel that they're trying to do the right thing as they see it, regardless of whether I see that as the right thing, and regardless of their degree of success.

I don't think that actually being smarter is the problem, because I know plenty of much-smarter-than-me people who are the most down-to-earth approachable people you ever met, and plenty of averagely-smart people who are obnoxiously arrogant. For me, the issue to be worked out would not be "I'm smarter than you," but rather "I think I'm right, and you (either outright or by implication) are wrong." And that's not really something to work out with the other person (regardless of the degree to which they're wrong, or you end up like this guy: http://xkcd.com/386/), but something you work out with yourself.

It took me until I was 33 or 34 and 9 months of CBT (consisting mostly of the therapist telling me to stop talking about what someone else was doing wrong, and figure out what I was doing wrong) to be able to identify any of that, because for a smart person, I'm pretty stupid.

((tears of laughter)) Thanks for the story and the link AMom. Have a great weekend.
Grinity

Thank you for the anecdote. I definitely identify with the concept of believing I am always right. And respect being a very major factor in how I deal with other people. If I don't have respect for someone, or they've lost it, I have a very hard time accepting their perspective on any given topic. I really don't know how to make improvements in that area. Not saying that I am unwilling to try, but it is why I am reaching out.

I can also see how that from my point of view, not respecting someone, is to them, being pretentious. I get defensive because they have misperceived where my attitude is stemming from, and I insinctively resort to "they are not smart" because they are not perceptive enough to differentiate.

Do I go out of my way to explain it to them? I don't know how to make myself respect someone, when I feel so strongly that they have to earn it, or at least not lose it. I am a respectful person, and I give it up front, but I do sense that it can be lost quite quickly. Often with an offhand remark that seems to be lacking foresight.

Thanks again. It seems I need to work on identifying the things I can change about me some more. And it's hard, I'm rather fond of myself

He does not seem fake or pretentious to me at all. I am often told that once people get to know me they seem my more personable side, I can be charming and speak well in front of others. In this case Sebastian is already put in a position of power. The audience is already there to listen to him speak. And I suspect many already know who he is, or have heard of him by reputation before arriving. So the mindset going in is different as well.

I have only really experienced my difficulty in the professional world. And since that is where my career is, and likely to stay. It is where I would like to make improvements. I do well in social settings, even when I am the new guy. I do well in public. I can be chatty, flirty etc..

But I am having trouble finding my place in the office.

Benjamin,
One of the things we write about here - alot - is perfectionism. The way I look at it is that we have strong, clear vision about how things 'should' be and have a hard time accepting that no one (not even ourselves) lives up to that vision.

I tell my friends to try to learn to have amphibian eyes - to see the vision above the water and the reality below at the same time.

I promise that if I'm careful enough to never make offhand remarks that lack forsight, than I'll be hiding the vast majority of what makes me fun and amazing, yes? Also, if you've noticed that 'dumbing down for work' makes life go better, than how do you know that you aren't dealing with a person who is currently dumbing down for work? There is also the potential for missing amazingness in areas that you never knew existed. I bump into those all the time.

This all sounds nice, but I find that I can't really make it happen unless I have a core group of people that really 'get' me so I'm not always so dissapointed that averagely intelligenced people are 'newsflash' average in intelligence! Maybe respect needs to be earned, but love, appreciation and gratitude doesn't. You get to focus on whatever you choose, and I've never-ever met a person that I can't find something to be grateful for in, because that's my decision, and because it is really there.

Best Wishes,
Grinity

Thank you, Benjamin, for posting this. This is a problem that I've had myself - though I think I was oblivious to it for a long time. I have Asperger's which could definitely make this problem even worse in some ways.

I've been bullied in a professional environment and had others lie about me to HR to get me out - I'm guessing because I really rubbed them the wrong way. (I'm not excusing their actions, but I need to be honest about the catalysts.)

I've been seen as a condescending, pretentious know-it-all in most jobs that I've had (and I'm sure in high school too).

I believe I still have more work to do, but a few things have helped so far.

- I used to speak loudly and carry the proverbial, big stick. Now I speak much more softly. Honestly just being quieter in general, and speaking in calming tones when I do have something pointed to say seems to have helped. I do choose my words very carefully now when I need to tell someone that they're wrong. In this company, I do Software QA, so that's pretty often.

- Working in a place that hires other smart people. There are companies like that. I'm surrounded by smart people now which leads to less frustration on my part and better relationships in general. Plus, we do some amazing work. I'm not proposing that you find another job, but if you needed to, you may want to look for this during the interview process.

- Doing as much as I can over e-mail and IM. This gives me a lot more time to choose my words carefully and really read what I just wrote. The more I do this, the more I find that I can still be very condescending by over-explaining myself. I need to assume a baseline level of subject matter knowledge for everyone except for the newest employees. If I lose someone, I can always back up. But if I anger them or make them defensive, the consequences are much worse.

At home, I find that I still try to have everything the way I see it in my vision. This has to be insufferable to live with at times. It's a constant struggle and one that I hope I haven't passed on to my kids.

Yes! This is so true! Sadly--I am currently in a situation that makes finding them difficult. Interesting discussion!

My partner sitting next to me has been reading along, and she says (to me) "Hey, you used to be just like that guy!" Like I said, it took me until I was 34 and 9 months of CBT, so I don't know that any of us are going to be able to help you much there.

I think the useful self-examination question I took from counseling was "Assume that the other guy is right. What do you do now?" Maybe it'll be helpful to you.

Benjamin,

I am now 50 and yes, I have gone through this. To me, it depends on who I am working with. I have realized that with projects that are led by people really wanting a great project and open ideas, they rely on me and my opinion - and are open.

For those projects where the leaders are weak or easily intimidated, they will deny my ideas or go with someone who is their friend. They will always pick the easiest path.

By leaders, sometimes I just mean those who control the group - not always the ones in charge. People who like a quality project and no bullsh** usually work well on my team.

This is very frustrating and when I work for someone who is intimidating - instead of allowing me freedom to think - I feel that I am in a nightmare.

I have no real answers - just understanding.

That is almost exactly what I have chosen to do as well Adhoc. I put all my focus on my quality and production. I keep the majority of my communication to e-mails and IM's and I reread multiple times to try and spot area's of condescension. And I will reword as best as I can or throw a smiley in there to try and lighten up the tone.

I've heard that before. It's a tough pill to swallow. To get along I do sometimes pretend the other person is right and acquiesce. A lot of smiling and nodding, no problem sir!

When I put it like that and reread, it looks like a very common problem. Everyone has to answer to people they don't like at some point or another. We should all continue to strive to improve ourselves.

Thank you Ellipses. A great way to find answers is by talking about the problems. I really appreciate yours and everyone's responses on this topic. It helps just knowing that others are dealing or have dealt with the same issues.

I identify with the same things when dealing with groups. I am often quickly identified by leaders or instructors who are insecure, or intimidated by me asking questions or presenting alternatives. And I am almost always labelled as a troublemaker and ignored. I do quite well with those who encourage feedback, and like a more blunt and open brainstorm.

Thanks for this thread. I have had very similar experiences in the work place. Though my issues were more around divergent thinking and an over developed sense of justice. I've been home with my daughter for the past couple of years and have been so grateful for the opportunity to just be myself. It has allowed me to reflect a lot what I could do differently when I do return to work and what I might just have to put up with. It's also given me the opportunity to understand that I don't to be liked by everyone, which in turn has made me less anxious about how I present. That in itself seems to have made a huge difference to how I am perceived and I think I am warmer and more personable as a result.

Next year dd goes to school and I will go back to work. I have to admit that while I am craving the stimulation or work, I am somewhat anxious about whether or not this new found understand will translate to the work place. I am sure much of it will, but I am going to make sure that I choose the role and the organisation carefully and will aim to look for like minded people.

Good luck. That fact that you're thinking about it is great. I don't know if it is possible to 'fix' the situation because so much of it is dependent on other people's interpretations, concerns etc, which you can't control. But I think through a combination of taking your own action and finding some level of acceptance re the reality that other people aren't likely to change, you can reach a kind of peace with it. That's what I have found anyway (though may stand corrected when I head back to work!!)

You cannot control how others perceive you. They may gain an unfair impression of you and once you are diminished in their eyes, you may never overcome that deficit. Is it fair then to have that same rigidity in your own thought?

One important thing is not to frighten people or to belittle them. If you come across as too aggressive in your ideas or continue to belabor the point, then you can appear to be mean or uncaring.

If someone is intellectually cornered and they are then threatened further, then you will ruin any future rapport you may have with them.

Do you chat with everyone you meet at work for a minute or two? Do you make it a point to stay after meetings to listen to people? Do you ask a lot of questions and listen to the answers and look at the facial emotions during the response? Of others in the room when you talk or others talk? Do you ask others opinions and can you see the merit in their ideas?

I have dealt with this in every professional job I have had (all 3 of them) except the last one. It always came up on my reviews: I exceeded expectations in every area but I needed to work on not being so "condescending" to co-workers. It baffled me as I never felt that I was being condescending to anyone.

At my last job, I was surrounded by brilliant, self confident and productive professionals and in 5 years the issue never came up. My last year, our company was purchased by a huge bureaucratic international company and many new faces showed up in our building. Once again, the comment came up in my review but it was couched in a "I don't agree with this comment from my observations of you, and of all of the participants in your peer review, only one person said this, so take it with a grain of salt but...apparently you appear to be arrogant and condescending at times".

From this I take it that people who are less motivated, brilliant, self confident etc, etc, see me as a bit threatening and they feel inferior around me so they assume I am intentionally making them feel that way. (Wow, that does sound arrogant!)

My personality type is such that I find the majority of typical office "chit chat" almost insufferable - phony and pointless. After researching aspergers syndrome for my daughter I have found many traits that I identify with, and that is one of them. Unfortunately, some people think something is wrong with you or that you are snubbing them if you don't make an effort at this and that is one area I have learned to "mask".

I tend to be a very blunt, to the point, no nonsense person in the workplace so I resent having to tiptoe around "sensitive" people but I learned that it is necessary in order to get the best product from the team. We all participated in the "DISC profile" and posted our results on our office doors for a month. I learned which people need buttering up with a question about their weekend or a joke before being asked for assistance and which people (like me) would rather dispense with such time wasting banter and get straight to the point. It was very enlightening and did make a huge difference in how we all related to each other. The best part...that guy that stopped by my office every single morning and asked "working hard or hardly working?" ahahaha, finally stopped when he realized how annoying that was to me.

You wouldn't know how blunt and to the point I am from my lengthy posts would you? ;-)

Nik