I have strong feelings about this one, since I have a son with Asperger's. Our family's policy is that no matter how gifted and/or eccentric you are, you have to learn to function in polite society and be a considerate person to live with.
Most of us want our kids to be challenged academically-- why should we not challenge them also to do the social learning that will make their lives easier later on? If you work on difficult behaviors with calm consistency, many of them can become easier to manage or even just go away, including behaviors usually attributed to sensory issues or other "built-in" features. They are not as immutable as some people assume.
At least in our DS's case, we do not think those behaviors constitute his soul: we think they constitute a great challenge to him, presented by his own "wiring," and one that he must manage.
For us, this work has meant quite a bit of operation with reward systems, but being careful about how the rewards are set up to ensure that he's always working hard on very specifically chosen skills that are truly difficult for him. (Not working on every skill at once, but on a few key ones at a time.) He has made enormous strides on this kind of plan.
Do you have support at school to address the behaviors you're concerned about? If it's happening at school, the consequences (positive or negative) should ideally happen there rather than at home. If the teacher is willing to work with you on positive reinforcement delivered on the spot when he does something right, you may see better results. They may also have good advice about what skills to target.
HTH,
DeeDee
I agree, DeeDee, that his "challenge" is to learn to manage himself. I guess I lost perspective.
No one at school so far has understood OEs, and just look at him as "a bright troublemaker." They began a Response to Intervention program last spring, but have not administered it properly, so it was useless then; assuming they will include him in it again, I will try to be more diligent. In spring, they focused on three items: staying in his seat, talking, and staying on task.
May I ask for specific examples of skills you've addressed and how you've addressed them? It feels like we've "tried everything" - squishy ball, yoga (which he just doesn't "get" yet, and I haven't found a kids' yoga class that fits our schedule/his age), deep breathing (another one he just doesn't "get") - I think he has improved somewhat, but it leaves him feeling terrible about himself.
I think we're going to continue the rewards, but I'm going to explain - and try to keep hammering it home - that it isn't about changing who he is, but rather about appropriate timing, and then in a few weeks I'll try to check in with his teacher and see what she observes and what ideas she has.
All in all, I'm feeling very discouraged about this year, and we're only in the first week!
