I tried to find help on this subject before it became a problem. �Too late! �It became a problem a few weeks ago.
My mother said the same as the yahoo article. �Spanking are over quickly, take away everything and I can daydream, LoL. �I want to have a modern family where I use logic and reason and education as discipline. �I lived with the hippys in Woodstock for 7 years because I love peace. �I live in Texas where everybody agrees I'm crazy because I refused to spank a baby before he turns two (by then it's too late, they say).
I try to do like onthegomom says and try to avoid power struggles, while still expecting good behaviour. For the most part this works. �But he's not always going to be home with me- karate starts next year, pre-k the year after. �They won't make special exceptions for one kid needing too much class time because his mom's a hippy. �I'm afraid because of "gifted intensities", I'm seeing that they're called now. �They always just said about me, I would over-react. �
This behaviour that just started: �He doesn't want to do what he's told. �(like put on your seatbelt, go change your undies you peed in them, things he knows he has to do). To the point of crying and arguing. �I know developmentally three is the age of working out independance. �I bribed him with "potty candy" (1 m&m) and he handles his own bathroom schedule. �I let him use a knife to cut his dinner. �"teach the children, let them lead the way," etc...but when he needs boundries he's showing that he's my son. �Long ago if he threw a toy against the wall when he was sent to his room I would put it on top of the fridge, until he started throwing toys then bring them to me to take away as punishment. �I'm afraid of power struggles making him stronger, making him more than the teachers can handle. �I'm not going to let him just do what he wants either.�
Here's a quote from "how to talk so your kids will listen" book that sums up my fears:
" � � The use of punishment only helps the child to develop a greater power of resistance and defiance�and
The child may learn how to avoid successfully any guilt feelings for bad behavior by setting up a cycle in which the punishment cancels the �crime�. "
Greater resistance and defiance, whee. My mother was strict. �My sisters and I were exceptionally well behaved. �When I didn't comply it was always intense. �
There's also the gifted sense of right and justice. �My son has always been one to fix things he saw wrong around the house. �If he's done eating and I'm not in the kitchen he insists I put his dish in the sink immediately (he can't do that because he broke a dish). �It bothers him if things aren't right, and he's got good observation skills. �This is a discipline problem because the world ain't gonna conform to his standards. �And with his logic and reasoning then, why should he comply every time? �Except to avoid punishment, which I've said I'm afraid might lead to greater intensity and defiance. �I can tell he's a lot like me. �He's going to be a truly good person to the core. �When there's conflict I don't want it to look like he's over-reacting when he feels he's doing what needs to be done.
My husband thinks strict discipline. �Make them cry now or they'll make you cry later. �I don't know. �I saw problems resulting from this approach in my own childhood and given how we three turned out I quiestion the long-term effectiveness. �I've tried to explain to my husband, "I am different from anyone, my kids will be different than your kids friends." �He knows my life history. �It's an unusual story. �I can't seem to find any resources on effective discipline and gifted kids. �Surely that's just as important as an IEP, and just as challenging.

Youth lives by personality, age lives by calculation. -- Aristotle on a calendar